It took me about a month of waking up without Vanessa sleeping beside me for me to get used to my new reality. I still missed her but I was slowly getting over her. With work and hanging out with my homeboys, I didn’t think about her much. The only times I thought about her were when nothing else was on my mind. I met girls on Instagram and Snapchat but I left it all on there without meeting up with them in person. My heart still hurt too much to dive into another situation with another girl. And I was afraid of getting attached and ending up in a rebound situation, so I didn’t even do any random hookups. I was single and not looking. Well, at least I thought.
“Sir, your name is not on the list,” I repeated for the fifth time to this tall Jamaican dude trying to get into the club. “You need to step back or leave the premises.”
“Man, fuck you,” he shouted at me while backing up. “You better not let me catch you on these streets, mothafucka!”
I absolutely hated working security for nightclubs. Banks and other businesses were cool and easy jobs to do, but nightclubs were the absolute worst. Because of my height, weight and former boxing background, I was always in high demand for security jobs. Every now and then I did construction but my main income source was working in security. That night, I was working security for this gay nightclub called Club Flamez. I’d never worked security there before but it wasn’t in a particularly bad area, so I was more relaxed than I normally would be while on the job. And they let me dress casual so I was definitely cool with that.
“Hey papi,” said this short and feminine brown skinned dude. “Damn, security don’t ever look this sexy here.” He looked me up and down.
I smiled and told him, “Thank you. What’s your name? Your name gotta be on the list to get in here tonight. It’s an exclusive party.”
I found his name on the list and then opened the door for him and told him, “Have a nice time.”
“Mmm, thank you, papi.” He gave me another look before entering the club.
As you can see, I was far from being homophobic. I wasn’t one to turn down compliments from anyone. Out of all my homeboys, I was easily the most open-minded. Growing up in Bushwick neighborhood of Brooklyn was a mix of good and bad experiences. Every experience I’d been in shaped me into the man I became. I was far from perfect and sometimes I did or said dumb shit—like when I called Vanessa’s homegirls dykes—but I generally felt no hate for anyone. My family was addicted to Catholicism, but I was never that into religion. I attended Mass and everything else my mama made me do, but it had no effect on how I treated people or what I believed was right or wrong.
My shift ended at midnight and when the replacement door guard showed up, I entered the club to get my stuff from the security office. I was about to leave but I heard the DJ put on Maxwell’s “Dacewitme.” I couldn’t even put up a front, that song brought back childhood memories for me. My aunts used to throw these big block parties in our neighborhood and they played that song at least five times at each party. So instead of leaving right away, I decided to get a drink and sit at the bar. Everybody was having a good time. Nobody was starting any bullshit, which was unusual for a nightclub. The mood was actually kinda right up in there.
So after finishing my drink, I had to use the bathroom. I used it and after washing my hands, I stepped out and noticed someone who looked very familiar standing by himself. I didn’t just wanna approach him, but it was bugging the shit out of me why he looked so damn familiar. I made my way over to him and asked loud enough so he could hear, “Yo, where do I know you from?”
He looked directly at me, squinted his eyes a little and then smiled before answering, “Bushwick High Class of 2007. Dominic Lopez, right?”
“That’s right,” I replied with a smile. “Your name is Carlito Colón, right? We had a bunch of classes together.”
“¿Sí, acuerdas de mí con mi cabello largo?”
I laughed while looking at his hair and told him, “Yeah, I remember. And it’s still long.”
“Not like it used to be. Damn, how are you?”
“I’m good. You didn’t notice me when you walked in tonight? I’ve been working the door since around eight-thirty.”
“Nah, I’ve been here since before then. I had to help setup. It’s my friend’s party tonight. He passed the bar exam.”
“Oh, word? So, what you been up to?”
“Working mostly. I just got my master’s degree last year. I’ve been teaching fifth grade English at P.S. 132 over in Williamsburg.”
“I was just living over that way a couple of months ago before I had to move back in with my mama.”
“Dang, looks like neither of us ever left Brooklyn, huh?” He laughed a little. “I see you haven’t changed a bit.”
