Public conversations with myself

Well...I have a nose ring now (finally got it at 30). So I guess that means I can be cool enough to log back into this. 

Honestly yikes though...this was bad. But the worst part is that my style is still the same. I keep mistyping things and part of me wants to see what I would be writing if I didn’t correct myself. part of me thinks i’m somewhat being taken over - oh i’m losing my mind? 

No - just finished watching Wednesday - so I must be fully in teenage angst mode. Which makes complete sense as I am currently “at home” in my little brothers bed, posting on Tumblr of all fucking things. This must be one hell of a ‘quarter life” crisis. 

Really though, I’ve changed. Actually for maybe the first time I do feel like I’ve changed (and for the better!) - one of the biggest issues I’ve had with myself is the idea that the world evolves around me, and I stay the same. But this past year i’ve experienced growth in a way I really haven’t before...only to now - at the end of it - feel suckerpunched (omg another teen classic - wow I’m really going through it) - into feeling 15 again. 

Impact - yours......fuck you. 

        I thought i'd be able to cast this off as another thing that doesn't count. Just something that happened but doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, doesn't affect who I am or whatever I don't care about it, too insignificant to waste my breath. I can't do that  I was cold before you, I wasn't happy but I was comfortable and I was getting better, I was healing. I thought that I could handle something I guess, so I did it.........never mind all this shit. 

           POINT IS - you had an impact, let me know that i can still feel and that i am still human. technically this is a good thing. But you've made me hate myself more than I have in a long time....and that is significant. And I can't...i just can't. 

I don’t think its gonna work. Maybe im picking the worst times to be insecure… but youre picking the worst times to be inattentive, non challant and MIA. What am I, what are we doing? Can you tell me? Do you care? I donno I dont . I wish you would help me understand I wish you could. I can’t decide if this is a personal problem or if its not. I’m sorry if it is and I wish and hope that one day it will go away…I’m trying. I’m trying hard. I’m in a difficult position because I don’t think you care and I care but I’m not sure I care enough to stand by and watch as i am hurt by you. And I see signs of that happening. Im bruising. You never cared to climb my walls and you never cared to break them down and I tried to encourage you to do so but instead for you I made a door and I let you through. Hoped that the free access you had would be worth my heart and that you’d break the walls from the inside but I don’t think you care to. And I’m not making your bed inside permanent yet, you can leave. And maybe that is what needs to happen because your hurting me and I dont know you. And you won’t know me…you won’t even try. Maybe you just don’t realize that I gave you an easy way in, maybe you really think I’m simple. But you’d know otherwise if you’d try like I try to prompt you to. Just please don’t break me…not yet at least. I won’t even know what hit me… And you wouldn’t even know what you hit… And you’d walk away thinking you’d only chipped me…but I’d be shattered.