Sheldon Quotes

Leonard

And when we go in there, let’s show Raj that we’re happy for him.

Sheldon

But I’m not.

Howard

Well then fake it.  Look at me.  I could be grinding on the fact that without my stabilizing telescope mount, he never would have found that stupid little clump of cosmic schmutz, but I’m bigger than that.

Sheldon

Fine.  What do you want me to do?

Leonard

Smile.

Howard

Oh crap, that’s terrifying.

Leonard

Sheldon

Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch enemy.

Penny

Your arch enemy?

Sheldon

Yes.  The Doctor Doom to my Mr. Fantastic.  The Doctor Octopus to my Spider-Man.  The Doctor Sivana to my Captain Marvel.

Penny

Okay, I get it.  I get it. I get it.

Sheldon

Sheldon

That poster of Halle Berry’s a little unnerving.

Howard

So don’t look at it.

Sheldon

She’s like my fourth favorite Catwoman.

Howard

No kidding?

Sheldon

Yeah.  Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt and then her.

Howard

What about Lee Meriwether?

Sheldon

Oh, I forgot about Lee Meriwether.

Howard

Well I’m glad that’s settled.

Sheldon

That makes Halle Berry my fifth favorite Catwoman.  There’s Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether…

Howard

Please, I’m begging you, go to sleep.

Sheldon

Penny

The thing I wanted to talk to you about is, you know, since Leonard and I have become friends, I was just… want to sit down?

Sheldon

Oh, I wish it were that simple.  You see, I don’t spend much time here and so I’ve never really chosen a place to sit.

Penny

Well, choose.

Sheldon

There are a number of options and.. I’m really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, air flow patterns and dispersion of sunlight to make an informed choice.

Penny

Alright.  Why don’t you just pick one at random, and then if you don’t like it, you can sit somewhere else next time.

Sheldon

Leonard

She was mad at him.  She was done with him.  The relationship was broken beyond repair and I walked over there and I fixed it!

Howard

Boy, that story gets better every time you hear it.

Sheldon

Sheldon

Oops.

Missy

Shelly.  Can I speak to you for a minute?  Alone?

Sheldon

Sheldon

Residing within you is the potential for another me.  Perhaps even taller, smarter and less prone to freckling.  A Sheldon 2.0, if you will.

Missy

Sheldon 2.0?

Sheldon

Exactly.  Now, I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with.  If you’re not attracted to the suitor, then the likelihood of conception would be reduced.

Missy

You have got to be kidding me!

Sheldon

Not at all.  Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertilization.

Missy

Okay Shelly.  Sit down. Now, I’ve lived my whole life dealing with the fact that my twin brother is, as Mom puts it, “one of God’s special little people.”

Sheldon

I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird.  You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds.  Of course, the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death.  Luckily for you, that’s where the metaphor ended.

Missy

Sheldon

It worked. It really worked. They said I was mad, but it worked.  Oh no, not Morlocks! Not flesh-eating Morlocks! Heeeeeeeelp!

[Sheldon wakes up]

Leonard

Sheldon, are you okay?

Sheldon

We have to get rid of the time machine.

Leonard

It is a little big for the living room, isn’t it?

Sheldon

Sheldon

Slow down.  Slow down.  Please slow down.

Penny

We’re fine.

Sheldon

Look.  You’re not leaving yourself enough space between cars.

Penny

Oh, sure I am.

Sheldon

No, no.  Let me do the math for you.  This car weighs let’s say 4,000 pounds.  Now add say, 140 for me, 120 for you.

Penny

120?

Sheldon

Oh, I’m sorry.  Did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?

Penny

Well, yeah.

Sheldon

Interesting.  Anyway.  That gives us a total weight of, let’s say, 4,400 pounds.

Penny

Let’s say 4,390.

Sheldon

Howard

Sheldon.  If you were a robot, and I knew and you didn’t, would you want me to tell you?

Sheldon

That depends.  When I learn that I’m a robot, will I be able to handle it?

Howard

Maybe.  Although, the history of science fiction is not on your side.

Sheldon

Uh, let me ask you this. When I learn that I’m a robot, would I be bound by Asimov’s three laws of robotics?

Raj

You might be bound by them right now.

Howard

That’s true.  Have you ever harmed a human being or through inaction allowed a human being to come to harm?

Sheldon

Of course not.

Howard

Have you ever harmed yourself, or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would have been endangered?

Sheldon

Well, no.

Howard

Sheldon

Great Caesar’s ghost.  Look at this place.

Leonard

So Penny’s a little messy.

Sheldon

Penny

What kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?

Sheldon

Depending on the depth, that’s either a Proctologist or a General Surgeon.

[Leonard holds up a sign that reads "Sarcasm"]