♡loveaddict♡

Through out trauma , pain and stresses

Anxiety, depression, mental dysfunctions

I find it hard

My mind hardened, calcified

Doesn't flow and easily and as lucid as it used to

Begging for some kind of inspiration

To come from what resembles a rock or stone

Than a brain

The pain through these years petrified within the folds

There's no way to undo this .....

Thoughts rattle

memories rumble

Course friction of stone against stone

An erosion of my consciousness within my experience of existence

How did I get here ?

The pure exhaustion

Despite the copious amounts of caffeine and nicotine

To pull my ADHD into submission

And get me from a to b

In a split second

The Bruised sky the sunset

Painted to my right

The lunar rainbow cutting through the clouds a hallow around the moon on my left

A small

Almost insignificant

Moment of peace

Amungst the chaos

The sound dulls

Vibration come to a stand still

Peace

You deserve a lot better

And a lot more than me

That I wish I could

Spend every waking moment

Using my hands

My feet

My heart, mind and soul

Everything within me

To show you the truth plain and simple

That within your

Kindness, beauty, and Grace

That you are pure perfection manifested upon the Earth

That within every molecule, cell, and Atom

That makes up your broken smile

To Grace your beautiful visage

Lips the entire game upon its head

That even in your imperfections there is perfection

That I wish I could take your hand

And travel the vast expansions of the universe

Take you anywhere that your heart would desire to go

Because even if we were in the deepest pandemonium of hell

Just being there with you

Could instantly convert it to the paradise of heaven

That I can put in the effort

To strive, slave, and work

To give you everything in existence conceived within creation

Placed lovingly

Into your gentle hands

That I would take every

Worry, woe and pain you carry

And use the spirit within me to convert it

To nothing but bliss, ease and comfort

Because

you deserve a lot better

A lot more than me

It's always been one that hit way too hard

To many similarities

Being a outcast growing up

The madness induced violence

Against the ones you love

I mean heartbreak is to be expected

There's a reason it's called a Greek tragedy

But that's never really what the story was about was it

At least not the parts we know and love from that story

It's like I said the lesson learned

It's not our sins that define us as a villain

But

The hard work on the road of redemption

That make us the hero we were destined to become

I've walked this road for years

An aching , body

A exhausted soul

And a fractured mind behind teary eyes

My scars are a road map you could trace with a touch

Just to see how far I've come

A atlis of my pain and agony

Of the broken struggle and the work that went into it

In

Simply

A balance of

Trying to survive

Or

Biding time till death

Rarely or never

To live

It's hard not to pick up

Ideas of your worth and value

From the actions and opinions of other

But for as much self loathing or depreciation my brain could shell out I try

And I still continue to walk down that road

Through pain, sorrow and exhaustion

I walk

Thoughts crash into me

Memories burn

But

I walk

Dreams fade and dissipate like smoke into the night air while hope dies and blink out of existence like stars

And

Step by step

I continue to walk

Why ?

It is just as much my fault

As

It was that of those that hurt me the worst

Through my own actions

And theirs

We used our hands to shape out

My life , destiny, fate and existence

And

What it would become

I'm tired

And

As far as redemption is concerned

Maybe one day I'll find my way up that mountain

Stand on the top of the summit with outstretched hands

Reach up and grab mine

Hold it close to my chest never let go

Not till it's utterly

Changed

Into

The Self love

I lost so long ago

I may continue to walk

I may continue to fight

I may continue to try

Maybe I'll get it one day

But not

Today

One side of the scales holds faith

The other fear

Complete, level

I stare utterly eclipsed within its shadow waiting on one side or the other to drop

A plan , fate , destiny

What's written in my pages

My mind as deep as the oceans depths or as vast as the skies above

Something that shakes you to your core to walk such great distances alone

To call out thoughts and have memories echo back in return

So much time

So much effort

Will I win this war

Or

Just become another casualty of it

They don't get it

Came the removal of The feathered serpent limbs

Genesis 3:14

14 So the Lord God said to the serpent, “Because you have done this,

“Cursed are you above all livestock

and all wild animals!

