I will improve, so help me Satan

u know what makes me so fucked as an "elder trans" I.e. (someone who has been out as transgender and my spiritual gender for over a decade to everybody in and out of my life). people who knew me when I was a quote unquote baby trans. none of those cis identified at the time fuckers stood up for me or watched out for me or protected or helped or educated me. y'all left me for the dogs. and a decade later I have the same fucks knocking at my door saying "you are the first openly trans person I knew, befriended, loved, and fucked. you made me realize myself after I abused you and you left me years ago. thank you" it is the most hollow thanks I will ever receive from those that have become my community. those that shamed me and hid me and misgendered me to their own comfort for years upon decades then decide to thank me for helping them realize themselves. motherfucker I been thru DV, I been HOMELESS, I been broke, had my parents cut me off, had no one to rely on but a drug dealing chaser to keep me alive at points. but now. y'all are grateful for the reality I begged y'all to face for 5 onto 10+ years. your trans elders are angry because even our OWN CHILDREN who may happen to be older than us in years on this earth, forsake us before they even considered accepting themselves. I'm not angry at y'all for hiding what would have gotten y'all abused, I am furious at becoming the scapegoat you felt I needed to be for you. you will never be a strong transsexual so long as you rely on your elders to face your burden for you. that is all

sometimes i do wonder what it would be like to have a relationship with a normal father who treated me normally and didnt die of cocaine overdose when I was 19

not doing coke is like i didnt blink fast enough I didnt think fast enough

I dont even recognize my face or body at all in the mirror. getting sober made me realize i became addicted to drugs a year after I came out to everyone as transgender. life had become unbearable to the point the only option was to leave my own life, whether physically or mentally. ive been addicted to drugs since before i started hormones. and since starting ive barely been sober since. a decade later, 8 years of hrt later, and I come back to myself with no familiarity. I have become a stranger to myself since transitioning, not because of transition itself, but what I did to survive it. i sold my body out to be the transgender fantasy men wanted from me and woman found comfort in exploiting in me. i betrayed my own skin and blood just for a chance to live another day just to plead on my hands and knees and be the communal glory hole that wider society demanded from me just for the chance to wake up in a cage full of state ordered drugs, in a trance, dancing and singing my innocence to adult doctors while they watch me with only lust and contempt in their eyes. ive been stripped unwillingly and flaunted to my entire community as a humiliation ritual for entertainment. i have become nothing but a servant to execute the fetishization of my own body and livelihood. i have been stripped of everything, including my body and brain, and then forced to beg just to live in containment and be grateful for every morsel of sexual abuse I get because its the only "love" my transgender body could ever be deserving of recieving. men who want my body but are disgusted with my soul will hit me and expect a kiss in return. transgender people truely are cis society's jesters and meat. they consume us until theyre sick from how full someone who actually possesses a soul can make you. then excrete your botched mess of what used to be your personhood and demand you clean it up and mend what they destroyed.

im dedicating my life to ME

no one can convince me psyche wards are anything but containment and correctional facilities for those that suffer mentally

no one can convince me psyche wards are anything but containment and correctional facilities for those that suffer mentally

wish they made an antipsychotic where u could still feel

men are ridiculous and useless. not surprised just exhausted

I wish jon was real...

does anyone actually even want or need me alive bc it doesn't feel like it at all

wondering if my boyfriend will ever choose me over drugs but I already know the answer

wondering if my boyfriend will ever choose me over drugs but I already know the answer

I will cease this severe and life threatening polysubstance abuse even though it feels like being locked in solitary with my mind sometimes. im tired of these medical issues that make me feel like im dying constantly. im so lucky that every time since I was 17, when I feel like im overdosing and its leaning towards potentially fatal symptoms from interactions alone, i wait for it to get bad enough I genuinely feel the feeling of beginning to die again. even recently the memories started fading in while I was laying on the floor almost unable to breathe with excruciating rib pain after mixing hella drugs. i opened my eyes and yelled at myself to stay awake and I did that for as long as it took to feel like I wouldn't die if I fell asleep. sometimes I realize how numb ive become that I never even thought to tell anyone that or reach out for help. im just so damn used to it. i dont even realize how scary it is. hm

I will cease this severe and life threatening polysubstance abuse even though it feels like being locked in solitary with my mind sometimes. im tired of these medical issues that make me feel like im dying constantly. im so lucky that every time since I was 17, when I feel like im overdosing and its leaning towards potentially fatal symptoms from interactions alone, i wait for it to get bad enough I genuinely feel the feeling of beginning to die again. even recently the memories started fading in while I was laying on the floor almost unable to breathe with excruciating rib pain after mixing hella drugs. i opened my eyes and yelled at myself to stay awake and I did that for as long as it took to feel like I wouldn't die if I fell asleep. sometimes I realize how numb ive become that I never even thought to tell anyone that or reach out for help. im just so damn used to it. i dont even realize how scary it is. hm