SHN

I know this is supposed to be a Father’s Day video, but I think what stirred my soul was the portrayal of the generations that came before us.

It’s so easy for us to forget our grandparents, let alone ancestors. We tend to get so caught up in our own bubble of life, making a living, finding a crevice we could contribute into, that we forget how we even got here in the first place. I’m so saddened that I have friends who speak of their Chinese heritage, all its colourful languages, cultures and traditions, as though it is inferior - and then we chase for the more Western, first-world-things, so swayed by the movies and songs made available to us simply because our parents and grandparents and great-grandparents have sacrificed their time, their lives, their enjoyment in hopes that we could learn English and have a better future - so that we could be competitive in an English-driven world. 

But I’m reminded as I step into new seasons in my life that my loved ones who came before me didn’t put in all that hard work for our comfort - what with our own rooms and own laptops, they didn’t sacrifice so many years of their lives for our education - what with our degrees and our values, they didn’t do all that for us to SHUN our very own culture, for us to think we did it all by ourselves. That WE got here because of OUR hard work and independence, and OUR hard work and independence ONLY. Our parents didn’t spend their time and effort to think of ways to parent a child only for us to waive it off as “being born with a driven personality” or “being naturally disciplined/smart”. They didn’t teach us English for us to shun speaking in our respective dialects.

There is such an unfair stigma that I realised our generation has - especially now that I’ve tasted my roots. Mandarin is a beautiful language, and the Chinese people are so rich in culture, so meek in its values. There is nothing inferior about it - in fact, there is so much more to it than I had ever cared to notice because I was all up in my high-horse, too ignorant to consider that the Chinese culture isn’t unequal to the Western culture - it’s only that they’re different.

I’m personally incredibly proud that there are more and more Asian representation in Hollywood - and most done tastefully too. I am so proud to be the person that I am, and I acknowledge the people who have come before me. Thanks to their life, love and sacrifice, I have a comfortable home to live in, I have a car I could drive, I have the sense to say thank you to waiters and I have the opportunities that I do now.

she works till her knees are bruised and she whistles anyway

halfway through the picture starts to form and everyone can see it

they see a forming and because they do she starts to see it too she can see it coming

so she turns to her side expects him to beam with pride he had always said - you can do it

but when he saw her work, he noted as he pulled her to stand up that all around her people were watching her work because there was a way her butt would perk up - all the boys flock at ‘cha

but man oh man - wait till you see her unlock her mind.

she breathes words to life, and her fingers work steadily to make the most intricate pieces that I had always wondered how could it be that a woman so young could carry so much history.

she watches sunsets with him by her side, the colours she is no stranger to for she has watched things end - she watches sunrise with him by her side, the colours unnew for she has watched many beginnings unfold itself over her,

again and again, again and again again and again - but never “again”

I imagine her heart is full because she is kind I imagine her life is full because of her mind; I imagine snowflakes that fall from the sky land where her wounds had formed from another time, another place where there was only sun.

Happier With Her is my second English single to be released. Honestly, this post is coming a little way too late. It was released on the 17th of January.

But let’s break it down nonetheless.

Inspiration

I wrote this song way back when I was still in university for a class assignment. I remember the chorus or the hook coming to me first. It was so vivid, the way it came. I was driving back home from school and I was thinking about jealousy. I had met this girl whom I thought was the absolute bomb and I had imagined she would be a much better match than I could ever be for this guy I was seeing at the time. It was honestly just an innocent thought. But the song turned into a passionate accusation of something that could not have possibly happened because they both had never had any sort of contact with one another in their entire lives - and I knew it. “If you didn't have me, baby You’d be happier with her, happier with her” 

So this came in the car, on the way home. But I was so obsessed with fledging out this particular song that I finished it at home on the day itself. So when I got home, I had already written the verse and pre-chorus in my head. I pulled my keyboard out, hooked it up to Logic Pro and immediately got to working on the chords of this song. I remember being super intentional about every chord. I had never spent that much time pairing the right chords with the right lyrics to form the intended expression and emotion of a song at that time. I grew a lot from penning this song down.

