Embrace your weird

My thoughts are swirling with anticipation of our first meet. We both want this. We both need this. I'm scared, nervous, and timid. Our conversations have been great but will the chemistry continue to hands on?

You know where I live and we're working on setting a date. Then there's a knock at the door. I answer, my face drops and blood goes cold. You step through the doorway with a grin, locking the door behind you. I step back in shock.

With one hand grabbing my arm and the other hand around my throat you kiss me fiercely. "You're going to learn what happens when you tease the Wolf, little girl." Gripping my wrists tightly above my head you pin me against the wall. Hungry kisses from lips to neck, across my shoulders and back again.

With one hand you continue to pin my wrists. With the other you explore my breasts, down my side, across my thigh, then slipping under my dress. Your thick fingers greedily slipping into my fold. "Very good girl," You growl as you lick my juices from your tips. I can barely breathe as my heart races.

Your eyes never leave me, studying every reaction. You drop my arms and with commanding strength against my shoulders you guide me downward to my knees. With one hand on the top of my head you undo your pants with the other. "Now worship your Lord, sweet girl."

Something inside me tilts. Everything else fades away and it's just us. You keep your hands on me but you're not guiding or forcing. You're waiting for my move. I nuzzle against your mound and kiss the base of your shaft. Long, slow kisses against your already throbbing cock. I place my hands around your thighs, pulling you close. I take your head into my mouth, swirling my tongue around you, savoring your precum. I let out a gentle moan. The first sound since the gasp of seeing you at my door. Then you let out a grunt and you're suddenly down my throat. Over and over I take you in. You're about to burst but you pull out quickly. Grabbing a fist full of hair you tilt my head back and release across my face.

When you're lying there in the darkness, lonely and alone, and you crave that sweet voice on the other end of the phone. Will you do anything to keep her talking?

Will you get lost in the tones of your siren? Giggles that give you goosebumps? Sighs that make you shudder? Talking about randomness till dawn? Marveling at the joy you hear as she rambles about various passions?

Will you think about those that came before you? Those that barely even noticed her at all? How she repeatedly apologizes for rambling and boring you. How her thoughts trail off into tender topics but she quickly tries to change the subject. How her voice cracks when she says, "sorry" so softly that she almost breaks.

I crave connection. I start to become hopeful. I put myself out there.

Then I get scared.

Scared of being rejected. Afraid of being used. Fearful of being abandoned.

Again.

Of being too much. Of being not enough.

But I know it's worth the risk. Worth the pain. Worth the fear.

Because if it's not, then what are we living for? We naturally gravitate towards others that may be our missing piece.

Putting yourself out there in the dating world, vanilla or kinky, can be a challenge. There is the fear of rejection, possible dangerous situations, judgements, and heartbreak. We continue this battle because we crave connection, from those fleeting trysts to something ever lasting. Our hearts, heads, and holes overpower that self-preservation instinct and reach for another being.

We have to be honest with ourselves and others about expectations and aspirations. Communication is paramount. If that fails then so will everything else. We need to take the time to do soul searching.

"What do I need?"

"What do I have to give?"

"What if things change?"

We are human and ever evolving. Of course our relationships will evolve, or devolve, in the same breath. That's why honesty and trust are so vital; again within ourselves and others.

I've been a big girl my whole life. When I graduated high school in 1997 I was 250 lbs. That summer I dropped 60 lbs. I was so proud of myself. I had posted a picture to my Yahoo dating profile and was told I didn't need a boyfriend; I needed Jenny Craig. This was my introduction to cyber bullying.

My weight fluctuated over the years but 2 kids and a divorce later I gave up. In August 2021 I realized I hit my max weight of 416 lbs. I was devastated and my health was suffering. I was finally ready to lose weight to be healthy and NOT to be skinny. Something finally clicked.

One step at a time. One rep at a time. I had to have patience, discipline, and give myself lots of grace. I lost 100 lbs; then gained back 40. I got back to that 100 lb mark a few months ago and I've been hovering there since. The same old thing wasn't working anymore.

I had to rethink my diet and activity. There's always been a lot of shame no matter what I put in my mouth so the thought of tracking calories felt like more shame. I hated gyms because any time I'm in public I get "those looks". I just wanted to become invisible.