You will crawl on your belly

and you will eat dust

all the days of your life.

And understanding man celebrates this line because at least in the end of all there is justice

But a foolish Adam ask yourself two question

From what are you made?

And from what shall you return?

From the stresses, strife, and struggles

It is man that the devil cuts his teeth on

And it is only through the salvation of Christ

And the love we have for God and one another

That will save us from the infinite void of his throat

I found a girl who genuinely loves and cares for me

She wants me ok and comfortable

Even at some of the worst times when I definitely don't deserve it

The point she trys

And that's definitely not something I'm used to

Its amazing to think

She took shattered broken peaces

And gently put them back together

Cherished and held each one

The times

The adventures

The inside jokes

These are things that I'm scared of terrified

These have always been the things

That hurt the worst

In the event things would go bad

But truthfully

They are the small things that other people would consider insignificant but

They mean everything to me

They are the entire world to me

I would not give them up or trade them for anything

I would hold them to my chest White knuckled

To make sure they stay as close to my heart as possible

Jess

Thank you

For everything

Need to find a better way

Or find a way to suffer in silence

Through clenched fist and teeth I say nothing

Just to keep peace

Keep from causing more drama and dissidence

All while being drugged down the road for every move I make

Just think to myself

- ( " yeah that's fair" )-

But when has it ever been

A mess of my own means and making

Just to have my face rubbed in it

For trying

I don't know

One day perhaps all of this will get better

In one way or another

Need to find a better way

Or find a way to suffer in silence

Through clenched fist and teeth I say nothing

Just to keep peace

Keep from causing more drama and dissidence

All while being drugged down the road for every move I make

Just think to myself

- ( " yeah that's fair" )-

But when has it ever been

A mess of my own means and making

Just to have my face rubbed in it

For trying

I don't know

One day perhaps all of this will get better

In one way or another

Somewhere out with Jessi

Somewhere at the waters edge

Somewhere within the tranquil silence of nature

Through which I can hear God calling to me

A still silent whisper

Something that is hard to find or notice

But if heard or acquired

Gentle enough to ease the soul

Yep powerful enough to drown out the noise of the drama of this world

Depression and the past makes me not want to survive

Yet

Anxiety and the future makes me terrified that I won't

Complete contempt

For this complex paradox I find myself in

A tug of war

Between my heart ,mind and soul

A disadvantageous abhorrent

Selfless, selfishness

That I've no control over

The point of all of it is always been LOVE

Loving God

Loving Jesus

Loving your fellow man be it

Family, friend, neighbor, acquaintance, strangers and even your enemies

That's the easiest parts

But that also includes yourself

And that's the hardest part

And if you can't figure that out

It's all for not

I need peace

I need relaxation

And rest

Aliviaton from all this

I just have to make it to Valero

I walked on the shores of the liquor sea

Felt the tossing in the turning of the waves

I have napped

Within the field of poppies

Wandered within a haze of the marijuana jungle

Followed lines upon lines of ice and snow

Trek through the crystal caverns of my veins

Felt the sting of the serpents fangs

From the tree of knowledge

Set on a blanket made for four

Gulped down a cup of tea for inept teens

Traveled endless miles and endless spans across jurisdictions and borders

Berly scrapped through the muddy waters of kratom

Only to be back

The seeds of akumma

Tho grow yet another tree of knowledge

Yet the devil lies

Tells you it'll be the tree of Life

It won't

For every road he guides you to Paradise into Eden

Lead ultimately only to hell

A slew of symptoms

Withstanding withdrawals

A thorn in my side

Stare towards the sky

To catch a glimpse of the Father the son and the holy Ghost

There's no one that fully understands it

They are yet are not

Schrodinger's Trinity I guess

But still I scrounge and scrape by

Like some kind of ravenous stray animal

Through the night on back streets and back alleys

What am I running from ?

Will I ever really get there ?

Will there ever be peace ?