Favourite Lyrics

I contemplate about what matters most, head to toe Negotiate height and weight, her body, mind and soul

^ still my all time favourite lyric (that I wrote) to date

Fun Facts

A lot of the elements you hear in this song was done from way back when I was still in university. The assignment required us to use arrange horns into the song - hence you hear horns in the song. But honestly, it made so much sense with the song and I was really proud that I made it work with the guidelines of the project without it sounding trashy and out of place.

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/6RWpHkkv5HA8EmD3XfXFXk?si=kohpHkdaSkugmsaKbkqREA

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amISdrqbLWk

I was at a neighbour’s open house just tonight. There were fireworks. It was loud.

I didn’t have a lot of neighbourhood friends that were my age so I spent quite a lot of time pondering into the bright lights and managed to think about my career. Or rather, the people in the line of my career.

Being an artist, or an influential person, comes with different kinds of identities. The fate of these individuals in the limelight are much like the fireworks I spend an hour and a half staring into.

They all burn bright, all right. Some shoot sky high, some flicker on the ground. Some last only a moment, some get you wondering when it will burn out. Some come in clusters and formations, some beautiful in its singularity.

So it got me thinking about my own fate as an artist. Which kind of firework will I be? Will I shoot sky high but only for a moment? Will I always be on the ground for people to look down on forever till I burn out? Will I go out with a miserable crackle or leave them astounded with a ‘pop!’? It got me hoping for the best.

But one thing I realised with all of them, was that they all burned bright - regardless of their stature or their longevity. And they all left a trail of smoke behind. They always leave a trail of smoke behind.

We’ll always leave a trail of smoke behind.

Every physical word is like hundreds of sparks on a page, and it starts a forest fire in my heart. 

Isn’t it amazing how words can captivate you? Isn’t it surreal how thoughts can be captured and portrayed with just a few strokes of a pen?

I live in a culture that may not yet have grasped the beauty of art because basic necessities have yet to be met. When you’re underpaid and healthcare is expensive, you strive to achieve stability by minimizing the gap between the two. You work hard for money, not necessarily passion. And you work these high-paying jobs because they’re in demand. And as the law of economics will have it, eventually the oversupply of doctors will balance it all out.

Then your children watch your pattern. And if they know no other way, the cycle will repeat itself.

But I know the cycle is breaking. It is an exciting time.

There will be fires everywhere.

I’m about 2 weeks overdue but I thought I’d just note things down nonetheless.

2018 has been a rather difficult year in terms of management of expectations and human connections. Music is something I have to invest my heart in. It’s not something I can just throw random things into - and so it’s reasonable that I’m somewhat attached to it. I want to see it touch other people, I want to see it flourish and grow and reach. With that though, I felt like I had put that above everything else. I had prioritised and as a matter of fact, idolised work. It got to the point where I wasn’t sleeping well, my period came late, I didn’t care about other people’s feelings.

That’s what I remember most poignantly about 2018. No doubt, there were good things that happened last year - when I look back, my loss of control had overtaken my mind and clouded most of my year (not to mention my better judgement).

2019 though. I’m taking small steps to improve it overall. To prioritise the right things, to work smart, plan properly, communicate better and take the necessary action steps to get something done efficiently, keeping the entire team in mind.

But honestly, some things don’t really change. I still deal with thinking I’m not good enough. Or that my music isn’t good enough. I worry that my heart isn’t translated into my music - or that I become just a machine that churns pop music out into the world for the purpose of being heard rather than having something to say.

I’m still a little lost as to what to do. That’s the honest truth - but I pray that it becomes clearer and clearer - that I’ll be able to see some fruits of all the hard work we’ve put it for what seems like the longest time.

And I thought that was that.