things my parents won't read

Can safely say that Hk is my least favourite city i have been to, in China. 

Sth bout it just seems off but seems right to everyone else. 

Confirmed to be going back to uni with my mods and accommodation settled. 

Doing very ok, feeling kind of excited again. 

Was so close to adopting an animal but it really isn't for me, i have other therapeutic things i enjoy doing; i don't feel like i am at home enough although i am home enough. 

speed post rushing for time before my laptop shuts hahah

nO Longer afraid of the extreme cold and warmth. my body’s hemeotasis is brilliant and i am just in a perpetual state of being very ok. Some might see it as disinterest or unbotherednes (not a word) but again, comfortable :)

scouting for another part time job with more responsibilities. Working kinda makes me happy but the right kind and right culture for myself. Not the universally desired one if anything. That’s ok.

Lastly, think i am no longer afraid of distance. The closer the better, wrt other half.

You know, he used to come back home from work, stern and beaten and i would get upset. I got upset at everything, the way his smile wasn't usual the way he would not hug me right and how he would look forced to say that my dinner was good. 

Now, I'm back in the field too. I see the bosses, they dressed in their to go clubbing outfit, constantly being undervalued at work. God forbid people talk about my past experience, it is such a dirty word. I know what they call me behind my back, a relic, a dinosaur and a technology idiot. I asked zac to teach me how to use the messaging app and all he did was to reinforce how stupid i was and i felt betrayed- i spent half a decade to nurture him.

The heat i feel on my back is not that of Singapore’s sun. More so the heat of the workload building up over labour day. Doesn't matter, the email comes in and it reads, “we need to talk.” 

so many things to say about age/workplace discrimination but no one understands me just yet. 

oh no my friends’ appetite for things like wine, more experience and knowledge are expanding and I can see forsee our roads diverging. Hard not to when we spend so much time together at uni  and easy to be just pushed with the flow. 

rmb thinking how the bitter taste of coffee will not compare to the bitterness reeking from ((cannot mention)) and that the joys of (a portion of) millenials will not  make me happy - free expensive dinners from OT, 1.5 hours lunch break(wtf), pool tables (pls buy your own and if u cannot afford it, reevaluate your life vomits)  and that my personal life remains happy and mine etc etc. 

so, thank you for never letting the flames lick my heels and the tropical sandstorm ( that others have created for themselves) to hurt me. 

so, for the understanding thoughts and the actions to make it better for yourself (first and foremost) but, never leaving me behind.

// i try so hard to make you see things my way.

so, u still look me in the same light; even under the  LED that strips away all the perfection leaving anything raw and flawed. Still, you think its ok and can live with me. 

But excuse me, i might have to leave----

Been meaning to write about this now but 2? years ago, a friend and i agreed to have a short holiday somewhere because in my mind, i really needed a getaway. i booked my tix a few days(?) before my flight?   

We individually booked flights at different times, landed at different times and then (I) took the dodgiest taxi ride (then) to our  hotel room-our designated meeting point,  which i checked into and entered the room (empty)  while she was waiting for me at the lobby.(what is security??) All this with no available internet connection and the other things mankind uses to keep connected in the 21st century.

Before flying, did 2 consecutive meals-lunch(very good chicken)  and dinner (very good hotpot) with another friend and said friend. RMb thinking how cool because i mean, i think that has never happened before? Jc doesn't count and i don’t think ...

But i just thought the level of trust and dependability was fucking god sent and that I'm always a good version and a nice version and a calm person with friend. 

We are midway into the new year!

Have been having conversations about the imaginary and cannot sound more like the lunatic i already kinda am. Kinda want this one month to draw to a close and then the 4 months to draw to another close and the i always wish for cny to end quickly and this praying of time to pass quicker is not the right way to live. 

There was once i needed to hear certain things you say to be ok and to see you for my days to be alright, and this imaginary space between (us) has drawn to a close because its no longer applicable but BUT the fact that this imaginary battle in my head has been defeated is a victory in itself. 