Only the Lord God Almighty knows

I just have to make it to Valero

I get anxious

I get angry wrathful and violently mad

Lashing out like a stir crazed animal

Slamming into the bars of my cage to gnaw at the bars

Until I bring it before the throne of the Almighty

On my knees staring at the alabaster floor tiles

While

The vibrant colors of the stain glass

Vail parts of my broken visage

I

explaining

" I can't stand

These feelings

I try and try and try

But they just don't get it

They act out of sin,malice and hate

Where is the love of the kingdom ?

Where is the light ?

Where is the hope ? "

My eyes well up with tears

They stream down my face

The drops landing to kiss the floor

I realize

The anger, the wrath and rage

The masquerading mask of my emotions slip and I see the truth

Behind it all is

Sadness, heart break and fear

And beneath it all is love

Love for even the worst of them

Only through God's grace, mercy and love

Will we be ok

As deviating and impossible as it seems

We're in the best of hands

And his perfect plain and will permitting

We'll be ok

The love will find its way back

To the

World

The nostalgia of the setting Sun of the day

A substantial abundance of beauty

Such an oddity

To bring such peace and comfort and ease to One soul

Yet such an aftertaste of heartbreak

In knowing

The beauty that comes from her is the bruises she obtained

From the night that came as a thief to assault her and whisk her away from me

In tumultuous anger nature raging as lightning tears across the skies

It is a madness of chaos that I share with it within myself

My heart aches

For I do not want the day to depart

And to leave me

For me

The deep darkness brings toil and hardship

It brings chaotic thoughts rampaging ricochet throughout my mind

But as I turn my head

Upon entering Decatur

I can still see a few glimpses of that Bruised sky

Almost as the day herself is whispering in my ear

" Wait for me

It'll be okay

I promise you I will return "

For these 8 hours that I must face

It compares not to the three days Christ himself faced within the darkness

And just as his story

With mine

The light shall return

And there is hardly anything that compares

To my connection with the dawn

And if the heavens my true home provides God's rays

That is the most supreme sign and blessing

To me

- I heard of an experiment some people ran called the rat park experiment where they had two mechanism button or lever or something like that one hooked to straight tap water the other hooked up to sweetened morphine or cocaine

The sad result was often once the rats got the substance and addiction set is in most cases they would find

For hours on end these rats would try activating the mechanism for the substance constantly even if deactivated

Not only that but they would completely disregard the water completely up until death

Seeing how addiction can affect your survival instincts

At times I find in my existence I realate to these vermin

Caged within my own life and experience of existence

At times from its beauty in my mind transitions to quite a ugly thing

Not much difference

Substance

A button on a card reader or trading bills

A quid pro quo

Action and results

And how many lost that spark inside them

The drive to survive

Or even a point of over doing it to a over dose

There is no good or bad chemicals

It's our interactions with such that give them there moral stance -

How patiently I wait for the dawn

The pastel skies

The drive home

The comfort

What is wrong with you ?

Who dampened the cold wet wood on your sacrificial fire ?

The last smoldering ember of a spark

Fading within the darkness

Exhausted what drive was left within you

Why not fight ?

Why not struggle against this ?

But no

You have the heart of a coward

And one of the weakest souls

Then just give up

And sink within this tar pit honey trap

Slightly sweet with that chemical after taste

You'll either dig your feet in and stand in defiance

Or surrender and give up on your knees

Self-created servitude

An unseen debt

Your signing for

The shackles these chains

You know them well the sound of them the feel of them

You're the one who made them

As I have said

You have the heart of a coward

And one of the weakest souls

You can run till the ends of the Earth

From the past, from the future, even from the present

No matter what you do

Eventually it's going to catch up with you

So

Fucking live and fight

Or die and fade

It's all on you .....