“Working security for a gay club. I remember back in the day you used to keep the homophobes in check whenever they messed with me or any other gay student. You were one of those guys who tried to make it cool to be nice to everybody. I wish more were like that back then.” He looked away from me for a second before saying, “Well, it was nice seeing you again.”
“Hold up, what time are you leaving?”
“I’m about to head out in a little while. I just gotta get an Uber to swing by here. I have tests to grade before Monday morning.”
“You stay in Williamsburg?”
“I can give you a ride so you won’t have to waste money on Uber.”
“Really? Nah, I can’t burden you like that. I’m sure you’re ready to go home and you probably only stay a few blocks from here.”
“It’s just sixteen minutes away from here. I drive fast. What street you live on?”
“I’m in the building on the corner of 4th and Hooper.”
“Word? My ex lived a couple of blocks from there. That’s crazy. I never saw you around when I was living over that way.” I laughed and shook my head. “So, you gonna let me give you a ride or not?”
He smiled and answered, “It will save me some money. Okay, I guess.”
“Cool. I’ll be in the security office by the lobby. Stop by there when you’re ready to go.”
As I waited for him in the security office, I thought about the high school days. Carlito remembered me right; I really did take up for dudes like him when idiots tried to bully them for being gay. However, it wasn’t just because I wanted to be nice to everybody. I have no idea how to label it, but I’ve always had a soft spot for dudes that had a little femininity to them. The reason why I could never put a label to how I felt was because I never acted on it. Of course having a fear of being judged played a role in keeping me from acting on it, but now that I was a grown man who had been played by numerous women, maybe it was time to explore my curiosity. Then again, it would be wrong of me to use rejection and my newfound bitterness towards women as a reason to act on my curiosity.
“Damn, you got a nice car,” Carlito said to me as we stepped up to my car parked on the street. “How could you afford a BMW with a security job?”
“I work multiple security jobs,” I told him. “And I do other stuff on the side.”
“Other stuff like what? Drugs?”
“Nah, amigo. Construction and landscaping, cosas como esas.”
“I was about to say. I’m a teacher, can’t be near anything illegal.”
I opened the passenger side door for him and after he climbed in, I closed the door and hurried over to my side. I climbed in and started the car up before saying, “It’s cold as fuck out here tonight.” I turned on the heat and let the car warm up some before pulling away from the curb. “So, you like teaching?”
“I love it. I swear I have the best and most behaved students in the whole school. They really give me no trouble.”
“That’s wassup, son. They lucky to have a teacher like you. If you’re still anything like you were back in the day, I’d definitely let you teach my kids.”
I laughed and quickly replied, “Nah, shorty. I’m just saying if I had them.”
“Which college did you go to?”
“Brooklyn College for undergrad, and then I studied at NYU for my master’s. So I was back and forth across the Williamsburg and Brooklyn bridges for a minute for classes and work. I’m glad that’s over now.”
“Well, you know my grades in high school weren’t worth shit so college was outta the question for me.”
“Your grades weren’t that bad from what I can remember. You had a C+ in pre-cal junior year.”
“Yes. I also remember you and Mrs. Frasier always getting into it because you rarely did your homework in biology.”
“Man, she used to always ride my ass about that damn homework. Remember that day I got mad and flipped my desk over?”
He burst out laughing and asked, “How could I forget? You got suspended for that. I actually missed you for that week you were kicked out of school.”
I glanced over at him and asked, “For real?”
“Yeah. Juan and his boys fucked with me that whole week because they knew you wasn’t around to keep them back. They stole my lunch and threw my books in trash cans around the school building. They didn’t beat me up or anything like that though.”
“Damn, shorty I ain’t know that happened. I’m sorry.”
“It’s all good. That was so long ago.”
“I never understood why dudes trip over somebody being gay. If you trippin’ then that means you got something to hide.”
“Juan probably like sucking dick or something and couldn’t handle it.” I laughed and he laughed, too. “But on the real, I’m sorry I wasn’t around and they fucked with you like that.” We made it to his building and I parked in front of it.
“Thank you so much, Dominic. I really appreciate it.”
“No problem. You want me to walk you in?”
“No, I can take it from here.” He was about to open the door but I stopped him.
