There's a fire inside of me

Valentine’s wasn’t a day that Mirae particularly enjoyed. The reason behind this wasn’t only because she believed that love needed to be shared every single day, but also because this was the day that she was constantly reminded of the love she had lost a long time ago, a wound that never completely healed and a scar that didn’t have the strength to fade with time. All of this was her fault because despite being physically away from her, he was never away from her heart. Shin was the name marked on it, until death do us part.

Nonetheless, tonight had been a night of surprises. He caught her off guard for sitting down on the other chair at her table, when Mirae was supposed to expect someone else, then he declared himself the love of her life, something that she already knew because her heart had already recognized this many years ago, and now, Shin was agreeing at how much pointless was for her to search for a love as similar or that could overcome theirs. Nothing of this was possible, reason why she wasn’t even trying. However, his words were only making her even more confused. Didn’t he say that she shouldn’t expect less than what they had? Didn’t Shin say that she couldn’t settle for less? Then what was he waiting from her? Should she wait for him, someone who would never come back to her? Mirae didn’t even know if she could offer her heart to him ever again.

Their story certainly wasn’t an easy one but there was a part of her heart that was sincerely relieved by this because if it was, then it wouldn’t have the same meaning. Their love had been a very special one and everything about it had been life changing for her. Mirae learned how to love with the man with her, a love that she wasn’t able to find again. Dates happened in the last ten years and even a relationship was part of her life, but nothing could be compared to what she had with Shin. This was exactly why Mirae found herself startled again at his words, frowning slightly for a moment, even if there was only confusion inside of her eyes. What was this supposed to mean?

To Mirae, logic always tended to overcome instinct, but this never happened when she was in Shin’s presence. Unconsciously or not, he had the ability of making her completely lose her mind. There was no way around this because she always ended up feeling instead of thinking when he was with her. This was something impossible to control. Perhaps later, Mirae would question herself about this carefully and do her best at finding a billion of reasons to why Shin wanted to spend time with her but for now, she really didn’t want to overthink any of this as confusion naturally faded from her eyes and the corners of her lips curved into a small smile. ❝I don’t have your number.❞ Mirae reminded him. ❝Should I knock at your door whenever I want to spend time with you?❞ Her tone had an edge of teasing, but there was so much seriousness into it too.

Mirae nodded her head in understanding at his next words, already suspecting this was what he was going to say. She truly didn’t expect him to change his work habits only because she wanted him to be more careful. This was something that she could actually relate. Wouldn’t she risk her life to save others? Possibly. Therefore, Mirae honestly didn’t think it was fair for her to request something like this from him. ❝I understand.❞ She mumbled with some sadness on her tone, even though she didn’t elaborate her thoughts, choosing to keep them to herself instead. His hand moved and she naturally followed his actions, looking up at him in surprise. Mirae’s eyes stayed on his for a moment, thinking about reaching for his hand but feeling hesitating about this too. However, there was nothing smart about her when it comes to Ryu Shin. This was exactly why Mirae slowly extended her hand on the table, fingers naturally reaching for his hand.

He smiled at her words since what she pointed out to be a problem, had a very easy solution. “I’ll write it down for you, so you can call whenever you want. Heck, I’ll even give you the code to my door so you don’t even have to knock” And maybe he would regret saying that later because it meant she could come whenever she wanted, and to Shin that would be an issue. But if he was honest, he had to admit that ever since he saw her again, his life got on hold, and no one had visited his apartment. Girls stopped coming, he stopped looking for them, and damn, he was living like a monk.

Of course he knew that eventually that behavior needed to stop, that he would need someone by his side, but how could he think of that when the only woman he wanted was the one sitting in front of him? Sex was fun, but with her.... with her it changed completely and he wasn’t sure if anyone would be up to his expectations. Since well, basically all of his expectations were having her by his side.

Which was absolutely crazy!

He didn’t recognize himself and even when he claimed to be pushing his thoughts for later, it seemed like later never came. No matter how many stupid things he said, once he was alone he didn’t regret anything, he didn’t think twice about anything, he did not question his behavior and acts even when he knew he was going nuts. Maybe he needed an intervention, maybe he should ask Kyuhan to punch him in the face.

“Do you, really?” He asked, unsure of what he was truly asking. Was he asking her if she was okay with what he did? If she would never ask him to stop? If it wouldn’t be a trouble for them? Was he really asking if she would be okay with being with someone who had such a dangerous work? Was he even asking her to be with him? Ryu Shin was a confusing man, he knew that, but in that moment no one was as confused as he was.

Her hand was on his and his fingers laced with hers, he smiled, not able to hide it. If anyone looked at them they would think they were a couple in love, and Shin had to think about it for a second. Was he still in love with her? The question made him smile, since the answer was another question. Had he ever stopped loving her?

When the male reassured him that he was just being silly, Noeul had felt slightly embarrassed for taking it so seriously. He didn’t know the man though, so picking up on joking tones wasn’t as easy.

