Shit My Students Say

Me: aw, thank you for inviting me. Why can’t the other teachers come?

A: *walks away blushing*

A: you can’t be a monster!

Me: why can’t E be a monster?

K: I need to find my mommy! She’s lost!

Me: oh no! Where did she go?

Me: M, what am I going to do if I don’t see you everyday?!

M: play with your other friends.

Me: but that’s not the same as playing with you!

M: mm-hm

L: it’s not fair, you have two knives and I only have one!

me: do you want to try monkey bars? Practice your tricks?

N: *sigh* fine

*does one trick on monkey bar and sits back down next to me*

N: I did it. I did the monkey bar trick. No more. I’m done. You hear me? I’m Tired.

Me: what about the slide?

Me: *talks to witch about how N is also a Witch and interrogating her for info on what sort of spells N casts*

N: *eyes wide* Give me that!

N: *speaking into the phone* I will make you disappear!

T: first I’ll be a sunshine or rainbow, then I’ll be a mom!

Me: *trying not to laugh* so you’ll leave pre-k and skip right to being a mom?

T: yep! And when I’m a mom I can go to moms work and work there.

Me: what’s moms job?

M: *to the tune of “we all live in a yellow submarine”* we are a yellow subparine, a yellow subparine.

M: *shoves a small puzzle piece into her glue soup*

M: *sticks her butt out*

M: *glancing back at me* BOOTY

Z: do you know what you can’t eat because it’ll be too hot for you?

Me: what?

O: pretend I have to go away and die and you’re sad.

R: oh yeah!

O: I have to go and die

R: oh no!

O: *falling to his knees before R and caressing his face*

O: I have to die. I have to.

O: *tosses himself dramatically across their block building*

Me: ok come on over so I can write your words! What do you want to say to your family?

I: I am a rainbow kitty named Rainbow sprinkle. Meow!

H: *holding out a bead bracelet she made to M*

H: I made this for you!

M: for who?!

H: for you!

M: for him? *points to another kid*

H: For YOU

M: for who? *slowly backing away*

H: for you!