Soulfood #cantgetright

When I’m triggered.... i don’t speak. I don’t know how. How am i supposed to explain my feelings or thoughts when I’ve never been given the space for something healthy like “communicating” to take place? I remember i started to cry on the phone with my parents when i asked to talk to them about having trichotillomania... my dad literally picked up the phone took me off speakerphone and told me to call them when I’m done crying. Another time i told them i was being picked on in school, like a real deal Joey Caruso... and these folks laughed and told me to pray about it. I’ve never been given the space to speak on anything that has bothered me... 27 years.. Spent the last 4 becoming aware and trying to correct the patterns.. I said all of that to say this... I’ve always been a stand up woman about whatever I’ve done. Never shied away from accountability.. never have but y’all gone stop throwing my problems and issues in my face like i don’t look a mirror everyday. Idk how to explain it... but i do know I’m the issue. Everyone’s issue. All i did was follow a dream i had and my own blood brother stopped talking to me... how many more people am i going to lose because i chose to follow my dreams...?

Really tired of the back and forth.. anger puts me at a loss for words. Being yelled at is a trigger. Being talked down to is a trigger. Being treated like i can’t do anything right is a trigger. I am fkn triggered. My entire life is a trigger..... B A N G! Press on tho.

I’m really not enough for anybody.. this has been a very revealing week.. Learned a lot about myself, started last Friday when i spoke to my dad. The blows haven’t stop coming since.

My problems are for me, no one else. I don’t like to put my troubles and burdens on other people..

Try to do everything right and in actuality you’ve gotten nothing right but your first and last name.. oh and how to roll a blunt.

How do you cope with being a disappointment to everyone around you? I’m having a hard time with that..

Today has been one of the worst days of my life..

Really don’t know what’s wrong with me.. i care