Shawn Ellefson

Sometimes… I forget what a great writer you are, especially when it means tugging on someone’s heartstrings. Yes, Shawn. Yes. I want to give this a chance, too. But if we’re going to make this work, and I need this to work… The drinking, the drugs, it has to stop. No matter what I feel for you, for your own good and for us, I need you to stop. Can you do that?

...I can't promise you perfection Nat. But I can promise you that I will do everything in my power to be better. For you. And..I guess for me too. 

  That’s… That’s very romantic. But, you want to be with me? Are you positively sure that’s a good idea? I know that, on the outside, I’m drop dead gorgeous and insanely talented. But on the inside, I’m a mess; neurotic, self-centered, ambitious control freak who doesn’t know how to have fun. And to top it all off, I’m not good at relationships. In fact, my track record shows that everything took a backseat to my career. Are you—Just, are you sure that you want to be with me, knowing that? And knowing how different you and I are? Knowing that you and I are completely opposites?

Do you honestly think I didn't consider that? Please Natalie, I know how egocentric and self absorbed you are. I know that your career will always come before me. And I know beyond all else that our chance of success is about one in a million. But see the thing is Natalie, I don't care. I know all of your flaws and I like you not despite them, but because of them. You are the one and only person I have a shot of being happy with and I don't want to let that chance slide. Because our chance of success may be one in a million, but to me you are the only one in the the world. 

Witty, I didn’t know sobriety suddenly made you a key-note conversationalist. A shot… With me? Because you and I are… Feel free to finish my sentence here.

Technically I can't finish your sentence. By adding a word I would be starting my own, not finishing yours. But what we are depends on you. I want to be with you. I've decided that much. Thus the soul crushing attempt at sobriety.  You really think I would be trying this if I didn't want to be with you?  Ha, no. See, the way I see it, you're the only thing that makes me feel like I don't need to drink to get through the day. I figured I had to make a choice; you or the booze..... and I chose you. But if I made the wrong choice then please feel free to tell me now so that I don't have to endure this horrible craving for alcohol anymore.

  Trying to behave? That’s a new development—I like it. Did you… Did you stop drinking completely?

No Nat, I only stopped drinking alcohol. I need to drink liquids to survive, otherwise I'll go through this thing they call dehydration.. But where alcohol is concerned yes, I've given it up completely. It sucks, but not nearly as much as the alternative of knowing I don't deserve you. At least this way, clean and sober I have shot.... God..I wish I could have a shot right now.

  Anything I can do to help take the edge off?

There's nothing you can do here. Hahaha.  But you  can sit down and keep me company so that I don't punch anyone's face in. I'm trying to "behave"

  Somewhat startled by his sudden movements, Natalie follows wordlessly in suit. Anywhere reasonably private would do for her at this point, so long as she had him. It was a dangerous thing, desire. It is the only thing that can make you disregard all logic and sanity. In many ways, they were alike; musically inclined, driven yet lonely souls. Together, they made beautiful music. Music that could melt even the coldest of souls. But would that be enough? Natalie, being the neurotic, type-A personality that she is, often looked at every example provided to her. Would that be enough for them to sustain whatever they had, beyond friendship and what was beginning to form? The question disappears from her mine when he begins climbing the ladder, as if challenging her to disregard all sanity (and safety, given that they were walking up a random fire escape) for a crime of passion. With a coy smirk, Natalie extends her arms and follows behind him. “I want this now—I could care less where it was,” that was always the beauty of being such a blunt human being, she never feared letting her desires known. Upon reaching the rooftop, she feels New York city become silent. Maybe it was the distance from the ground, or that they were together. But it’s silent apart from the music dancing between them—and she knows that this was the start of something.

As the two young musicians, who had been thrust into emotions they had not been looking for, reached the top of the building, Shawn took a moment to absorb the sight: Thousands of buildings, lit up against the night sky, could be seen stretching high above the ground for miles. As Shawn looked out at the city he had come to with the hopes of getting a record deal, and remembered the success and the fan base that he had left behind in San Francisco, he realized for the first time that it felt worthwhile. It was true that he hadn't yet found the success he had been so sure would be his once he came to New York, but  he had found something, that was in a lot of ways, a million times better. He had never let himself fall in love with anyone before, but as he gazed upon the city that never sleeps, and then returned his gaze to the girl who he shared the rooftop with, he felt like even if the record deal never came, coming to New York had been the best choice he had ever made. 

One of the bartenders at the club apparently thought it would be a good idea to drink themselves under the table on my dime….Useless humans, I swear.

The world is full of idiots. And typically they get worse under the influence of alcohol. Speaking as a guy who has been the idiot more times than I can possibly remember, I would know.  

