* DRAGON / BORN!

random stuff ; always accepting.

AT FIRST, HE DOESN’T BELIEVE IT. Why should he? Night after night, for years, he has had the same dream, the same damn NIGHTMARE, and it always starts like this. It always starts with Jamie, it always starts with him standing there just like he was the day he… DIED. It sounds so strange to call it that. In that moment, watching the only man who has ever seen every part of him, every broken and disgusting part of him and yet LOVED him anyway turn to ash on the wind… it didn’t feel like death. He sees it every time he closes his eyes and it never feels like death. Jamie faded from existence. If not for the people who loved him… it would be as if he had never lived at ALL.

SVEN CAN HARDLY PROCESS THE ARMS AROUND HIM. He expects Jamie’s touch to phase through him, like it always does in the nightmare, but it doesn’t. Jamie is holding him, touching him. His face is against the tangled MESS of a ponytail that has become Sven’s hair these days, and Sven can feel him. God, he can feel him! Slowly, his arms raise to return the embrace; his eyes begin to water as he claws at the fabric of Jamie’s clothing, grasping the other man is though he is soon bound to DISAPPEAR again.

random stuff ; always accepting.

LOSS. He has never been unfamiliar with it; he knows it well, like an old friend who still remembers to check in every now and then. But this loss is DIFFERENT. Where in the past, it has burnt a fiery anger in his chest, he now feels nothing. Rather, not so much nothing as an empty, dull ACHE reverberating in his bones. Part of him is missing; he will NEVER get it back. His sister, his parents— James. He has nothing. He is NOTHING.

MYA AND STEVE WILL HAVE THEIR HAPPY ENDING. A long time coming, perhaps, but they will have it. The angry bitter part of himself, the one he’s always wanted to cut out of him like bad meat, LOATHES them for it. Sven won’t have that, not with James. He doubts he’ll have it with anyone. For two years he told himself that he and Jamie would have that ending, that things were going to be alright. There’s no LYING to himself anymore. He and Jamie were never a fairy tale— they were star-crossed lovers, destined to fail from the start. They are a TRAGEDY.

IT ALMOST SEEMS LIKE JUSTICE. After everything he’s done, to have the one being on the planet who made him whole RIPPED from his arms, it seems right. The universe is PUNISHING him. He has nothing. Mya will care for him, he knows she will, but he is not worthy. Not after what he’s DONE to her. He can’t look her in the eyes without flinching, there is nothing tethering him to this life anymore and he cannot bear her worry. Sven is dead weight; she still has a HAPPY ENDING to live. He cannot find his own name among its pages.

❛ IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT YOU HAVE YOUR FATHER’S EYES. ❜

❛ && HE LOOKED AT ME, LIKE THERE WAS SOMETHING IN ME WORTH LOOKING AT. ❜

❛ I WILL BE BRUTAL. ❜

❛ && IF YOU MUST DIE, DIE KNOWING YOUR LIFE WAS MY LIFE’S BEST PART. ❜