Listening to the man talk, he had raised his eyebrow just slightly. Was he talking about one night stands? Noeul was quite ignorant on the topic, never really having the experience in the dating scene. Hell, his first and only kiss happened five years ago, he dived so far back into the closet that he might as well be in Narnia and even thinking of dating terrified him. “H-Hm. I wouldn’t know- but I guess you’d be right.” He had answered with a light tremble in his voice. Casual intimacy was even further away from his mind. He wasn’t prudish necessarily but it just was never an option for him. And maybe he never wanted it to be an option anyways. 

“Now we are making it too extravagant, it still got to be believable.” He pointed out with a smile as they walked outside, his chin tucking under his scarf when the cooling air had hit him. His eyes glanced up to the man when he introduced himself. “Oh, I totally forgot to introduce- Ah, I’m Noeul. Jeong Noeul, It’s nice to meet you too.”

The way to the tables was illuminated by the street lights that were already shining brightly, a nice gleam of light hanging above them. As they reached the tables, Noeul sat down in  a chair and plopped the plastic bag on the table, his fingers already digging through the items. “These are really nice.” He said whilst holding up a bag of plum flavoured hard candies. “Or for a more savoury taste, these teriyaki chips are the best things, because they are still kinda sweet.” When he noticed most things in his bag were things with a sweet taste to it, he chuckled. “I’m kind of a sweet tooth, which is either a good or bad thing depending on what you like.” 

Shin could be a jerk and insist with the jokes but he wasn’t, he considering himself a good man so he let the subject go so he didn’t make his company uncomfortable. Not everyone was as open as he was with his night life and sex life, so he would let it go. Plus, Shin could claim a lot of things but for the past two months, he had behaved since there was only one woman on his mind. And as soon as he thought about that he shook his head because he wouldn’t let her get into his thoughts again, he was going crazy because of her and it needed to stop.

“But it all depends on how I say it, and I can be very convincing, really, I have a talent” He told him with a chuckle, smiling at him. “Jeong Noeul, it was a nice ring to it, you got a cool name” He complimented him even when he wasn’t sure if saying a name had a nice ring to it was something people said.

“I like everything. I’m not picky at all, and you know, being a firefighter means you need to stay in shape so I exercise a lot, which means I need to eat a lot too. Nothing to complain, to be honest, I love my life” He told him with a laugh.

“Did the ryu shin finally do something wrong? What happened for you to deserve a suspension?” she questioned, though she was sure the reasons were sensible, and if anything, perhaps the break would be beneficial to shin. “Well, i do have this one thing,” she found herself admitting, slightly tipsy from the uncounted shots she’d already consumed. “It’s more of a…problem? Not a secret, but it’s indirect. It’s my friend’s problem,” she clarified. “And this friend doesn’t know what to do, and she’s totally messed up from this one thing that happened to her.” 

“You don’t have to convince me, I’m not one of those ahjummas who think everyone is running out of time” He told her with a chuckle, not thinking there was a need for anything to happen in someone’s life. In Shin’s opinion, everyone had to worry to just enjoy their days, not to regret anything at the end of the night because that was the best way of living. Pressuring and forcing some other things was just a waste of time.

( … )

She decided to stay silent; Shin had already make up his mind about it all and nothing that she could say or do would change the others mind. Although it was hard to understand the other, why he rather delay his visit to the hospital, Hyunseo decides it is easier to not question any longer when it truly comes off as too forward from and to someone that aren’t close. She smiled instead, agreeing with his decision.

“Yup, I will scare them off until the career’s extinction.” A light giggle escaped her lips proving it as an evident joke since there was no way it was possible or she would ever scare the children away from being like Shin. Although Hyunseo is unsure of what she’d like to do, her ultimate wish is to guide the little ones into finding a path, even if it changes later, but a path that will have them inspired and willing to continue on with their education. “Ah, I see.” She nods her head, “I guess it’s similar to when I get hurt when running or playing soccer.” She wanted to relate to him in some way and if it’s about injuries, then so be it. “My brother freaks out when I tell him I hurt myself, but I have stopped seeing it as a bad thing after having it happen to me so many times.” She smiles at the thought. 

“Oh, please don’t, my chief will hate me, you know I was chosen to talk to the kids because I’m on his list? Whatever he can send me to he does, I was supposed to impress him with my visit” He explained laughing, since he knew she didn’t mean it and that it was only a joke. “Now he will blame me for the ending of the Jeju Fire Station” He added, pretending to be worried about it. The girl was fun to hang out with, and he was grateful to have someone to talk to before he headed to the hospital.

Noeul had laughed at the joke but when he caught his money comment, he quickly started talking before cutting himself off.  “Oh, no I didn’t mean-” Though he had noticed Shin’s appearance, he just brushed it off as him coming back from a fire, obviously. And maybe he just had an appetite for snacks after a work day, just like Noeul had. Different work, same outcome.  A sigh left his lips, a tad frustrated that his gesture didn’t come off right. He didn’t want it to seem like he thought the man looked homeless or something. “You don’t look bad, just-” His finger circled his own face. If he was more like himself, he would’ve made a playful comment about it but sadly he had changed a lot. Some people would call it maturing, he would call it missing a piece of himself.

