My first date with that guy from Hinge was yesterday. He was really nice! We went to the park to see the sunflowers…except all of the sunflowers were dead already 😂 I declined going to lunch after our walk because of all the other things I had going on that day. I didn’t get a romantic vibe from him but he was really sweet. I probably won’t go out with him a second time.

It was a crazy week at the expo- it truly was the best of times and the worst of times. I think part of what makes working at my company so special really is the community of it. No other place of work I’ve been at has such a close, tight knit community. It’s messy at times but man we support each other.

I even had a total freak out moment on one of the directors of IT- like confrontation with directness and tears because I was upset. I told him how it feels like anytime I talk to him about any issues he just is very dismissive and doesn’t give me an answer and sometimes just completely ignores me. I told him how I’m upset because I care a lot and how I don’t appreciate not being able to come to him with things when he is supposed to be a partner with my team. He was taken aback and I could tell when he apologized that he was being genuine . Thankfully only a couple bystanders - a girl on his team I work closely with for troubleshooting , and a second IT guy . The director of IT that I blew up on talked to my boss before I could but I told my boss shortly after. My boss was like “you’re good, don’t worry about it” then I got upset with my boss for not listening to my side of the story (I was exhausted hence all the emotional outbursts lmao) and my boss was like I know exactly what happened (because he knows me) and he laid out the exact scenario and I was like damn ok so you do know haha. Then I ran into the other IT girl who saw it go down and apologized to her and she said the director of IT came up to her too and asked if he really comes across that way and she said he does. Then, for the rest of the expo- whenever I saw the director he was clearly listening with more attention and in a weird way it just seemed like he respected me more or something. Wish I could’ve gone about it in a more graceful way but glad it worked out for the best and glad he’s the type of leader who is Abel to take critical feedback and use it to improve,

A couple other highlights- I got to log some time in the left seat on the way up and back from the expo! I’ve been learning so many plane things that I think once I formally start my training I’ll be in a really good place.

I loved hanging out with my team and friends from other teams . And I also had a good-weird experience on my last night after the airshow when I was getting in the minivan to go back to the hotel and a girl in the back was telling me to sit in the back with her and this guy Zach because I was the smallest and I saw Zach and I was like “no, I can’t sit back there Zach hates me because he wasn’t able to log into my program for two months and I couldn’t help and he hates me”. Zach starts laughing and is like “come sit by me, I don’t hate you!”. I sheepishly smile and crawl into the back adding, “I’m sorry if I got a little sassy with you” and he told me how he just sent IT a sassy message about it and how he wasn’t mad at me. At some point while we’re waiting for the rest of the people, he puts his arm around me. I forget the exact context because tired but I think he was going for a hug or something to prove the point he doesn’t hate me. I nuzzled into his chest into a cuddle and we stayed like that for a long while. After we started moving, I pulled out of the cuddle and after a second he was like “where did you go” so I snuggled back into him and stayed there the rest of the car ride (like over thirty minutes). It was sooo nice and I really enjoyed it. At one point my boss turned around and saw me and just chuckled and shook his head (he was aware of the Vegas Boy situation and actually provided some really helpful advice from a boy brain perspective). Granted I have never really talked to Zach and don’t know him at all but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious where this will go when we get back home in the office next week.

I also have a Hinge date on Sunday. I’m exhausted and my social battery is in the red so I’m hoping after another day of rest I’ll perk up more . I don’t really want to go on a first date with a stranger I’ve never met before but I’m trying to remind myself that they are wanting a connection too and they’ll be nice .

I think dating really is something that needs practiced so I’m trying to put myself out there.

We’ve stayed in loose contact over Facebook (and Instagram when I had it) over the years. He has had a similar path to me- falling in love with the outdoors- he thruhiked the AT and the PCT. He’s also rafted down the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon. He bikepacks.

So when I saw him on Hinge I didn’t know what to do. Match with him? And what do I say?? Or message on FB?? But again, what to say? I closed the app out of anxiety. When I opened it back up later that day, to my surprise and delight, he had messaged me. He shared a bikepacking route he created and asked if I had any interest in joining in an adventure to scout it. In my response, I gave him my number. We’ve been texting a little but im also trying to not overly communicate on text. I want to get to know him in person.

There’s that element of familiarity , but also the excitement of not really knowing this person. And the excitement that we share a lot of the same passions, and things that make it seem like we have a lot of things in common. I’m truly excited to see him again. We’re doing the route as an overnighter the first weekend in August! I haven’t been bikepacking at all yet this year so I am mega excited !!

I normally would NEVER agree to an overnighter with someone I’ve never ridden with- and definitely wouldn’t typically agree to one with a practical stranger . But for some reason, this just feels so easy and right and welcome . I don’t know how else to describe it.

I feel like I am living so much life, but still find myself wanting to position myself to receive more magic.

Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing, as I’m just going full speed without a plan, in whatever direction I feel a hunch towards.

