The Baddest.

flo: imagine a water birth. that's so hippie.

flo: yeah but you act more like an american than most. i'd take that as a compliment, but i do love your beautiful country hehehe. also, with your birthday coming up tomorrow, i'm trying to teach tom how to cook the best waffles. because you know, you two are going to be up super early with that cute baby of yours.

shay: i think i'm too LA for that

flo: why don't you get induced? is that bad for the baby?

flo: pop tarts... aw you silly american. what are you talking about? tom is alright! i like him.

shay: way ahead of you, i told my mom and she's in new york, gonna use a Garcia family birth inducing secret.

“i wouldn’t worry about it, darling. it’s still nice of her to cook for us. and yep, my mind is still on the food. how much ass kissing do we have to do so she could cook us like spaghetti or something? like a real italian dish? i’m starving! oh no, not deuxmoi! do you really look at her posts? her minions talk so much shit about our relationship. our messages being leaked was very scary, like how the hell did that happen? okay, if we go to the concert, who’s going to babysit our baby?!?! we can’t just trust anybody.”

“you’re right, but this week is about me, sorry––i’m gonna have to be selfish, but i’m not worried about their drama right now, you can be shay this week and listen to them and be encouraging and give advice if they ask. well, she likes you now, so you can ask––is my pasta not as good? i’ve been cooking so much this past month, hmm...oh, i’m not interested in the gossip, i was looking for florence and i knew where zendaya was, she’d be there too and i know they’d be seen and they were. i already called our parents and booked their place to stay for next week, my mom’s already here, though, she’s gonna do these birth inducing massages, i guess? i told her that the baby doesn’t wanna come out.”

“at least the jam tarts are splendid. florence and zendaya should fight all the time so we can get free food out of it. oh shit — you’re right! you’re onto something here, detective sherlock. how do you like your popcorn again? buttery?”

“i know flo, when she’s in a relationship with someone she loves, she falls off the face of the earth, if she comes back––well, you’ve seen the dollface pilot. not to mention, zendaya’s the same way because i haven’t heard from her in months––i think i barely had a stomach last time we spoke. i even found out through deux moi that she was filming in boston. usually i like it buttery, but i’ve been wanting kettle corn––i don’t wanna eat, i want this kid out! i forgot to tell you, though, jungkook sent tickets to his show, we’re probably gonna make it to the new york one in the summer since it’ll be in jersey...”

flo: when is the baby officially due again?

flo: jam tarts are just tarts that are filled with jelly. are you saying your brit boyfriend hasn't forced you to eat any british foods? what the fuck, thomas.

shay: officially two days ago.

“you know i love you and your friend, but… something is up. she’s being way too nice.” @shayshcy·

“i was just thinking that because she was talking about pop tarts and like 'tell tom...' like, since when? honestly, how much do you bet––if something actually is actually happening, that zendaya’s gonna be nice to you too, the same way flo is now all about the two of us and this baby. watch this baby be the reason they come to us. let’s bet night diaper changes for the next month that they’re fighting.”