“Ah, I’ll explain later.” It was an odd mixture of people, but both were a dream to work with. Noeul could only imagine what kind of scenarios would put those two demographics together for the male in front of him. He didn’t like suspense, but he didn’t want to end up talking forever in a 7 eleven. When he heard his confession however, he cocked his head.“Understandable.. A lot of mouths to feed is a challenge, but I’d feel more pressured cooking for a date. That is one person you really need to impress- I bet your angry bunch just wants food.” 

His hand covered his mouth when a laugh escaped him. The mental image of the whole scenario was stunning. “Why not both? Add two and we have a news story.” He said with an amused tone in his voice. 

Noeul ended up first at the cashier, paying for his stuff and bowing ever so slightly whilst thanking her. He waited near the door, his fingers twirling around the plastic handles of his bag.

“I know, I wasn’t serious, it’s okay” He told him with a laugh, shaking his head because he didn’t mean to make him apologize and feel bad for what he said. Shin didn’t take things too seriously, he considered himself a very chilled and easygoing man, so he hoped he didn’t make him feel awkward or anything since he was actually having a fun time while shopping for sweets and snacks, something he had not expected when he first entered the store.

“My angry bunch just wants food, yet, but a date is easier. I mean, to me it is, at least. After all, depending on what you want from the date you have other ways to impress them” And maybe he sounded like a jerk, but he hadn’t had any meaningful date in years since he didn’t want a relationship. Easy hooks ups were easier for him and most of them didn’t involve preparing a fancy dinner.

“Both, awesome, maybe there was an animal activist trapped so I rescued all of their animals” He followed him to the tables outside when he realized he had not introduced himself “I’m Ryu Shin, it’s nice to meet you”

Startled, that was exactly the way Mirae felt when these specific words came out from him. The wine inside of her glass didn’t seem captivating enough for her anymore, even though she had only used it as a distraction from her own thoughts. Looking up at him suddenly, their eyes met and Mirae could only stare at him, almost like seeing him for the first time tonight there in front of her, and then frown slightly in confusion. Ryu Shin was a complicated man. Was he even aware of how much he was confusing her? This constant ‘pull and push’ between them was tormenting her thoughts and allowing her heart to recognize everything about him and about their story, almost like the time gap didn’t happen and nothing changed between them.

The problem was that… it probably didn’t. Ten years weren’t enough to erase the kind of love they had and the truth was that more ten years wouldn’t do it either. They could spend their whole lives away from each other, alone or with someone else by their sides, living day by day until the last day of their lives, but Shin would always be the love of her life. Nothing would be capable of changing any of this, not even themselves. Or at least in her case, nothing he would say to her would be strong enough to change the fact that Shin marked her life in such of a way, that she didn’t have enough love to actually give it to someone else. She didn’t have the ability to consider the possibility of having what they had with another man. This wasn’t possible and therefore, Mirae didn’t even dare to search for this because it was something that was never meant to be hers.

❝Then you must understand that I cannot expect the same of what we had or even more. This is not possible because,❞ There was a pause, the silent time that Mirae could only nod her head slowly, remembering his words of a minute ago in her mind. She lowered her eyes slightly before she finished her sentence. ❝I already found the man of my life.❞ What else could she say about this? No matter how much confusing their story could be, this was the truth. Mirae had loved him with such of a burning passion that finding the same with someone else was absolutely unrealistic. This was never going to happen.

Unwittingly, her eyes followed his actions, noticing the moment he touched his right shoulder. Mirae frowned slightly, knowing that was where he had hurt himself. This was such of a common reaction from a patient. Instinctively, her subconscious started to search for a possible scenario for what had happened to him. Swallowing slightly, Mirae knew that she certainly shouldn’t be thinking about this because after all, this was Shin’s job and she knew it was a dangerous one. Nonetheless, imagining that if it had hit his head instead, he wouldn’t be there with her, was such of a distressful thought. Her heart tightened slightly at the possibility of living in a world where he didn’t exist. This was simply too much for her to think about.

However, Mirae also didn’t know the conditions of the situation and this was her imagining the worst possible scenario. She hadn’t been looking into his medical files, even if Shin seemed to be constantly in her thoughts. This wouldn’t be ethical from her, no matter how much she wanted to be sure that he was really alright. ❝Asking you to be more careful next time won’t change anything, will it?❞ She asked because otherwise, she wouldn’t have mention anything about this. It wasn’t her place and Mirae shouldn’t put herself into this situation because technically, she was only his ex-girlfriend. If Shin wanted to be more careful or not, that would be completely up to him.

Eventually I will run out of luck. These words were going to certainly haunt her for many days.

“I don’t expect you to look for the same, I don’t expect you to look for it at all. It’s pointless” And maybe those words were not the ones she needed to hear, nor the ones he needed to be saying, but Shin was tired of pretending they weren’t important for each other because they were. Shin had never loved anyone but Mirae, he wouldn’t even use the words like, he wouldn’t say he had never felt anything like he felt for Mirae because it was simply a lie. He never had any feelings towards anyone else, the only woman who had ever been in his heart was her, that was out of question.

