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It feels nice. It feels safe. I don’t feel terrified. I feel wanted and secure. I feel supported and held. He is sweet and silly, and I like it. He isn’t aggressive and he’s a goof, sometimes self depracating. He’s also not overly romantic or blowing smoke up my ass so I don’t feel manipulated.

It’s very strange! It’s just nice. I don’t feel like enamored with him, but I definitely like him and I like lying in his arms and seeing him smile and laughing with him. I like kissing him too. I want to just go be in this bubble with him.

I met you on June 23rd We had a nice first date and I remembered we had a connection. I thought you were cute and sweet, and I could tell you liked me. You texted me after our date apologizing for being nervous, telling me that you thought I was pretty and that you’d like to see me again but if I didn’t want to see you then that was ok. Why wouldn’t I want to see you again? that quickly became the theme of our relationship looking back. 

We had our second date, played music together and I knew I liked you. played music for a few hours, had our first kiss, and then got Banh Mih’s together. You held my hand and I made a silly smile because I was nervous. You made another date for us to get sushi a week from then. 

We got sushi in Murray Hill and I could tell you were shocked by how i looked in a dress. I thought it was cute to see you all nervous, and we bonded over our shared love of Kurt Vonnegut. 

Our fourth date was the vacationer show, you sent me sweet songs during the week. We had mexican food in williamsburg which I later found you did not really like (eh?) and we sat by the river before the show. You asked me what I wanted, and I told you I wanted a real lasting relationship. We agreed we both wanted similar things, shared our ideas of what we thought a future relationship would be like and then went to the vacationer show and had a good time. I remembered feeling my heart sink a little when you told me you believed in god and remembered I would need to find out more about your religious beliefs. 

Our next date you came to my apartment and we got persian food and watched game of thrones. Attempted to have sex but you were too nervous, so we showered together because you were so sweaty. I thought it was cute that you were so nervous, and I thought it was kind of sweet that we showered together when we hadn’t even slept together yet. You asked me to come over the following week for a sleepover to which I said yes. 

On our sixth date, we had a nice time at Brooklyn Flea and you asked me if I was dating other people, and that you wanted to be “completely” honest with me. You shared you had been dating other people but would stop if I wanted you to. I always always thought this was so strange. I told you that I hadn’t been dating other people, that I had slept with somebody after I met you but since that time hadn’t seen that person. That information never sat well with you and became something you would use against me. I asked you what you wanted, and you said that you wanted to be with me and for me not to see other people. We recovered from that weirdness and spent the rest of the weekend together. 

I think the following couple of dates were before you went to Vietnam and you asked me if I was still talking to Brandon to which I happily replied No. I remember it being your birthday weekend and it coming out that you were STILL dating the other women despite telling me you wanted to be with me? I remembered becoming pissed off and saying I was under the impression there was something between us and that i wasn’t interested in playing games. You repeatedly asked me to not date other men while you were away in Vietnam. 

You went away for three weeks and I realized that I missed you despite being pissed off about this crap. You would send me sweet texts and things got strange when I stepped outside of my comfort zone and invited you to a soccer game. You didn’t really respond so I overreacted and retracted the invite which then lead to some more weirdness and you accusing me of holding things back.  Pushing me to divulge feelings that I was still trying to understand and not prepared for. 

You then returned from Vietnam, I felt things were strained but when we got together we were pretty excited to see one another. We then went to the soccer game and you again said you wanted to be with me but I then found out you were STILL talking to these other women for as long as you had been seeing me. i became redfaced and told you i wasn’t fucking playing around, you then kept asking me what I wanted. I thought it was so fucking strange! Every man I have dated before would ask me to be their girlfriend, not play this weird head fucky game like “oh only if you want and if not I’ve got these other women on the back burner” bullshit. You asked if we would be boyfriend and girlfriend and then told me not to expect you pay for me all the time and that it would be an equal partnership (despite you...not treating me as an equal from the get go). I didn’t say yes exactly but I was happy that you wanted commitment with me. 

I recall I think the week after that I told you I wasn’t sure if I was ready for those labels. You became angry because you had told the other girl you were still seeing that she would just be a friend. I remember being very confused by this, if you really want a relationship with me wouldn’t you not use other women as leverage with me? i remember you telling me that you kept seeing other women because they did things for you that I didn’t. I kept telling you over and over again that I move slowly and you were just visibly frustrated with me. 

The week after that I remember you asked me to go to the mets game with you. I felt we had already spent a lot of time together and wanted some time to myself, plus we were going hiking the next day. We met to go hiking and on the fucking train ride there you tell me you brought that other chick with you? i became livid and started to cry on the train. You also told me “what if I told you I hooked up with somebody in Vietnam?” and I became upset after which you said “Don’t worry, I didn’t but it almost happened”. I can’t believe what a FUCKING ASSHOLE you were to me! Then we went on the breakneck ridge hike and I became upset because you put me down when I was making a joke about myself in the store afterwards. These hikes blend together but I also remember the anthony’s nose hike and I got pissed off and we fought in the woods about you STILL keeping this other girl around and I called you on your fucking bullshit about the guise of her “being a friend”. You then flipped it around on me and said to let you figure it out and that I needed to trust you. Fine, I let it go. We almost break up the following day and then we say we love each other. I think there was another day before this that we almost broke up too, but I took your pushing me away game hook line and sinker and fought for the relationship. 

After that confession came happiness for a while. I remember you wanted to travel and after hemming and hawing I agreed that I wanted to go to Ireland with you.I mOSTLY WENT because I felt PRESSURED. You gave me no reassurance that you wouldn’t take some other chick along with you so I felt I had to go. 

Fast forward and I go to the Galapagos and missed you terribly. I am fucking confused that you aren't eager to see me right away. I go to your place to see you and you start acting fucking weird. Like you say something is wrong etc and then invite me to christmas to which i say yes I think? All I remember is you come to my place in the middle of the week to tell me you have never gotten over the fact that I FUCKED SOMEBODY ELSE??? So fucking WEIRD but I could tell you were all butthurt about it and you also said you had thought about ending the relationship because you couldn’t stop thinking about it. I should have just let that happen but it wasn’t what you really wanted. I took the bait, again. And things were ok until the next morning when shit really became fucking scary for me. 

You wanted to have sex and i did not. We had fought about this before, I remember when you would crumple when I said no. It wasn’t at first but started happening at my apartment. You said it was because you didn’t understand why i would fuck other people in my bed but not you. FUCK YOU. You told me I should “at least try” even if I didn’t want to. To prove a point I “tried” and couldn’t get wet and said sEE THERE I TRIED AND NOTHING IS HAPPENING BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO. You then threatened never to come over again and I told you that you made me feel like this disposable thing. You tried picking a fight with me, I got pissed off. We had sex and i felt like absolute shit. You apologized and left and sent me all this bullshit about how much you love me and wanted to be with me and i remember feeling fear inside. I told you I needed space and then you AGAIN tried to come over to see me and I said NO. 

You apologized again and asked me to come to friends giving and I went. We had already had our trip booked and I wanted to give it another go and told you that i was not happy with the way sex went down and you were like oh yeah me either and you shouldn’t do things you don't want to. FUCK YOU AGAIN. 

You were fucking weird on my birthday. 

Then we went on our trip. Had emotionally intense sex and generally a nice time until towards the end of our trip you blamed me for something we didn’t do. Because you changed your mind. 

Then IDK we came back and all you cold talk about was Yanil and going on a vacation with her for a week and then i was like aight I’m getting tired of this. Then you accused me of cheating and i was D-O-N-E.