I was wrong. I'm not too old for school. In fact, school is for everybody. We just have to choose the right classes for us - the actual subject we're interested in, the kinds that don't make learning feel like a chore.

I felt this in my Anthro 100 class. Apart from the fact the subject matter was interesting, it was coupled with a good professor who was deeply knowledgeable in anthropology.

I feel calmer now. I don't know. Maybe you have no choice but to go calmer when you've used up all your energy for worry, anxiety, and nervousness.

I had a burst of inspiration. What if I don't have to stop school cold turkey after graduation? What if I could still pay for and then sign up for some classes (such as Anthropology, Business Administration)? I'm still looking into this and if it is possible. I also want to factor in the possibility of flying to the US at the end of the year.

Maybe a little bit of money while waiting for my US trip can't hurt. I can't stand not doing anything and I don't want to be a waste of space either. I'm thinking of going job hunting for a while.

I realized: Maybe it was time I became a bad guy again. By the end of the day, I have a 4th House Pluto. Any personal living space of mine will always end up with a fucking Cold War. Somehow, it always ends up with a Cancer bitch, too.

I don't feel safe in my own condo unit because of female microaggressions. Apparently, I've been the butt of the joke between my aunt and her manipulative social-climbing helper. Of course, my aunt is the instigator. She likes to talk smack behind people's backs and think that it's all lighthearted and funny and the helper does so too because she feels like she will get into her good graces.

.. while thesis researching.

As you may know, I am suffering from huge bouts of academic anxiety. To remedy it, I decided to do some meta-research concerning the anxiety brought on by the undergraduate thesis (and man, did Google Scholar not disappoint).

Okay, so here it goes.

This is just one twelve-page article in the Islamic Guidance and Counseling Journal and it discusses how Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) viewed the academic anxiety (of Indonesian college students) induced by the undergraduate thesis. What I'm doing is pretty meta, as I am doing academic research on the feelings that emerge in the making of an academic requirement, such as the feared undergraduate thesis, which is reflective of my own experiences.

References

Why is this the case? I've been wondering really. I've deleted my Instagram and Twitter apps from my smartphone to lessen the screen time but it seems that I'm getting it more than ever elsewhere (on my web browsers, for example).

Maybe the way we should do it this time is to not think about it? Perhaps do the thing we have to do without thought? Maybe it's even doing it without upholding the standards for perfection - that despite the fact that it is far from perfect, the fact that it is halfway or 70% done is perfect in itself.

I feel empty. Maybe it's my indoor sedentary lifestyle or maybe the fading novelty of internship work or maybe the anticipation of the incoming senior year is weighing on me.

I used to think I'm the kind of person that continually fights for her peace. Unfortunately, even that gets tiring. Constant spiritual awareness and profoundness can lead to burnout as well.

I'm not looking to remedy all this. I have the sneaking suspicion that this isn't academic or work-related burnout. I think this is a quarter-life crisis experience early. I'm anxious about problems that will possibly occur at a certain point in the future.

As a matter of fact, I think more about work, money, and career matters instead of school and undergraduate thesis matters. I think there is a feeling of tired helplessness I feel when I worry about these things.

I am in an awkward position in life; I am too old for school and at the right age to work but I don't have the luxury to pursue the work-related things I see myself ready for seeing that I don't even have a thesis on hand (much less a thesis topic).

Life's delays are really taking a toll on me. While I always believed that I should achieve things at my own pace, sometimes external influences get the best of my own convictions of success. How can I enjoy my success when we naturally compare ourselves to others in the race to gauge how well we are doing? How can we know we are doing fine when we don't have a social and cultural point of reference?

Maybe I've sunk too deep into myself again. I need to achieve something material. Sure, money might not be everything, but it can be something and maybe even the best thing at certain times. Money can be the priority for someone like me who craves financial mobility and independence.

Perhaps it could also be the need for workplace achievement. Money isn't the only important material thing around. Workplace achievement represents a status symbol of one's skill and abilities. I might need to be more pragmatic.

I have a weird relationship with money. It's weird because I've never really gotten the desire to make money for myself unless it's to fulfill basic human needs, such as rent, food, clothing, and other stuff. While I've closely examined other facets of my life and gained a better understanding of these facets, I've yet to examine my spending habits and how I value money in general?

So, what is money? Is it something that brings me joy? What are my first few thoughts when I take a hold of it? Do I first think to invest in it? To spend it on delicious food? Do I put money on a higher pedestal enough to sacrifice a healthy work environment for a huge paycheck?

I decided to start writing about money, now that I am older and really have no choice but to think about it (given that I am about to graduate in a year or so). For certain, the societal pressure to amass wealth will get to me - and I will join another bandwagon yet again. It is for the best and for my social and economic security.

There are times when asking my aunt for money feels embarrassing. While it is acceptable since I am still in college, it makes me feel pathetic as I am already twenty-three years old and living under the same roof and under the same budget as someone's charity.

If there are any beliefs or values I have about money, I think I have to be more silent and look more closely. The ones I could think of at the top of my head are:

Having money is liberating.

Forget being rich. Let's think of economic security. Maslow's theory on human needs is pretty on point. So far, his theory and its practical aspects of it align most of the time. When one has money, it creates social and economic mobility for them. They are able to afford better means and resources for themselves. Either they consume or reinvest these purchases for themselves.

I remember when I first for my Legion 5 laptop. This was the moment that liberated me from all of the difficulties of online classes. Simultaneously, I gained Fiber WiFi and a good study desk - a new, spacious, and brighter home altogether. A dream come true to live in during a crisis that forces people to stay at home.

I also managed to play Valorant with my friends because I had such a nice gaming laptop. Online and remote studying was a lot better and smoother. I felt like I had a lot of power with the keys under my fingertips. With this, money allowed me to buy a laptop which helped me partake in social activities with friends. It also made my academic processes much faster, more efficient, and more effective.

The burnout is palpable. I'm afraid that this time, there isn't anything like it, and requires a lengthier recovery time. The feeling of lethargy and drowsiness feels infinitesimal. The fact that I am working and on-call doesn't help either.

Since I rested for the majority of today, I plan on working double-time tomorrow, but with maximum efficiency. In order for me to do that:

I plan on creating specific tasks to follow throughout my day tomorrow.

I also want to limit my working hours to 6 hours.