Shin had random hook ups, he had gone on dates for a while, but his heart was never involved because once he gave it to her, he never took it back. And it wasn’t like he tried either. She hurt him by leaving him, but he had pushed her away and she just did what he had asked her to do, so the bitterness about it was gone as well. Now he was left with this... strange feeling that he was experiencing now because he didn’t want her to go out on dates, he didn’t want her to go looking for what she had found once with him. It made no sense, he made no sense.

“Yes you did, so stop going out on dates. If you want dinner then call me. If you feel lonely then call me. If you want to take a walk then call me. Just call me” He was finally saying what he wanted, which was a contradiction since he had just said he was hoping to avoid her in the hospital. But what he said when she wasn’t around was not the same as he did when she was. Because her presence forced him not to lie, forced him to face what he really wanted and in that moment, all he wants is to be the one she calls. 

He shook his head, because this was the reason why he didn’t get attached to people. He wouldn’t be more careful because thinking of himself would stand in between him thinking of the person he wants to save. Thinking of others had to be his priority and it was, only because he knew there was no one waiting for him at home. Only because he didn’t give his life value based on how many people would cry his death. So yeah, it wouldn’t change anything. But she was on his thoughts, and if someone had the chance to change his behavior, well, it was probably her.

“It’s part of the job” He told her, his hand extending on the table, and he raised an eyebrow as he looked at her, wondering if she would dare to hold his as he waited for her to do it, or if she would be the smarter one and keep her hands to herself.

( … )

“I live in the Oksun Duplex… It’s a bit far from where we are.” She responds, knowing well enough her home was a bit far from the city. She really did not mind going on the bus. She didn’t want him to drive farther from the hospital in his condition. She tried not to look as he took off his jacket, but her eyes were attracted to the bruise on his shoulder. “You know, I really don’t mind riding the bus…” She quickly adds, wondering how the other can be so nonchalant about the injury and talk as if it was nothing. 

A part of her was happy she did not cause any problems for him and his team. It was her intention and the most important. She did her best to stay away from any one with a uniform as she did not want to block their path. However the other part of her continued to feel apologetic for not saying anything about her being stuck in the backseat. If she had, all of this would not have happened.

“I’ll tell them to avoid the career at all cost.” A small smile forms on her lips as she jokes with the other, unsure if it was right to make the situation a little more humorous for the both of them. “I’ll make sure to pass on the word when I see them tomorrow.” She honestly says, looking towards the road in front of her. “I’m a bit shocked that you’re not worried about your injury, but I do hope the children grow up the same as you… if they do take this road.” It is impressive and despite thinking the other has lost a few screws in his head, she admires his fortitude.

“I know where it is, and that’s okay, I need an excuse to make some time anyways, my boss will send me to the hospital as soon as he sees me” He told her, since she was giving him the perfect excuse not to go to the hospital immediately. And that was what he needed, since he didn’t want Mirae to be the one checking his wounds. “It’s okay, really” He insisted when she made the comment about the bus. 

Despite how much she liked to convince others that her perfect romantic fantasy was completely plausible and achievable, she’d never actually had a set type of guy in mind, never mind the charming attributes and to-die-for features she so often joked about. In actuality, she was incredibly inexperienced in love, and she liked to think herself better off single anyways. Besides, valentine’s had just passed and it hadn’t ended too well. 

She poured another shot ( how many times would she have to do this before one of them became drunk? ), and scrunched her nose at the question with amusement. “What, are you expecting some tragic sob story that forced me away from seoul to find refuge on this island?” she played off, and even though her reasons were nothing too serious, there was more to the matter than she liked to lead on. She never really held anything back from shin; in fact, that was the sort of therapy she frequently sought from being with him, but to expose reasons she wasn’t even sure of herself…

“I thought you didn’t allow yourself to get drunk,” she said inquisitively, before a devious grin formed on her lips. “Yes, yes, i will get so absolutely drunk and then i’ll spill all my secrets out to you,” she teased, knowing that shin would probably take care of her if such a case did eventually occur. He was a man of nothing but good intentions, she was sure - and a wonderful sport too, perfect to share drinks with. “Should we get peanuts or something?”

“Yeah, kind of, something to entertain me, come on” He requested, a smile on his lips as he looked at her. “It’s not like I enjoy sad stories or anything, but you must have something hidden, you have that look, you know? The look people who are hiding something have” He was bullshitting his words, of course, since he didn’t think she looked suspicious or anything, but maybe she did and he was hitting the jackpot by guessing. Maybe she didn’t and perhaps he should be the one telling the tragic story that forced him to be the man he was today.

“I’m actually suspended from work for a week so I can get drunk if I want now” He was not happy about it, but orders were supposed to be followed. It was a medical license, his chief said, but still Shin was not happy about it. “Order whatever you want, I’m feeling generous. I want chips” He said as he looked for a waiter. “Okay, secret sharing time, you can start”

There was no hesitation when Mirae gave him an answer. ❝Yes, because I didn’t come here looking for a romance either.❞ The traditional concept of Valentine’s Day was made for one of her days. None of this was something she wanted at the moment. Not the passionate Prince Charming. Certainly not the romance. Happily Ever After was also ruled out. Nothing. Mirae had only wanted a comfortable dinner, with someone who could easily bring a smile to her lips, without having a conversation that would make her heart feel restless. Charity was also one of the reasons why she agreed with this. But none of her reasons was because of romance.

