Wherever you go, there you are.

I'll have my phone more, so I can catch you guys up soon ♡ <3

Someone sent me flowers anonymously and it REALLY made my day. And they are YELLOW (is love)! Thank you if it was someone here! I decorated my pole (oliver). Still collecting decorations and taking suggestions lol :p

I love you all. We are aiming for harm reduction now as opposed to full recovery. Conflicted feelings there. GI issues and eating disorders existing should still be made illegal. I'll post 2 pics in a minute. Miss you guys! <3

I wish I had time to update you guys, but I am still here. Here's some birthday pics to hold you over.

I may or may not be around for the next few days. Apparently my tube and me not being able to finish/getting sick is upsetting people. So now I have to follow the usual rule and sit until I am done. Usually I can stomach breakfast and snack but I have a feeling I will be in there from noon to 10pm, the latest they are allowed to hold you. It's very upsetting that other patients are running my treatment plan but yeah, good fucking times. So I would lose cell and media time, plus groups and therapy and any friendships I have formed will weaken and that's a huge part of this for me. The spitefulness is kicking in, and if this lasts more than a few days things will get ugly. I have been working on compliance and eating so hard and this makes me absolutely not want to. Anyway if I don't answer texts or messages or post, that's why. I hope everyone is as okay as can be <3

*We only have our cells and media from 6-9pm now due to people being immuture so I HIGHLY apologize if I really struggle to answer messages but I will try to keep things updated. Anything overly triggering will be on the other blog, likely in shorter blip, just thoughts* -The community here right now is really a struggling and not close one, the ages are just so odd. -HOWEVER I asked for help after lunch today instead of purging and after 3 people ignored me an awesome guy was more than happy to help distract me and him, another girl and I ended up chatting for almost 5 hours, which wouldn’t have happened if we all had our cells and media, so the only benifit I see is more socialization which is highly important to me. How ever I think there are far more cons. (People having to drop classes, mom’s not being able to call kids before school, people unable to get in touch with family to see if they made pass or not etc) BUT I MADE A FRIEND (or 2?? :D) But the girl did nails, but not as good as @revivingdeb :p -The staff have been much kinder to me recently which has been helpful. I guess since I am being more agreeable they are too :D -My GP was terrible today and it just makes me so angry. -Bed time 11 and snack is at 9 so and the other walking dead fan (hollllaa @chopstickchick know you are watching dead ) are going to catch the end after snack since it starts at 9 and try to sneak in the beginning when it reairs at 11, hopefully we can see it all even if backwards! -You would never guess I am the same depressed girl rotting on the couch for so long. For many reasons I don’t have time to explain my mood always lifts in treatment, but obviously calories help. -Body image sucks and I am falling into the same pattern of behaviors that always bite me in the assignment so my goal is to cut back by half on one of them NOW. -I know I just started treatment but it feels like I should be heading home because of all the time in medical between Delaware and here. -STILL don’t know if my colon works. The nurses and dieticians are far more concerned than the dr, which concerns me. -I have to sleep at a 45 degree angle because of the tube feeds and they wake me up so often because I slid down lol. They also wake me up 45 minutes before everyone else to handle the tube feeds and tpn which sucks balls. -I was so scared of not making friends because of the tpn and people thinking I was noncompliant because of the tube but since I spoke up everyone has been awesomesauce. -TPN should stop tomorrow if I maintained over the weekend, which I hope I did, though I had my struggles. -Today has been the best day by far, which was unexpected, but I am grateful. -I have gotten mail out to a few people, so those who have written in the last month or 2 things should be rolling in shortly :) Peaches to @praisepoptarts , your cute sign is hanging on my door :)

I don't know how many of you know different types of nasal tubed but there's NG vs NJ in this case. So with an NG you can bolus feed, let's say you want to do a 60 ml syringe of formula over 2-3 minutes, fine. The stomach stretches and can hold it. But I have an NJ. An a this grand ol' doctor I have decides to put in the orders in a way that's hard to read. So 2 nights ago they get the go to start the tube feeding. Good. Fine. Cool. I fucking hate tpn. Except he sets it up as a bolus at a rate of 520. The nurses decide to "be nice" and let me "go slow" at a rate of 400. I immediately start cramping do they lower it to 150. Telling me they can't start at 10-20 like I always have in the past. Lower it to 100. Vomit. Violently. Formula and bile all over. So they called it a night and that's the story of how the Dr. who is supposed to be top notch and put in his first NJ on me threw my amalyse and sodium levels out of wack for 2 extra days. I gotta say, while I am upset that the nurses didn't listen, they don't really work with tubes here, but I think cleaning up that mess taught them quickly. (At least they didn't make me clean it up like most places do when you purge because this was totally out of my control.) So we started at 20 the next day and are slowly going up, up to 30 now and doing okay. But what a disastrous night. Especially with my mom frantically go ogling trying to figure out how that is even physically possible. (It backed up through my intestines till it hit my stomach which isn't working, hence the projectile.) Now I can laugh at the ignorance. But oh my.

My ~artsy shadowy~ side :p

My reason for recovery was because the older people with eds were so entrenched and you could see the life sucked from their eyes and soul. They just weren't there and had lost so much from this disorder. Now I am the 5th youngest here (at 24! Weird census) and they no longer scare me. But the fact that it doesnt, does.

Here's an "I am alive" photo. TPN still going, NJ in but not being used yet. Pretty much a prisoner since I am committed. Life sucks. See my side blog for a way longer than needed update, basically just on the above topics.

It's Prison. No groups. No standing. No walking except for the bathroom. No questions allowed to be asked about why. I guess they don't want people to see someone with an IV of TPN. Whatever. And the lady who told me she didn't want me on the unit had to try and give me an IV last night. She tried 3 times and called a resource nurse but made sure to dog around for a while Psychiatrist decided I am bipolar after speaking to me 4 times and won't tell me about the new med he wants me on. I am just so angry to be here, and angry that it's not the program I remember. And of course, same GI dr. No treatment.

Depression is a bitch and I just got up per Dr's orders and have a few things to do. Phone died last night so I promise I'll get to you beautiful people as soon as I'm able today and tomorrow.