This summer has also seen me being shut out over and over Again by the people closest. At a corporation, I ask for one thing but they bargained and offered me 3. (offered! how generous) They told me they would give me 1)kind thoughts 2) Coffins- symbol for medical benefits and 3) cigarettes (read:consumerism)  

But i don't need the kind thoughts or the addiction and my “i told you so” will be pointless. None of this will make sense 

And then I (we) will all realise, we will never ever be. 

denaanana

I am struggling to see the changes in my life and it is showing- easily irritable and living the worst version of myself morally but it is worthy to note that i am having a good reign over other aspects of my life still. How funny but if this is to be forever, i want out.(  quitting my dreams! and all career aspirations.) 

Also, in the past month, i have 1) lost my planner with all its loosely printed polaroids amassed over the past 6 months. I left it on the seat at the boarding gate and only realised 1 hour after take off. Felt horrible but could not shed any tears.

2) understand why people would want or need a 2 hour lunch break. 

3) learn that i am independent and functional in many ways but independent from coffee in zero ways. 

Recalling about  last acad semester, where i left and forgot about my hand held luggage at Lax and proceeded to struggle bringing a combined luggage of 45 kg up 5 flights of stairs. Also, the bitch of a winter I will have to face soon and the rules i place on myself. 

Recalling last summer where i found comfort in fleeting presences and then advised my friends to not do the same. 

All my struggles plus other things, no one will ever know! Till now

Ok... took me very long but i finally sorted out my own personal views on many conflicting current affairs. e.g.  Smrt raising fares etc to generate profit and many other things. Finally got a journal midway into the new year, my mum usually buys one for me. 

The difficult thing with writing things down is that, it cements your said position and should your views change or things happen; it would be your odds.

It’s been a long long while since such shitty sleepless nights. Sometimes, i question my existence in life and its easier to live and live and cope with what life throws at you and get to be on top of the pyramid scheme; but this guilt of living is very strange. It creeps up on me in the night, or between transitioning phases. I regret the things i should have said, did not have the foresight to know of, the mean things I said to hurt and my terrible thoughts coming from my own fears. 

Also strange because i have been the kindest and most forgiving self in the past few months ever. 

These nights though, remind me that i am human but i know when i finally get to sleep and wake up tomorrow, my body will fit into clothes and i will be ok again. 

romantic love poems are ok but i want to do more than only writing about romantic love poems. 

It is the 31st may 2018, 5.04 a.m. and i am about to start work in SH soon. This internship was what i really really wanted when i applied for it, but now i am having hesitations largely because i will be away from family( close friends r part of family!) 

It is difficult to visualise things and if, it will play out good but i have planned my holidays this way and hopefully life will pan out in the best fit possible for me. Hard to swallow the failure that is 2015-16. 

I know i will meet new people and they will invite me to their drinking sessions, football games(watch, not play omgomgomg!) , nights out and even sit together in lectures or laundry if you wish. But, i have not been alone in an extremely long time and feeling of isolation is very very real.

Dena

When i was younger,

i thought doctors don't fault

and that monks don't litter. In fact,

i thought teachers were always right and honest and good and kind.

when i was younger, i thought emotions do not help

and like thieves-have to tip-toe around.

Now that i am older, i am my own unfathomable human error;

and so head down, palms on my knees, i think and think: why won’t plants talk?

My personal entries here will be truthful and i want to write down these things before i forget; it will not be exaggerated or downplayed and will serve as a purpose for me to remember my time abroad because i do not want my time away to feel like a dream- only to be eventually forgotten or remembered by me only.

I am however, afraid that people will read and judge and know when i am feeling sad or happy and my life would become a spectacle; easy for people to  comment on, whenever they want to. 

I figured it could be accessible to everyone but only relatable to friends only. Anyway, i am accountable to myself to lead (a living still) life.

you’ll grow up and learn that people never speak the absolute truth like they claim to. You know the bible?Well yeah, they’ll tell you it is a grey area too, open to interpretation they say, just act accordingly (to situations). 

Next, they’ll suggest that their words are too unkind for the world for them to speak the truth. (maybe their thoughts are?) 

The problem is here: every time she speaks, you have to guess what she is saying!  It’s unsettling! Just like getting a subjectless email nearing the end of a long work day.