7:30;

Claire C. Holland, from I Am Not Your Final Girl: Poems; “Jess”

A partner who doesn’t manage their money responsibly is a dealbreaker.

A partner who has no basic life skills - and no interest in learning any - is a dealbreaker. 

A partner who is proud of their inability to care for themselves is a dealbreaker.

A partner who expects you to parent them is a dealbreaker. 

A partner who makes you take responsibility for their life is a dealbreaker. 

I answer a lot of questions about relationships - and spend a lot of time browsing relationship blogs - and there’s a big issue that I keep seeing over and over again: people who are at the end of their rope because their partner refuses to be a functional adult. 

The posters - who are usually women, but not always - are frustrated that their partners can’t or won’t take basic responsibility for their own lives, and they are exhausted from having to “parent” their partners. Many are in a position where they have to constantly chase down their partner to do basic chores, pay their share of bills or take care of their basic work and school responsibilities, day after day after day. There are certainly times in a relationship when one partner may need to support the other, and one partner may have a disability or medical issue that changes the types of chores they can do, but these situations are well beyond that - many of these people have been dealing with these issues non-stop for years. By the time they’re frustrated enough to turn to the internet for help, they may have had dozens of conversations with their partner about the issue and seen their partner break just as many promises, and they are desperate to find a way to make their partner take the problem seriously and finally change their ways. 

Unfortunately, if you’re in this situation, I don’t have good news for you: your partner is hugely benefiting from this arrangement, and if they’ve been living this way for months or years, it’s unlikely that they’ll ever change. 

Take it from me. When I graduated from university, I moved in with my boyfriend at the time. He had dropped out of college for the second time earlier that year, and was taking some time off to work and mature and “find himself” while he figured out what he wanted to do with his life. 

At least, that was the plan. 

In reality, however, he did nothing. For two straight years. He lost a series of jobs after less than a month because he repeatedly turned up late or simply didn’t go at all. The money that he did have went to video games, takeout and snowboarding equipment - I covered his share of the rent and utilities for months, while I was supposed to be saving money for grad school. Even though I was working full-time and he was mostly unemployed, all of the household chores would fall on me - even asking him to do something as simple as putting his own dirty dishes in the dishwasher or taking the garbage out required constant reminders, pleading, nagging, begging and arguing. It was more work to get him to do a simple task than it was for me to just do it myself, even if I was exhausted and run-down from a stressful day at work. The few times he could be convinced to help out, he did a poor job on purpose, claimed that he was “no good” at chores, and that I’d be better off just doing it for him. And so eventually, I stopped fighting with him - I did absolutely everything by myself, while he sat on the couch and played on his iPad and demanded to know when dinner would be ready. It was an exhausting way to live. 

After two years of this, it dawned on me that I did not actually have a partner - I had a 23-year-old child. I had to do everything for him - I was the one typing up resumes and submitting applications for jobs that he lost two weeks in. I was the one coming home to find my pans burnt and ruined because he’d left food cooking on the stove on high for hours while I was away. His parents gave him thousands of dollars for rent and utilities, and I never saw a dime of it - he frittered it away on junk while racking up thousands of dollars in credit card debt that he refused to deal with. His wealthy parents offered him unlimited access to the best therapists and doctors that money could buy if depression was the issue, but he refused and claimed it wasn’t - he just didn’t like chores and didn’t feel like working. After two years of pleading and nagging and teaching him over and over again, he claimed to still not know how to use a vacuum cleaner, washing machine or dishwasher, even while he easily learned how to use complicated technical equipment for his hobbies. In two years, he had made dozens of promises to change his ways and to start being an equal partner, but none of those promises ever stuck - he’d be good for a day or two, and quickly slid back into “I’ll do it later” and then “you’re better at it, it’ll be easier if you just do it for me”. We had great conversations and made each other laugh and were the best of friends, but ultimately, he was draining the life out of me. He watched me struggle for years and chose his own convenience over supporting and helping me. 

And I was done. 

It can feel petty or silly to say that you are walking away from a long-term relationship because of dirty dishes. But it’s not really about the dishes. It’s so much more than that. It’s about having a partner who values your time and happiness as much as they value their own. It’s about having someone who helps you carry the burdens of life, rather than stacking theirs on top of yours and walking away. A partner who truly cares for you doesn’t sacrifice you for their own convenience - they put the work in.