“Hey, what are you gonna be doing tomorrow?”
“Probably still grading tests and going over my lessons for next week. Why?”
“I was thinking maybe we could grab a bite to eat or some coffee. We can talk and catch up.”
He looked at me and giggled before asking, “Can my boyfriend come?”
I looked at him seriously and asked, “Boyfriend? Damn, I guess ol’ dude can come but…”
He laughed and admitted, “I’m just fucking with you, Dominic. I don’t have a boyfriend. And I’ll have some free time in the afternoon. There’s a sandwich shop across the street that has the best soup in Brooklyn.” He pointed over to the building.
“Okay, I’ll meet you there tomorrow then. Is three o’clock good for you?”
“Cool, I’ll see you tomorrow then.” I watched him as he climbed out and headed into his building. As I drove away from his building, I decided in my head that I was going to give this a chance. I owed it to myself to at least give it a real chance.
“Prom was crazy,” Carlito said before finishing his hot chocolate. “You really missed out on a fun night.”
“Yeah, Hector told me all about it,” I told him.
“You’re still cool with Hector?”
“Yeah, that’s my right-hand.”
“Wow, I haven’t seen him in forever.”
“He owns a barbershop in Bushwick.”
“Yep. I go there every week to get a cut.”
“I remember you and him used to be like brothers back in the day. He picked on me like one time in ninth grade and you got on him and after that, he was cool with me just like you.”
“He’s still a cool dude. I should’ve learned how to cut hair so I could’ve helped him open his shop. I’d have more money in my bank account by now.”
“You drive a BMW so I’m sure your bank account is doing alright.”
“It’s alright, but it could be better.” I finished my sandwich and admitted, “You were right. This place is decent. I used to pass it all the time when I stayed in this neighborhood but I never stopped in here.”
“How long were you living here?”
“A little over two years.”
“Damn, it’s crazy that we never ran into each other.”
“I know, right? I really didn’t go out much though, so that may be why. I was a homebody while I was with Vanessa.”
His eyes lit up and he asked, “Vanessa? Vanessa Rodriguez?”
“I don’t know her like that but she knows my cousin Olivia. Olivia does her hair sometimes. Mmm, look at you. Vanessa is a hottie. I’m sure there were quite a few dudes giving you trouble and trying to hook up with her while y’all were together.”
“Yeah, she was sexy and all that. But she cheated on me so I’m not really on good terms with her anymore. I’ve actually been avoiding coming through here because of that.”
“Aw, I’m sorry. Had I known I would’ve suggested hanging out somewhere else.” He stared into my eyes and asked, “How serious were y’all?”
“Very serious. We moved in together and everything. I was in love with her but she ain’t love me.”
“Aw, Dom. I am so sorry.”
“I’m over it now. I haven’t been on any dates until now though.”
“Date?” He giggled and playfully hit my arm and said, “Boy, this ain’t a date. This is just two old friends catching up. You don’t have to worry about somebody getting the wrong idea about you or anything like that. I’d happily set them straight by making sure they know you’re straight.”
Hearing him say that struck a nerve in me and I found myself asking him, “Why can’t this be considered a date? How come as soon as a guy wants to try something different, he automatically gets put into a box? Damn, I hate how judgmental people are nowadays.”
“Whoa, did I say something wrong? I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“It’s not you. I just…” I took a deep breath and admitted, “Carlito, I’m not gay because I’ve never done anything with another man but I can honestly say I have thought about it. Maybe it’s the reason why I can never make it work with a woman. I thought Vanessa was the one but when I learned she was cheating on me with a woman, it confused the fuck out of me.”
“She cheated on you with a woman?”
“You gotta promise not tell anyone that? She doesn’t want it getting out.”
“I won’t tell anyone. So, she’s like bisexual or something?”
“Nah, she’s a lesbian. Our whole relationship was pretty much a lie. And I understand I’m supposed to be a man about it and move on but I had feelings for that woman. She broke my heart but like I said, she confused the fuck out of me at the same time.”
“She’s a lesbian and had never been with another man before in her life. How could someone who isn’t really attracted to men have sex with one for over two years?”