Shin’s words unintentionally broke her heart. There was a low uncomfortable laugh that escaped from her lips because of them, lowering her eyes to her glass of wine on the table, suddenly feeling the need of distracting herself from what they were talking about. This almost felt like a slap across her cheek, a possible reality that she was strongly trying to escape from the past two years. This was a thought Mirae didn’t want staining her subconscious, because if she didn’t listen to them, then they wouldn’t be a possibility. Nonetheless now, Shin was unfortunately voicing them out loud and there was no escape from them.

Because wasn’t this the problem? How could Mirae even believe that she would find someone who would make her feel what Shin did? Someone who would give her a love story similar to theirs? This was impossible. Nothing could even come close to match any of this. Being attracted to someone else could happen and sometimes, it could be against our willpower too. However, their intense and memorable level of attraction wasn’t achievable. Even if Mirae was interested at finding someone, she wouldn’t expect a love like theirs. This simply wasn’t possible. It wasn’t meant to be.

❝I wasn’t expecting romance to come after.❞ Mirae admitted to him. ❝I really wasn’t expecting him to change my mind about not wanting to be part of a love story again for now. Maybe he was expecting something from me but he knew where I stood when he asked me to come tonight. This was only a date.❞ This was a date that didn’t happen, but still a date anyway. ❝What you and I had, our story, wasn’t something I was searching from him. But if I cannot settle with les, then what am I supposed to do? Keep searching for the man of my life?❞ This really was a bitter situation because why search, when the man of her life was right in front of her?

Grabbing for her glass, Mirae took a sip from the wine. Shin’s next sentence caught her attention and she frowned lightly for a moment, waiting for an explanation. The last time that she saw him at the hospital, he really seemed to be in a rush to leave. Therefore, the reason for him to be there couldn’t be a good one. The ‘I didn’t want you to see me like that’ clearly implied that. The fact that this time he asked for her, even when he tried to avoid her at first, actually confused her slightly but this also didn’t seem to matter now. There was an expression of worry on her features for a moment before she dared to speak her thoughts with caution. ❝How bad was it?❞

Her words shouldn’t make him smile but they did. Whenever Mirae was around Shin turned into a real contradiction, he claimed not to want one thing yet he was pleased to hear she was on the same boat as him, he claimed not to want romance but he was willing to try it for a night with her, having a fancy dinner after convincing her date to leave. It seemed like he wanted her for himself, even when he claimed he didn’t.  He was a confusing man now, and it was all because of her. He used to be direct and simple, he used to have things clear, but after seeing her his mind was a total mess.

Her question hit a delicate spot, and his answer was probably not what he should have said. “You already found the man of your life” And Shin was that man. So what was the point on searching for someone who was in front of her? Why did she have to go out on dates? Why did she have to find romance with someone else when he was right there? Why was he even saying that when he claimed he didn’t want a relationship? Oh, what a confusing man he was being in that moment.

He looked away, unconsciously touching his right shoulder at the question. “Not too bad, but it still hurts. I didn’t break anything but they said I was lucky it hit my shoulder and not my head” So maybe Mirae didn’t look for his file and maybe she didn’t spend her days thinking of him. He should have known it, after all, just because he was a mess in her presence it didn’t mean she had to be one too. Between the two she had always been the smarter one.

“You know, there are only a certain amount of times people will tell me I was lucky. Eventually I will run out of luck” That was the only thing he had clear in his mind. He had been testing his luck and soon enough he would suffer the consequences. He wasn’t sure if he was reminding her that his life was going to be a short one or if he was using it as a reminder to himself, so he can stop thinking of things he shouldn’t wish, so he can stop pretending he can just sit here and have a romantic date with  a woman he will only hurt.

As much as it didn’t match her image ( and as much as it sounded pitiful), hyerin was always that one to drink alone, whether late at night in the apartment or by herself at a bar, consuming an entire bottle of liquor within the span of an hour or so. She wasn’t some hopeless drunk, but alcohol surely did relieve her of all the stress and pressure that’d pent up in the week. Shin certainly helped with that, and although she didn’t pour her heart out to him or anything of the sort, having another to share her petty problems with was something she was forever glad for.

“Okay okay, if you say so,” she surrendered, a slight smirk on her lips, but even if her humor permitted her, she still respected the claims he made about himself - and she cared to never tread too far into his personal life. That was what shin was to her; he was someone she looked up to, a figure of heroism and courage, and albeit she’d never seen him in action or in their daily lives, away from the bars and drinking tents, she knew he was as great a man on the inside and outside. 

She slowly nodded at his toast, pursing her lips and pretending she was approving of it in her head before finally clinking their glasses together. “You’re no fun, but i can agree to that,” she grinned, and took the shot. She had no reason to get drunk tonight, but she didn’t care about upholding a persona around shin, and she was sure he didn’t mind either. Besides, she figured it wouldn’t hurt to get a little loose. 