The moments of clarity and ease and calm I felt in Costa Rica already feel like a distant memory . The human condition is so interesting , how we can recognize that we have the agency to do and be anything we choose and yet we stay in these little worlds we’ve crafted out of comfort. Can I live a life of ease instead a life of achievement ? What is my soul actually yearning for? Will I ever be able to sit in front of the answers?

I miss walking outside and hearing the ocean. I miss the ocean so much. The energy of her, the reassurance of the waves and the ever cleansing energy of her being.

I miss the fresh tropical fruits and the fresh veggies that were abundant. I bought a coconut from the store today , and excitedly drilled a hole and poked in a straw , only to take a sip and be terribly disappointed. That’s not what fresh coconut water is supposed to taste like. The mangoes from the store fit in the palm of my hand, rather than the football sized ones from the peninsula. I’m trying to lean into my local fruit- like peaches and apples, but it’s not the same.

I miss the friendly locals. People who seemed just as eager and authentic about connection. Interactions here at home are not the same. However, that could be attributed to tiny beach town vs. mid sized city differences.

I miss the community of ladies I was with. From shared bunk rooms to shared meals. It was nice to have company and witnesses of my journey.

Of course I miss the boy, but that was to be expected so I try to not let my mind linger on that.

Surprisingly, I don’t mind being back at work. The work I do is engaging and fun and I feel like I make an impact and add value. All good things.

I’ve kept a pretty great diet since being back of mostly gluten and dairy free since that’s all I ate at the resort. Also more veggies and fruits and less processed / packaged foods. Part of it is because I ate so healthy while there and part of it is because I’m trying to be mindful of my plastic waste and garbage. Seeing pristine beaches littered with garbage very low tide really bothered me. I ran out of shampoo so I ordered a shampoo bar. And in the grocery store , avoiding prepackaged foods in favor of fresh fruits and veggies is a great way to reduce waste.

I’m living a lot of life these days that’s it’s hard for me to even process one thing before it’s onto the next! I got back from Costa Rica with one day for laundry and errands and then I was off to Nash! My team drove a mini van with a bunch of people, but I’m a princess and caught a ride in a plane with one of our sales directors 🤭

I got to experience the Broadway honky tonk for the first time and I’m glad I got to check that off my list so I never have to do it again 😂. Even though it was honestly pretty fun. I went with my boss and a couple of my favorite teammates and I can’t get over how much I love my relationship with my boss. He was asking me about Costa Rica in the office before we left and I started crying trying to describe the experience. He teared up too because he just understands the deep philosophical spiritual nature experience stuff so that was a sweet moment to share. 🥲 and yeah, who else gets to get drunk with their boss on Broadway? 🤣 We went to karaoke which was super fun . And since it was Monday night all the bars were dead but our little crew had a vibe we brought with us as we bar hopped. It was silly and fun and I danced a lot!

Today we had a super successful seminar and it was probably my favorite one thus far ! Just a really good group of people and I was excited to finally get to meet some of our partners that I’ve been working closely with these past few months .

It’s 1am and I have finally arrived home from Costa Rica. Such a hard-to-describe feeling: coming back to a place that’s the same when your being has changed.

It’s phenomenal to think how much a week can change us. How much a place can change us. How much a person can change us.

His touch was reverent, in that slow and unhurried way. His tongue explored my lips and mouth gently . The Pacific Ocean crashed in the background, the sound of her waves the pulse to the energy that flowed between us.

My heart was cracking open like the coconut the cowboy opened on the beach earlier in the day. It felt like two halves laid out in front of me, presenting a choice of either being fearful ad letting the tears spill or surrendering to the experience by relaxing and welcoming the powerful emotions that kept pouring through me the same way the waves kept coming to shore.

He struggled with the English for it, saying “I can feel you… melt? Melting?” . I exclaimed yes, that is the correct word and that is exactly what is happening .

I was grateful this moment was happening in a place where time already slows down. As the night grew on, the stars revealed themselves overhead and the tiny hermit crabs began scuttling about.

I leaned into him, resting my head on his shoulder and his head leaned to rest onto mine.

He showered me with kisses that were generous and not greedy. Kisses for the sake of kissing. He asked how I felt, if this was okay. Later he said as he kissed my hands and up my arms “I hope this is okay. I like to kiss.” I giggled back “i like to be kissed”.

He listened attentively and with curiosity and we found that we have a lot in common as it comes to world views and perspectives and hobbies and personalities .

I rested my forehead on his, running my fingers through his hair, in awe at the softness from the salt water. I kissed him back with the same slowness and reverence and at one of his soft sighs I ask a soft why and he says “I’m melting”.

What is love but absolute presence ? Experiencing another soul - not for their body - but for their spirit. Can we learn to be okay with the fleeting nature of it all?

Slowly intertwining our fingers, grazing our hands back and forth up and down. I lean towards him slowly for a kiss. We breathe deeply into each other and again he whispers some Spanish words. I pull back slightly, titling my head in “qué?” and he just smiled, shaking his head slightly and said, “good things”.

When joy comes, when beauty visits, when love arrives- can we greet it with a huge embrace and say “thank you for visiting again” , rather than worrying about how long it’ll stay?