The only way to achieve change is to step outside of that comfort zone. I started tracking calories and joined a different type of gym that only did group classes. This was the structure I've been needing.

I posted a video to IG sharing my joy of being able to complete a 45 minute kickboxing class. Cyber bullies quickly attacked and the video went viral for all the wrong reasons. How dare I be confident and happy, right?

I thought I was prepared for this. It was expected. But it still hurt. I've done a LOT of shadow work over the years and had learned to love myself again. If I hadn't worked on my confidence, value, and worth it could have been devastating to my mental health and my recovery. I'm still standing and sober.

My body does not define my value. I am a loving, caring being. I'm smart, loyal, determined, creative, passionate, and playful. There's so much more to me than just being fat, toothless, and hairy. Those that matter will see that too. Those that can't will never be happy no matter what I do.

It's difficult to escape the confinements of my mind. Swirling thoughts, various scenarios, battles of arguments, and an explosion of emotions.

Drifting.

Overwhelmed.

Overstimulated.

I struggle to focus. Calm moments can be elusive. I need structure and stability. Safety and security.

I need you.

In your presence I find peace. Your voice is home. Your touch is a reprieve.

There's a different type of intimacy found with you. Something that has been lacking everywhere else.

For me to open up to someone, even an online format, is a big thing and people don't realize it. After everything I've faced over the years I literally had to shut everyone out. Or else I was going to burn so many bridges.

I hate people. I hate the noncommittal "how are you doing?" because no matter what is said, they don't listen. I hate the cyber hugs. Yes, it's an acknowledgement, but nothing more than a pat on the head.

I would get so furious with these damned social responses. I would be on the verge of hulking the fuck out and telling them exactly where to stick that "everything happens for a reason" malarkey.

I get it. People didn't know how to respond to me. I had to accept their intention was well. Eventually, I stopped sharing. I stopped reaching out. And the hardest thing was no one was reaching back. I get that too. It's hard to comfort a kitty when she's hissing.

I don't know how to reach out. I feel like a burden when I try to reach out to someone. Can we talk? Wanna do lunch? Shopping, coffee, movie? Something that should be so cut and dry is a nightmare. Sometimes we need someone to just listen-not fix. Other times we just need their presence so we don't feel so alone on those difficult days.

Fear is such a powerfully fluid creature. It takes on various forms; evolving, elusive, resilient. For years I let it navigate my choices. I had dug a trench so deep I couldn't see any hope of a way out.

And then I hit that wall and decided I couldn't take any more.

I was still afraid as I packed my things to start living out of my van. I was afraid when I quit my job with no plan. I was afraid when there were nights I didn't have funds for food or gas, when it was 10°F, and when it was 110°F. I was scared when I faced pneumonia and broken ribs with no insurance.

For him to wake in the middle of the night and need to hear my voice, to wrap his arms around me. For him to see something and it reminds him of me. For him to crave connection over climax. For us both to bond beyond bodily fluids.

For game nights and bonfires to be just as enjoyable as a night home together. For home cooked meals to be appreciated and cherished but not expected.

Even with her light in flux her power does not wane

Water bows to her mighty pull

Creatures howl when she is full

A lovely goddess she shall ever be

All shall ache for her grace and be set free

Waxing, waning, and full makes three

Let us not forget the darkness must also be

Amazing grace and steady aim

Many a heart she has laid claim

Selene, Selene how sweet your embrace

Each night you abide yet leave no trace

Whether by nightly sky or blue of day

We watch you grace the heavens without delay

Our starry Queen, much love to you

And through this ode shall forever be true

For whichever phase you are so graciously

Comfort and healing can be found in companionship but you must be brave enough to embrace it. Terrifying as it may be especially for one that's used to going it alone.

I'm working on rekindling and strengthening my friendships. Know that I had to shut out and shut down while in survival mode. Yet, I still valued what we had and hope to rebuild that.

Gates kept guarded and weeded

Not all who wander close need blocked

Such a shame to keep a loving heart locked

Boundaries are vital, yet they can also hinder

To be closed off too much can make you blinder

Open your heart and let in the light

Let your soul be at rest, not everything is a fight

Your space is yours, but it can be shared

It's important to let others in that cared

To be guarded is natural but use caution with how far you roam