He suspected she didn’t believe him but Shin was convinced that she was incapable of loving anyone new. His heart had been closed since he was seventeen, and he had never decided to open it again to anyone. He had never imagined he would see Mirae again so maybe he should reconsider his words and evaluate what he truly wanted, since he couldn’t deny she had affected him in a level he never had expected. But Shin was Shin, he didn’t like thinking too much about feelings and ignoring everything always worked better.

“So tell me, really, what is a girl like you doing in an island like this? And I know, I know, you finished school and your friend lives here but I’m not buying it” Shin smiled, knowing that if he focused the conversation on her he could avoid thinking of Mirae. He was being unfair with Hyerin, maybe she didn’t want to talk about it, but he didn’t lose anything by asking, right?

“Or should we be more drunk to speak about these things?”

There was a smile on the curves of her lips, his answer bringing some brief nostalgia into her thoughts. Ten years ago, Mirae would have claimed exactly that. Everything about Shin had been boyfriend material to her and while he had flaws, like anyone else, she had seen them as remarkable qualities. It had been words said to him before, his possible imperfections were seen as perfections. Nonetheless, this happened a long time ago and she wouldn’t be foolish at believing the man with her now was the exactly same from her past, the one she fell head over heels in love with. Their last night together, completely allured into the moment, in each other’s arms and sharing wholehearted words and instinctive actions between them, Mirae really felt like she was exactly where she belonged, naturally by his side. But this could only have been an illusion of the moment, because nothing about this should be meant to be. Everything had changed, she needed to keep saying this to herself.

Therefore, Mirae didn’t dare to voice out loud to him her train of thoughts, stopping herself before teasing him with a ‘I wouldn’t blame them, you had always been quite charming. Boyfriend material, indeed’. These unquestionably weren’t the right words to use now. There was always a perfect time for everything and this wasn’t the one. Taking Shin’s words into consideration, the doctor had to admit that they actually made sense. Valentine’s Day was definitely for the ones romantic at heart, who were probably looking for a lovey-dovey commitment with someone who wanted the same as them.

These days weren’t made for her, an understanding that she came into conclusion many years ago. Valentine’s Day was meaningless to her nowadays and working during these days were usually part of her routine. Today was the exception and to be honest, Mirae actually didn’t regret coming because even if her date didn’t come, she would allow herself to be selfish for at least one more hour, by keeping Shin with her. This had been an action out of her control, obviously not planned because she didn’t know that he would be there, but now that Mirae did, she didn’t want him to leave. The reason was unknown even to her, but she wasn’t questioning her thoughts either.

❝All of them?❞ Her tone clearly implied that she didn’t believe in this. ❝Hardly.❞ She voiced her opinion, shrugging her shoulders slightly. ❝It seems that you don’t and there is probably more people around here on the same boat as you.❞ She would know this, wouldn’t she? Because opening her heart to her heart hadn’t been on her ‘to do’ list for tonight. Shin’s question about her date surprised her and hesitating momentarily, she figured it was only fair to answer him since he had also answered her about the speed dating. ❝I’m not here for romance.❞ Mirae admitted. ❝But I was here for a date, with someone who maybe could be a Prince Charming.❞ There were many things perfect about the man who was supposed to be meeting her tonight, but none of them seemed to be enough to convince her at seeing commitment with an optimistic light. ❝I’m just not looking for one now.❞ This was a satisfying answer, wasn’t it?

Mirae’s smile widened slightly at his toast. ❝For us.❞ She agreed only a second after, raising her glass slightly. For their unforgettable story, for the love that certainly felt a permanent mark in her heart, for feeling instead of thinking a month ago, for having the courage to hold them in each other’s arms, for everything that brought them there, to this exact point. Despite the hesitations, Mirae honestly didn’t regret her decisions since their paths crossed again. However, a last day was exactly that, only a last day.

It really has to be, she thought to herself.

Menus on the table when the waiter approached their table, forcing herself to deal with her thoughts later. She gave the waiter her order, smiling only a touch while he was writing it down.

This was only a dinner, nothing else. Then, why was her damn heart so unsettled?

“Are you saying that because you’re on the same boat as me as well?” He asked curiously. With Mirae there was a time he knew what she was thinking without having to ask, with just a look, he would know if they were on the same page, if they were thinking the same. But now he had no idea, and he had to ask because he was risking being really wrong if he dared to assume she was thinking the same as him. It was quite curious to think of how much they knew each other in the past, and how little they did now. At least with words, because when they were together it seemed like their bodies were still the same, they had never erased each other from their physical memory.

“How’s that? Were you expecting for romance to come after? Because we both know that’s not how it works, you can’t just be practical and plan romance, or hope it will come after. You know, after having what we did, you can never expect less than that, you cannot settle with less” He wouldn’t let her, even if that meant encouraging her to find what he gave her with someone else. Mirae couldn’t accept anything less than the crazy attraction they had, that amazing feeling of love they shared, she could never accept anyone giving her less than that. Which was a shame, because he suspected that at least him, would never find a girl who made him feel like she did.

He placed his order an the waiter left, while the glass reached his lips to taste the wine and his eyes were set on hers. He had decided to move on, yet here he was, ruining her date because he couldn’t accept the fact that some other man would be sharing his time with her. He had been jealous, but he had lied to her, to him, instead of accepting it out loud.

