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Leonard
And when we go in there, letās show Raj that weāre happy for him.
Sheldon
But Iām not.
Howard
Well then fake it.Ā Look at me.Ā I could be grinding on the fact that without my stabilizing telescope mount, he never would have found that stupid little clump of cosmic schmutz, but Iām bigger than that.
Sheldon
Fine.Ā What do you want me to do?
Leonard
Smile.
Howard
Oh crap, thatās terrifying.
Leonard
Weāre here to see Koothrappali.Ā Not kill Batman.
Pendon?Ā Shelny?Ā
Sheldon
Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch enemy.
Penny
Your arch enemy?
Sheldon
Yes.Ā The Doctor Doom to my Mr. Fantastic.Ā The Doctor Octopus to my Spider-Man.Ā The Doctor Sivana to my Captain Marvel.
Penny
Okay, I get it.Ā I get it. I get it.
Sheldon
Do you know -Ā Itās amazing how many super villains have advanced degrees.Ā Graduate school should probably do a better job of screening those people out.
"Oh Mario. If only I could control everyone the way I control you.Ā Hop, you little plumber!Ā Hop, hop, hop!"

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Sheldon
That poster of Halle Berryās a little unnerving.
Howard
So donāt look at it.
Sheldon
Sheās like my fourth favorite Catwoman.
Howard
No kidding?
Sheldon
Yeah.Ā Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt and then her.
Howard
What about Lee Meriwether?
Sheldon
Oh, I forgot about Lee Meriwether.
Howard
Well Iām glad thatās settled.
Sheldon
That makes Halle Berry my fifth favorite Catwoman.Ā Thereās Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwetherā¦
Howard
Please, Iām begging you, go to sleep.
Sheldon
Iām trying.Ā Iām counting Catwomen.
"Iām Batman. Shhhhh!"
Penny
The thing I wanted to talk to you about is, you know, since Leonard and I have become friends, I was just⦠want to sit down?
Sheldon
Oh, I wish it were that simple.Ā You see, I donāt spend much time here and so Iāve never really chosen a place to sit.
Penny
Well, choose.
Sheldon
There are a number of options and.. Iām really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, air flow patterns and dispersion of sunlight to make an informed choice.
Penny
Alright.Ā Why donāt you just pick one at random, and then if you donāt like it, you can sit somewhere else next time.
Sheldon
No, no.Ā Thatās crazy.Ā You go ahead and talk while I figure it out.
Leonard
She was mad at him.Ā She was done with him.Ā The relationship was broken beyond repair and I walked over there and I fixed it!
Howard
Boy, that story gets better every time you hear it.
Sheldon
Actually, I thought the first two renditions were far more compelling.Ā Previously, I felt sympathy for the Leonard character.Ā Now I just find him to be whiny and annoying.
Sheldon
Oops.
Missy
Shelly.Ā Can I speak to you for a minute?Ā Alone?
Sheldon
Why does everyone suddenly want to talk to me alone?Ā Usually nobody wants to be alone with me.

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Sheldon
Residing within you is the potential for another me.Ā Perhaps even taller, smarter and less prone to freckling.Ā A Sheldon 2.0, if you will.
Missy
Sheldon 2.0?
Sheldon
Exactly.Ā Now, I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with.Ā If youāre not attracted to the suitor, then the likelihood of conception would be reduced.
Missy
You have got to be kidding me!
Sheldon
Not at all.Ā Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertilization.
Missy
Okay Shelly.Ā Sit down. Now, Iāve lived my whole life dealing with the fact that my twin brother is, as Mom puts it, āone of Godās special little people.ā
Sheldon
I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird.Ā You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds.Ā Of course, the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death.Ā Luckily for you, thatās where the metaphor ended.
Missy
I thought it ended at cuckoo.
Sheldon
It worked. It really worked. They said I was mad, but it worked.Ā Oh no, not Morlocks! Not flesh-eating Morlocks! Heeeeeeeelp!
[Sheldon wakes up]
Leonard
Sheldon, are you okay?
Sheldon
We have to get rid of the time machine.
Leonard
It is a little big for the living room, isnāt it?
Sheldon
Yeah, thatās the problem.Ā Itās too big.
Sheldon
Slow down.Ā Slow down.Ā Please slow down.
Penny
Weāre fine.
Sheldon
Look.Ā Youāre not leaving yourself enough space between cars.
Penny
Oh, sure I am.
Sheldon
No, no.Ā Let me do the math for you.Ā This car weighs letās say 4,000 pounds.Ā Now add say, 140 for me, 120 for you.
Penny
120?
Sheldon
Oh, Iām sorry.Ā Did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self worth?
Penny
Well, yeah.
Sheldon
Interesting.Ā Anyway.Ā That gives us a total weight of, letās say, 4,400 pounds.
Penny
Letās say 4,390.
Sheldon
Fine.Ā Weāre traveling forward at ā Good Lord ā 51 miles an hour.Ā Now letās assume that your brakes are new and the calipers are aligned, still, by the time we come to a stop, weāll be occupying the same space as that Buick in front of us.Ā An impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death, mutilation andā¦Ā Oh look, they built a new putt-putt course.
Howard
Sheldon.Ā If you were a robot, and I knew and you didnāt, would you want me to tell you?
Sheldon
That depends.Ā When I learn that Iām a robot, will I be able to handle it?
Howard
Maybe.Ā Although, the history of science fiction is not on your side.
Sheldon
Uh, let me ask you this. When I learn that Iām a robot, would I be bound by Asimovās three laws of robotics?
Raj
You might be bound by them right now.
Howard
Thatās true.Ā Have you ever harmed a human being or through inaction allowed a human being to come to harm?
Sheldon
Of course not.
Howard
Have you ever harmed yourself, or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would have been endangered?
Sheldon
Well, no.
Howard
I smell robot.
As given and then taken away from Penny, Bernadette and Amy in Season 6 Episode 12 of The Big Bang Theory.

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Sheldon
Great Caesarās ghost.Ā Look at this place.
Leonard
So Pennyās a little messy.
Sheldon
A little messy?Ā The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy.Ā This is chaos!Ā Excuse me.Ā Explain to me an organizational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid.Ā Now, Iām just inferring that this is a couch because the evidence suggests that the coffee table is having a tiny garage sale.
Penny
What kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?
Sheldon
Depending on the depth, thatās either a Proctologist or a General Surgeon.
[Leonard holds up a sign that reads "Sarcasm"]
Oh.