  His warm lips moving along hers felt infinitely better than Natalie ever anticipated a kiss to feel. There were little to no barriers between them. They were both raw, open; quite a feat for two people supposedly “passionate” yet so deep into their own shells. His body is warm against hers, causing a tingling sensation to run through her body. Perhaps if her emotions didn’t swallow Natalie whole, she could comprehend the true weight of her actions. This man, Shawn Ellefson, wasn’t someone she should be involved with. Both her mothers would have a fit to find out that Natalie was involved in a man like this; non-Ivy League, white collar professional with a clean record sans drugs, alcohol abuse, and more. He was, by the very definition, a bad boy. But how could someone that made her feel so whole, who understand passion and music with the same fervor she did, be so bad? They had something; fire. It was a burning attraction with affection that drew them in. As he pulls away, she feels light headed. Her lips still tingle, recalling his against hers, and her body still shook with unyielding desire. Shawn’s light eyes seem so much lighter under the dark ambiance of the bar, striking Natalie’s attention and sending a jolt of energy down her spine. “You better not be,” Natalie returns bitingly, her voice raspy and light with a teasing smile on her face. By no means did Natalie share his experiences with bedding women. Yes, Natalie had her fair share of both men and women behind closed doors. Never one for relationships (but open to her desires), it was unsurprising that Natalie had an intriguing list. But something about Shawn; perhaps the way he treated her with such care and adoration, made her feel safe. With him… She was one in a million.

For the first time in his memory, Shawn was ignoring his demons, without the use of drugs or alcohol. Instead, it was Natalie, the first person he had ever truly and deeply cared about, that made them go away. As they kissed passionately, Shawn felt truly alive. He felt open and real. With Natalie, there was no need for the barriers or defense mechanisms. The walls he had erected to protect himself came crashing down around him as they embraced, and even if he could only ever be this real with her, that was far more than he ever thought he would be able to be with anyone. As the two of them held each other tight in their embrace, Shawn could feel two types of desire; one highly familiar to him, the other completely foreign. He had felt the sexual desire before, even if it was never to the level he was feeling now. But the desire to be with Natalie, to have a meaningful relationship, and to be emotionally involved with her, was something he had never felt for any other girl before.

When people understand sarcasm. Meaning you, are oh so great.

  Did something terrible happen? Or is something actually great and you’re just saying it strange? Did you win the lottery?

Somebody clearly isn't completely familiar with the concept of sarcasm. Yes I totally won the lottery. Isn't that marvelous?

  Better things to do than be talked down to for a light hearted joke? Yes.

I'd talk down to you anyway sweetheart. That's what I do. I'm the egotistical asshole rock star. But please, feel free to leave then. Actually, you know what? You stay, I'll go, I was just finishing up anyway. 

  You’re sarcasm is showing…

What can I say? It just doesn't like to stay hidden.Tell me, as helpful as your stating of the obvious is, don't you have better things to do with your time? 

.

Figures I would screw up the only good thing I had going. Shawn reflected with bitter distaste for himself. As he moved towards the exit of the bar, he felt certain that Natalie would never speak to him again, and he could not even blame her. He speculated that by forcing a kiss on her, he had done something she would never forgive him for. I let my emotions get the best of me.  He thought grimly. This is why I've never been emotionally involved with anyone.  As the reality of what he had just done set in, Shawn consciously decided to go home and drowned his own sorrows the best way he knew how: alcohol. But as he approached the door, her voice calling his name brought him to a halt. Feeling her grasp on his arm, he turned around, preparing himself to deal with the look of rage he expected to see on her face. But when he turned, he did not see the angry face that he had anticipated. 

  With a sad smile on her face, Natalie nods slowly and returns to her seat. Quietly, she takes hold of the coaster, bending it until it’s in half. She came to this bar yearning to talk her problems out; about how she was doubting her dreams, doubting herself, and doubting her potential. Surely Shawn would understand. Underneath his rugged, arrogant exterior there was a man with fears and insecurities much like herself. But seeing him now, and recalling his own praise for her abilities, she feels almost embarrassed to admit the thoughts buzzing through her head. “Thank you… For the drinks, and for coming out here tonight. Believe it or not, I don’t have that many friends,” she says with high sarcasm, staring down at her empty glass for one moment. “But that’s my fault, isn’t it?” With a bitter laugh, Natalie faces the drink placed in front of her and smiles gratefully. “I have medals and certificates… And not a single person in this bloody world, outside from my mom’s, who actually cares about me and doesn’t want to strangle me half the time!” Natalie could feel the words falling out of her mouth and onto Shawn, but she was frustrated. The world seemed to be closing in on her, and she found the need to express all of her frustrations. “What… What is wrong with me?” She whispers underneath her breathe, her glassy blue eyes finally turning to stare into Shawn’s. “I try so hard… And I want it, more than anyone wants anything… I work and I work, and it’s like—It’s like no matter how hard I try, I’ll never have my dreams.” With a sad laugh, she shakes her head and buries her face in the palm of her hands. The idea that everything she ever wanted would never be hers was unnerving, but not as much as the next words that would come from her mouth.

Stepping up to the bar, Shawn spoke to the bar tender. "Give me the usual" He said to the man, who nodded in understanding, turning to get Shawn his drink. Turning back to Natalie, Shawn smiled and shrugged. "I've been in here a lot" He told her truthfully. "So tell me what's on your mind" 

  I’m not walking around in the city. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

 Either way you're not in your bed. Instead you are here.. complaining. And you know, as much fun as it is to listen to you go on about how you're apparently dying, I think I'm just gonna go find something to do that doesn't make me want to shank my eyes out. If you want to stop crying about your apparently impending doom, you're welcome to join me.