“I went to the hospital the other day” He decided to tell her, and be honest for a change. “I tried to avoid you, I didn’t want you to see me like that, but even when I was there I asked for you. You were off” He explained, remembering how he had been so decided to request any doctor but her, only to end up demanding to have her taking care of him. What a contradiction, but it was always like that with her. His heart took over and did everything his brain didn’t want him to do.

( … )

Hyunseo kept quiet when he spoke back. She didn’t feel rejected, but she realizes how out of line she was being to his man she rarely knows and vice-versa. She thinks back, understanding how uncomfortable the other could have felt at her approach. “Oh, okay, sure.” She spoke softly, following him towards the car, her eyes still on him from time to time.

“You can drop me off at any near by bus stop, I can go home from there.” She offers, not wanting to waste any more of his or his coworkers’ time. She enters the car and rests her hands on her lap, keeping to herself as always. No words were forming in her mind to say something. She was feeling like her regular self, aware of her surroundings and quiet. 

“Thank you for today and I’m sorry for the extra stress I’ve caused you and everyone else.” She finally says, looking at Shin whom she is still worried about, but keeps it to herself. Her worry isn’t needed and maybe he’s right, it’s not as bad as it sounds. What does she know anyway, she’s never been in such situations.

“Where do you live anyways? Maybe we are not too far” He asked as he took off his jacket before getting into the car. His hat and everything was on the backseat and now he could see his shoulder changing colors. It looks swollen and chances were he would need to see the doctor sooner than he thought. But it was okay, he could move it and drive without troubles and that was always a good sign. He would put some ice when he got home, or take a warm bath, that was probably a better idea since he was sure he looked like a mess.

“It’s okay, you were very good, actually. You didn’t put yourself in danger and that’s what matters” Because anyone giving his team an extra reason to worry about was someone who was not adding anything, but she stayed where he told her and didn’t cause any troubles. She was better than some of the reporters that liked to tag along the truck.

Noeul had responded to his sentence with a thoughtful look, his lips pursing to the side. “I mean, you just inadvertently asked.” He laughed lightly. Though he was feeling a wave of generosity, he did remember why he was about to buy the things in his basket. His best friend. “But we can share a bit, there just need to be enough left to satisfy my roommate when I get back home to him.” The younger’s voice had a caring tone to it, indicating that he was thinking about his friend. 

When he heard him mention his distaste for cooking, Noeul had listened, trying to understand his struggles. In the restaurant he worked at it was mostly calm and quiet seeing as the majority of people visiting were the Buddhist monks from the nearby temple. And his work at Jeju’s Learning Centre was busy, yes, but the most he had to deal with were crying children. “I wouldn’t know, the people I cook for are either kindhearted monks or sweet kids.” He had almost beamed when he spoke, seeing as both jobs had great costumers, but toned it down seeing as he didn’t want to brag. “But I’d probably still enjoy cooking even for the angriest and hungriest people. Because if there is a smile on their faces after eating, It’s all worth it.” His almost beaming smile turned into a knowing one, hoping the words resonated with the man. “Maybe that thought will help to enjoy making food.”

Noeul had chuckled when Shin had spoke. “What?” He said with an exaggerated tone to it. “You saved twenty people? At the same time? Woaw.. That’s crazy.” The look on his face read as a faux wave of amazement, before breaking into a smile and turning around.

Having everything stuffed in his basket, he walked to the cashier to pay for their items - signalling the firefighter to come with. 

“It’s okay, I actually do have money to buy food by myself, despite of what this current look says to you” He knew he looked like a mess, but he had been feeling lazy and if he didn’t come out and buy something now, he would take a shower in the station and then feel very, very lazy. But maybe he was giving off the wrong vibe, which is why he decided to add a few more things to share in his basket before going to pay for it so they can sit and start eating. He’s hungry, after all. “We’ll leave enough, I promise, all I really want is some sweets, I am craving, maybe I’m pregnant” He joked with a chuckle.

“Really? Why is that?That’s an odd mix of people, monks and kids?” He couldn’t imagine what he could do to have to feed them both, but maybe his roommate was a monk and he had a kid? That could be a good explanation but Shin wanted to hear his answer since he was sure his imagination wasn’t that good. Maybe reality would surprise him. “I like cooking for myself, and maybe a date or something, but when there’s too much people I feel too pressured” He confessed.

“And a cat, add the kitten, that always makes everyone go wild. Or maybe a puppy, that’s even better” He said between laughs, paying for his food with a chuckle.

Nothing was ever going to be simple with Shin. Even now, with him on the same table as her, Mirae couldn’t figure him out. There were times between them where she seemed to catch the glimpse of the man she fell deeply in love with ten years ago, the only one who had everything from her, including her own heart. This could be such of a poetically tragic story, because the one who broke her heart was the only one who had and will forever have it. Destiny tricked her into loving the one she could never have. There was no way of denying this, no matter how much she would never have the courage to voice these words out loud. However, only because love was an emotions only meant to be his, this didn’t mean that she loved him now. It couldn’t happen again. Her heart wouldn’t take it.

