Shawndolan

Authors note: argh guys long time no see, but I’m back with another new imagine. Fanlly I ran away from ‘writers block’. Send me requests or opinions!

Pairing: Y/N x Shawn Mendes

Words: 1509

Note: This imagine is inspired by Dua Lipa’s song “New rules”

Talkin’ in my sleep at night, makin’ myself crazy

When you fall too deep in the hole of feelings - you feel like you’re about explode, thinking every night if you should finally admit your feelings or no, but mostly it makes you go crazy that you start talking to yourself at night out of nowhere. Asking questions to yourself what kind of game you two playing or just mixing another big bomb to break each other more.

And here I am – no different, falling deeper and deeper to my close friend Shawn. When we meet, I always hiding myself under shadow. It became natural habit since the day when we both hooked up without even planning. Our head were filled with alcohol and intense music making our bodies blend together. The heat between us was irresistible, it felt like we both having feelings for each other, hoping that maybe from this accident everything will change in better way. But I fooled myself with hope.

My love, he makes me feel like nobody else, nobody else

But my love, he doesn’t love me, so I tell myself…

Being with Shawn always made me feel like I’m in home, he made me feel like I could do anything to this world. And I never felt like this before and I was too scared. But Shawn showed to me instantly, that we should forget this night and not bring up. Maybe this wasn’t the thing that hurt me the most, but another words made my heart tear up.

“I’m sorry, but I never meant this to happen. I’m not saying that you were bad or anything, I just” he ran his fingers through his brown hair. “I just don’t have any feelings for you and it just doesn’t feel right”

After that day, these words kept playing and playing with my head, making me go crazy again. While these words couldn’t let me live calmly, I made decision to move away from Shawn. It felt like this is the rightest decision that I can make.

One, don’t pick up the phone

Day after day I started more and more to ignore his texts and calls, until one day with all my strength and broke heart I wrote him ‘I don’t wanna see you or even hear from you, Shawn. I can’t handle myself under the shadow anymore, but stay focused on what you love, I never wanted nor I want something bad to you.” After that message, he still wrote me asking me why I act like this or if this was his fault. But the answer was right in front of his eyes. I didn’t answer, so he started to call me.

You know he’s only calling ‘cause he’s drunk and alone

With each day, it got worser, than I thought it would. From the heart break and endless calls from Shawn, I started to look like a mess. Even more questions filled my head – is this what love is for? To make you feel like a mess? I was feeling alone, but so did Shawn. Few friends told me that he started to drink too much and he was always alone somewhere. They said that he would even ask weird questions loudly without even noticing it. I couldn’t believe it was me who wrecked him or should I say – we both wrecked each other to pieces. But I tried to convince myself that he was the only one who did that, because there wasn’t any similar feeling towards each other. He never loved, he never loved in different way.

Two, don’t let him in

After one month, he started to come at my door, knocking and leaving letters. I always wanted to throw them away or even burn it, but I never did. I was too weak to do this, so I put them all in little box.

It was so hard to not let him in, seeing everytime his tired figure, from doors little hole, made me irresistible. I would always catch myself unlocking door, but I would pull myself together. Everytime few deep sighs would leave my mouth, while I tried to calm down myself.

But one time I miserably failed.

It was casual Sundays evening, making myself comfortable on the couch. But suddenly I heard knock on the door, thinking that it was my friend who said she would come at my place to have a sleepover. I slowly stood up from the couch and made my way to the door. Since Shawn didn’t come anymore whole week, I didn’t even bother to see if it’s him. But when I opened door I saw masculine figure standing in front of me with another letter.

I looked up and it was him. His damned brown eyes, his damned face who once was my favorite dream, but now it became my worst nightmare. He flashed at me small smiles and looked down at the ground. While I was standing completely frozen, feeling eyes water again.

“After all this time, you finally opened door for me” he tried to joke, but it didn’t work for me. “Could I come in? We haven’t made things clear between us”

“There is nothing we should talk about, Shawn” I felt sadness transforming to angriness again.

But Shawn just sighed and walked past through me, like he would when everything was more than fine between us. I closed the door and went to the living room, where I found him leaned on couches backrest, looking around the room until he realized that I’m already here in the room.

“You never told me why you left me” He looked me straight in the eyes.” But I figured out by myself and I want you to listen to me.”

“Listen to you? I’m not sure if I can even do that” If he would say anything hurtful for me, I wasn’t prepared for another heart break.

“Please listen to me and if you won’t like what I said you can forget me, I’ll be gone” You definitely could see begging in his eyes, but I couldn’t say anything it felt like something was stuck in my throat and I couldn’t talk. “I felt like everything was tearing down after we hooked up, because I’m sure that we both could feel intense atmosphere between us. And I know that It was my fault, I shouldn’t have said it. I was afraid of losing someone so important to me. I didn’t noticed hints from you and I’m sorry. But the truth is that I was sure about my feelings, when you left. You throw at me challenge who wrecked me more than you can think.” I saw his face expression changing and his voice cracks became stronger. Few tears rolled down my face, but after them the tears become unstoppable. I felt warm fingers whipping of my tears, I looked up at him and closed my eyes. “I’m sorry” I heard soft voice.

“I don’t want to be with you, if you’re just saying this to make me feel better. There is nothing more horrible than to love person who doesn’t love you, while you’re giving all yourself.”

“If I would say this just to make you feel better, I would’ve gave up after one week. Give me a chance, give me a chance to make you feel my feelings for you” He pressed my body to his. Without even feeling I pressed my head to his chest and wrapped my hands around his torso.

“I’ll give you a chance, but I don’t want you to feel any pressure” I sighed.

“There is no such a thing as pressure, when I’m with you, I’ll make up to you, just give me some time” His warm hands cupped my face and pressed his forehead to mine, making me smile again. When I felt his perfume, it warmed my heart. I was finally again in home, which piece by piece made myself feel better.

Suddenly I felt warm breath against my lips, making me lean forward.

“Are you sure? I know you need some time too, Y/N” He said, circling little circles on my back. I thought about the kiss twice and asked myself if I really want to do this. But I knew that I wanted this for too long that I could resist, maybe I will break my new rules, but my lips are craving for him and I can’t stop myself. So I just nodded to him and he leaned into me. It felt like that night – when our lips blended so well together and bodies were craving for each other touch. Suddenly he deepened kiss making my hands come up to his neck.

After our kiss broke he looked at me again, making sure that I didn’t regret this. I just smiled at him softly and pecked his lips once more.

“I promise, I’ll treat you better, Y/N” Shawn said pulling me into tight hug.