Daily Dose of my mind.

What if it had been different? What if one thing that significantly shaped who I am had not occurred. What if you had never hurt me. What if I didn’t know what pain was. What if I could have peace with who I was instead of blaming myself and seeing nothing but the faulty ideals you made upon me. The simple kind words slipped between your lips rather than the sharp ones that slit through my ears and sunk into my heart. Those painful words that took upon what was vacant in my mind. It settled in and brewed me into the fragile woman I am today. It’s difficult to feel love and I find it much easier to resonate with disappointments and critiques. The cost of restoration for my sanity and to rebuild a foundation of sentimental value for myself has become immense. My faulty self has found comfort in pain and at disbelief when it comes to love and happiness. Instilled with criticism of not being enough, the idea of perfection, and becoming the best or you are worth nothing at all. This battle between myself and my thoughts have become a day-to-day basis. This feeling that creeps into my mind when it has no real occupant, but the objective thought, a distinct memory from you is what still haunts me. This battle I fight feels hopeless because neither I, nor it can win. This constant fight consumes me, drowns me in sadness, and smiles as it leads me to a puddle of depression.

“I’m fine.”

Hard to believe I started this stupid tumblr blog when I was 15. That was almost 8 years ago, holy cow.. and I haven’t done much of what I had hoped for with my life.  A few things that float through my mind lately - just the short version...  (I guess I do these things for myself to look back on)

1 - I cannot believe I’m this bad at math. I’ve probably taken pre-algebra like 4 times by now. I swear, math is the only subject holding me back. I don’t have to try in any of my other classes, but math; math is just so frustrating. I cry literally as soon as I see a problem. It’s bad. I just don’t get it... when will I ever use this shit anyways. 

2 - I have been so stressed out with math I think I developed anxiety. I literally find myself having a hard time breathing when I’m in the class or in generally awkward & uncomfortable situations. I just want finals week to be over.

3 - The doctor diagnosed me with ASD. It’s a heart defect which means I have a literal hole in my heart. All these years I complained about being broken hearted and crying over boys; the irony of having an actual hole in my heart. In disbelief. I tell everyone I’m O-K. I’m fine, but really I’m terrified I’ll end up like my mom. I don’t want to die in surgery. I’m in this offset with myself, should I go through with surgery or not? It’s open heart surgery, I cannot fathom how.. how.. I just can’t. I really don’t want to do it, but I for the people I love and If I want a future .. I have to.  I used to think and was completely settled with the idea that I would die young, but now I’m just not ready. 

4 - I still feel so blessed despite what I’m going through or how bad things may SEEM. I’m lucky to have a roof over my head, good food to enjoy, people that surround me with love, and literally I know my family is watching over me. Every time I’m in desperate need of something, whether it be that I’m down to my last dollar, or I need to focus and get my grades right, it happens. Eventually, something comes my way and it works out. So I know, no matter how bad things might get, something good will come of it. I just know it. & I feel I have to thank whoever is watching over me.