“Sexuality is a spectrum, Dominic. You have the physical and the mental. Anatomically, you both have the body parts needed to have sex. With the right amount of attraction and arousal, anyone can have sex with anyone. Your mentality is a whole other thing. It is very possible that it was easy as hell for her to have sex with you physically, but mentally she could’ve been picturing the woman of her dreams pleasuring her with a sex toy or something.”
“Wow, that makes me feel worse.”
“I’m sorry and I don’t mean to make you feel bad, but it’s not always easy for people to come to terms with who they are. Vanessa is Boricua, right?”
“And she has a big family like yours, doesn’t she?”
“I bet church and her family was a big reason in why she did what she did to you. It doesn’t excuse what she did, but it puts it into perspective. Two women isn’t as bad as two men in our culture, but a woman who is an actual lesbian and rejects the advances of men snowballs into a big problem real fast.”
“I get all that but she could’ve told me from jump what the deal was. She’s so sexy I probably would’ve went along with it.”
“Would you have? I remember back in high school you were the epitome of boyfriend material. I honestly can’t see you going along with a situation where you only serve as a part-time boyfriend to a lesbian.”
“Be that as it may, she should’ve been honest with me. All the women I’ve been with over my life should’ve just told me what they wanted and maybe I could’ve been perfect for them.”
“There’s no such thing as perfect, Dom. But the way you described yourself sounds damn near close to it.”
“Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a man who actually enjoys sharing his time and space with someone he really cares about? It’s extremely hard for women and men like me.”
“What women are you talking about? The women I’ve been with didn’t appreciate me sharing my time and space with them.”
“Sorry not sorry, but those bitches are crazy. True, it probably can get suffocating every now and then but I wouldn’t know because guys on Jack’d rarely want a relationship.”
I laughed and asked, “When was your last relationship?”
“I was still in undergrad.”
“Tell me about it. And he was only sticking around in my life because the sex was good. We rarely spent time doing anything other than having sex.” He rolled his eyes and asked me, “Do you really consider this as a date?”
“Yeah, I do. I wish I had kept in touch with you after high school. It’s crazy how we’ve both been in Brooklyn all this time and have managed to not see each other for what, ten years? It ain’t like Bushwick and Williamsburg are neighborhoods in different boroughs or some shit. I lived in this neighborhood for over two years and never once saw you.”
“It is crazy, but that’s how it is sometimes. And I guess there’s no harm in considering this a date. However, I don’t want to be some project for you to discover yourself. If that’s what this is…”
“That ain’t what this is, shorty. I promise. I don’t know if I’m bisexual or whatever label you wanna throw at me, but I do know I’m tired of being disrespected. I’m tired of being unappreciated. I’m just so damn tired of trying to force some good into bad situations. I wanna allow something natural to build and see where it takes me. And that’s why I wanna date you.” I smiled before asking, “Asi que, ¿quieres salir conmigo?”
He blushed and giggled before replying, “Sí, me saldré contigo.”
“Alright then, it’s settled.” I pulled my iPhone from my pocket, unlocked it and slid it to him. “Put your number in there so I can text you and we can work out a second and more concentrated date.”
“Okay.” He programmed his number into my phone before handing it back to me. “I can’t believe I’m going to be dating Dominic Lopez.” He laughed a little and ran his hand through his curly hair.
“Believe it, shorty. Believe it.” I smiled big as I pulled out my wallet to pay for our meal.
In that moment, I honestly didn’t give a shit anymore what other people would think about me. After thinking about what Carlito had said to me that day about sexuality being a spectrum, I realized that I’d been limiting myself and it was my biggest problem. Maybe I just wasn’t supposed to be with a woman or maybe I just hadn’t found the right woman. Either way, I owed it to Carlito to get my shit together and prove to him that we could start something special if we both wanted it. Is it a crime to recognize a possible solution to your problems, even when it’s involving your sexuality? Is it a crime to want something better for yourself? I had no idea then, but I’d truly began a whole new period in my life that day. And like everything else, it would come with its ups and downs.
[Disclaimer]: Pictures used do not reflect the sexuality or personality of people in the pictures. They only serve as visual examples of the characters.
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