- "I can still remember my father's voice

The semi deep tone of it the crackel in it

Bits and pieces of sermons and messages

Almost fading off in the distance

Through the mist and darkness

A wisping memory

Floating away

A shimmering light of love

Of a kingdom we all once stood for

I can't reach it

Everything is different now" -

You know I feel like I don't have anything anymore

Like trying to retain anything it's like trying to grab smoke with my hands

It's all going to slip through my fingertips

Headlights cutting through the darkness of highway 31

High clouds accompanying the Moon

And often the distance

The heat lightning cuts across the skies

It's too fucked up

It's too complex

It's too complicated

I guess there's a storm raging in both of us

Did I really even ever know myself ?

Someone has a sickness

That's going to kill them if they don't have a certain type of medicine

So a doctor calls one of his nurses in

Says

I need you to go out to this community

The sickness is contagious and is spreading like wildfire and if nothing is done I fear they are all going to die

The nurse hearing this agrees to do their job and take the medicine to the sick people

But instead

The nurse started abusing the medication

Because it made them feel good

The nurse found others like them that did the same

And would spend their days taking the medicine

Because they became dependent on it

The doctor

Noticed the people were not getting any better and in fact we're getting worse and a lot were dying off from this disease

Pressed for time the doctor

Called all the nurses in urging them that time was short and if something wasn't done quick everyone of the people they were trying to save would perish

The nurses

Talked amongst one another

Knowing that if the doctor found out they had been abusing the medication meant for the sick people

That there would be hell to pay and all of them would suffer the consequences

So they go out to the sick people

From a distance

The sick people see the nurses still taking these pills

After which the nurses come to the sick people

Urging them to take the medicine

The people were unaware they were even sick and refused

Not wanting to partake in a substance they didn't need

Knowing the dire situation they found themselves in

The nurses lashed out at the people yelling and screaming grabbing the people

Telling them

" If you don't take this medicine I'll cram it down your throat"

The people seeing how awful

Ugly and hateful the substance withdrawal and abuse had made the nurses

The people got scared doubled down on not wanting to take it

Even spread it around the community of this substance and how evil and dangerous it was

Eventually

The good doctor called the nurses in

And told them

" I know what you have been doing

Your amongst yourselfs abusing the medication that was intended from the sick.

Just because it made you feel better

Did you think I wasn't watching you ?

Did you think I wasn't watching the flow of this medicine or were it was going ?

And now you have these people hating the one thing they need

Because of how you act in your desperation

You've ruined it all

And now

You shall reap the consequences of your actions "

Christians

Your good doctor is calling

What are you doing with the message?

What are you doing with the words?

What are you doing with his teachings?

The moment you understand your brain used to be an ever flowing fount

I could always pull from to drink my fill of inspiration

Pour out my soul

To the world

With everything

Inside my heart

Filled to the brim it almost has it bursting at the seems

Now

Nothing

Emptiness

All dried up

Is that the price of survival?

Of getting better?

Is it better ?

If I ever lose

Compassion, Grace, Mercy, and love

For the most deplorable and evil of our kind

Please show me all of these things

And align me back to the right path

Or if not

And I am ever too far gone

To be useful to you

Eliminate me

Snuff it out

Call me home

I find myself stuck inside of this hourglass

Peering through the glass of the world around me

Try as I may there's no way to break free

And through the process of time

When I was young

Started off as maybe a grain or two dropping every now and then

Just enough to catch my attention and make me notice

The older I got

I started realizing that more and more coming down

Until a couple of grains go to about six grains then eight then 10 and the next thing you know it is a constant steady stream of sand pouring from the top

Before you know it I'm in the situation that I am now where my body cannot stand or be able to withstand the crushing heavy weight of this mountain of sand on top of me

What the best of intentions I try my best

But to no avail because any good deed or anything I try to do

Just leads me to be the villain in the end

Why was I made this way?

Why was such a heavy handicap put on my shoulders?

Is it just my feelings or my emotions or is it really

all my fault?

Feeling like a broken pariah

If I have sinned I've not meant to

That only God knows my intentions

And only God knows my heart

And I wish that wasn't the case

When can I stop fighting this fight?

Battling this struggle and The strife ?

When can I finally lie down and rest from all this?

He was quoted as saying

You should walk to the end of days

But when can I finally stop ?