Untitled

I was asked why as a bi person I don't celebrate pride. My answer explains a lot and that is because every 13 or so minutes a man ends his story..puts the final page in his book and places it on the shelf. I nearly did that years ago. I chose to continue writing and even though I sometimes fall in that space of wanting to end it all and depression. I don't, I continue to live continue to write pages of who I am and was. For all my men friends out there struggling..talk, it's ok..you are worth it and this month is also for you.

Sometimes I wake up like I did today and just..wish I could stay in the dream. Where I wasn't so fucking damaged beyond repair. Being 30 sucks..my career has done damage emotionally, mentally, physically and socially...but you know I'm kinda too deep now to turn away..so fuck it we ball i guess? Someday I won't have to cry when I wake up thinking of better times

I hate everything about myself more and more. And I don't have anyone to tell. Guess it's what I deserve.

I just want a person like Penelope from epic the musical. Is that so hard to ask?

So. Today, no this week has for one reason or another led to thoughts..thoughts I thought gone. Thoughts I prayed I'd leave behind. Idk if there is pain on the other end, idk if it's reaching out and not getting a answer or worse..a answer me nor them want. But I'm taking advice from my councillor and friend. Im bettering myself before my 30th. I survived things that should have put me down, things others thought would end me. Im not letting this end me. If it leads to something, if it leads to renewal, closure, resolution ok. If it doesn't, ok. Today I start bettering myself and see what occurs and every day I plan to post..plan to remind myself why I care to do so. Anyone that follows. Go ahead, any that want to break me down..see me disappear go ahead. Im tougher than you know..I thrive on beating expectations...I encourage whatever you want to say, whatever you want to do. Just don't be angry when I succeed. Carpe diem

At this time I'm beginning to think that if I just...disappeared no one would even bother looking. Or care I disappeared..and that is a terrifying thought. I want to be remembered..to be wanted. I'm not perfect but is anyone..am I just so unlikable that I can't be bothered to even ask to do things?

You know..I don't get on here often..and when I do it hurts..pain isn't fun nor is remembering. I wonder at times if we perfected wiping memories away..I want to forget..to move on but I can't..I can't get with people I can't talk to anyone..I don't make connections..and why..because I was hurt and frankly being as tough as I am and able to tolerate pain I'm surprised I shy away from this..I don't trust because one I trusted made me feel inadequate and hated..I don't love because when I did love truly in my wierd way..it wasn't enough...idk maybe just maybe it means I'm impossible. That I am lost..sorry for anyone who found this..I don't know where else to place it..and the only reason this came up is I finally got rid of something I held onto to remind me..just like they got rid of me.