A Eulogy

I really have no outlet for my feelings so today is the first time I logged onto Tumblr since last year. I’m not very happy. I’d like to think I am but I’m not. I screamed, “Fuck you” because I don’t like the way he treats me. Like I owe him something, like I’m here to make him happy and he’s here to occasionally do a nice thing for me. Why am I always bending over backwards for him. Why on my days off do I clean our home until its spotless and make sure dinner is prepared when he arrives. But on his days off he can’t feed our cat or clean the litter. When I’m too tired to have sex and he feels like it’s because I’m not attracted to him, I’m suppose to have sex with him regardless because it’s about him and what he wants and I’m suppose to make him feel better. Doesn’t matter if I don’t want to it’s just something I have to do and he “would do it in a heartbeat”. When I wear something slightly revealing (low cut top, short shorts, etc.) that I have owned and worn for many years, many times, I get asked, “You’re gonna wear that”? This is really the opposite reaction I want. His insecurities are too much. I get back handed compliments like, “I’m mad you look like that and I’m not there” or “You look too good, all the guys are gonna hit on you”. It’s really hard to add all of this up and still want to try to make this work. I can’t go on being asked throughout the entire day that I’m not with him, “what are you doing, who are you with, love me you’re not talking much, who are you with, what are you guys up to”. Or any time I’m texting near him: “Who are you texting? What do they want?” I get insecurities are rough but to date 7 months and not get over those with me proving I am not going to cheat, or do something sketchy. And when I don’t reply within 10 minutes it’s because I’m having a good time with my friends and I don’t to bury my head in my phone. He’s loyal and loves me but he doesn’t show it in ways that matter to me. I really don’t know what to do. When we’re in a fight he won’t even fight for me because he feels he’s never in the wrong for any of these things. So if I broke up with him it would be for good. He’s stoic and shows no emotion or care for our relationship. I feel stuck.