Shin’s words naturally brought confusion into her mind. Mirae had given him a way out because she believed he was also avoiding her. But if this was the case, then why was he there? Was this only because he was a gentleman, like Shin had claimed to be? Or was this because he wanted to be there with her? If she actually told him to leave, would he stand up and leave without looking back? For some reason, this thought seriously upset her. If this happened, it would inevitably mean that he really didn’t care for her. But why should this perturb her so much? Shin wasn’t supposed to care because technically, they were only strangers with a past story in common. After ten years, none of them should care. However, Mirae did and maybe this was exactly why it made her upset.

Did she want him to leave? No, she honestly didn’t and it was with this in mind that Mirae was about to give him an answer. Nonetheless, words were halted before she could say anything, listening to his explanation to why he wasn’t at the speed dating. This actually made sense, even though she truly didn’t know much about these type of events. ❝Speed datings don’t allow the participants to talk after?❞ She asked curiously, maybe faster than she had intended. Realizing this, she paused before she explained. ❝I’m asking for scientific purposes now.❞ Mirae smiled at her own choice of words. This was really silly because once a nerd, always a nerd, it seems. ❝Nevermind. I was just curious.❞ She told him honestly.

Her eyes on her glass, while the wine was pouring into it. Her smile faded from her lips momentarily at the mention of the toast, looking up as she met his eyes. Well, it seemed that Shin really wasn’t going anywhere and if she wanted to be honest with herself, she also didn’t want him to go anywhere either. Mirae wanted him to stay with her. There was some hesitation, but she wouldn’t lose anything at voicing her thoughts out loud to him. Unlike the last times, she wasn’t going to simply fall into his arms. They weren’t alone this time, so therefore the possibility of resisting was probably stronger too. This was only be a dinner, just like the nights of a month ago were only nights. Nothing was going to change, even if she admitted that she wanted him there. The smile returned to her lips. ❝I want you to stay.❞ She admitted. Almost like déjà-vu because she had said almost these exact same words before, didn’t she? ❝So a toast.❞ She agreed, reaching for her glass. Looking up at him, her smile widened lightly.

“Oh yes they can, I just think it’s unfair to give five minutes and then for them to believe I’m boyfriend material. It’s Valentine’s day, people here look for romance, they are looking for the Prince Charming and the Happily Ever After” Maybe he sounded a little cynic, but this was a special date when everyone was craving for love and they all seemed to be looking for the one thing they didn’t have. Just because he was single it didn’t mean he would make someone think he was available, those were two different things.

Shin was single by choice, not by circumstances, so he would like to keep it that way for a long time. Relationships were hard and he was not in a place to be with someone. He thought of the fire he attended at the beginning of the week, the one where he hurt his shoulder and where the doctor told him that if instead of hitting his body it hit his head, well, chances were he wouldn’t be here today. Was it something he liked someone else to deal with? Would he feel okay with telling anyone about it? More important, would he like Mirae to know?

He knew Mirae had access to his file if she wanted to see it, but he wasn’t sure if she was curious about him. Did she check his file at work just to know how he was doing? Was she worried about him? Did she think of the dangers of his job or was it something she completely ignored? Did she think about him at all? Or was she just assuming she did?

“Are you here for romance? Was the man who cancelled Prince Charming?” Since it didn’t take much to convince him he assumed they weren’t in a serious relationship. If they were, the man would have said more when he introduced himself as her boyfriend, but maybe her intentions were different, maybe she was really into that man. “I’m curious” And he would insist until he got an answer that satisfied him.

“For us”  For their story, for their connection of a month ago, for those nights they spent in each other’s arms but more important, for the peace of heart she gave to him that one last day. That afternoon, where they just laid down together, when he allowed himself to remember how it felt to love her. Just for a night.

( … )

It is inevitable for Hyunseo to not worry and didn’t realize how strong she was reacting towards his injury. At times like these, gender or age did not matter to her, it is their well being that does. “All the time?” She repeats in disbelief. Hyunseo had her ankles sprained when she used to play soccer religiously, but it happened once every blue moon. She took care of herself as much as she could, but as this man is so nonchalant about his injury made her worry even more.

“Okay… But are you sure you’re okay? Is there anything that I can do to help?” She continues to ask as she follows him towards a car that resided away from the scene. Her eyes were on his shoulder as they walked and she couldn’t help but think how much it is hurting him.

“I can go with you to the hospital if you’d like…” She quickly added, ignoring the fact that she might be obnoxious towards him. It was difficult not to worry and worrying made everything else she is thinking erase. Before she was wary that she was so close to a man and now all she wants to do is be around him… at least until he’s okay.

He was not used to have people worrying about him and instead of making him feel good, he felt uncomfortable. He had always known he would die young, ever since that first fire, he knew there would be a time when he wouldn’t walk out of the building, he knew he wouldn’t come back, so he avoided people worrying about his health because eventually one day it would be much worse.

“I’m fine, really, I’m not dying and I can walk, it’s not as bad as it sounds” He explained and he really meant it, he was not in too much pain, he had been much worse before, and even when he knew he had to see the doctor, he was avoiding it as much as he could. Which he figured he should explain so she didn’t feel like he was rejecting her company.