❝   hey! HEYYYY!  ❞

❝   3 inch minimum! ❞

❝   I need for them to break up. ❞

❝   you know what? your mom called. ❞

❝   a heart to heart? what is that? ❞

❝   maybe i’ll just kill ___.  ❞

❝   crazy? you wanna see real crazy?  ❞

❝   AHOY LADIES!  ❞

❝   hey, dingus!  ❞

❝   your children are here!  ❞

❝   how many children are you friends with?  ❞

❝   i dump your ass.  ❞

❝   you sure you’re tall enough for that ride?  ❞

❝   you need help getting up, little ___ ?  ❞

❝   do you knock? jeez!  ❞

❝   yeah, jeez!  ❞

❝   you know that means you suck? ❞

❝   that was pig latin, dingus.  ❞

❝   they make, like, really crazy noises.    ❞

❝   yeah, but…like, happy screams.  ❞

❝   happy screams? what is happy screams? ❞

❝   okay, i’m just going to lend you my mom’s cosmo.   ❞

❝   how many times have you seen him with a shirt ON?❞

❝   c’mon, man, not my scooper!   ❞

❝   have you ever actually WON a fight?   ❞

❝   just shut up and push me!   ❞

❝   not my feet, dumbass!   ❞

❝   push my ass!  ❞

❝   touch my butt! i don’t care!  ❞

❝   yeah, i don’t know.  ❞

❝   oh, i can fit. i just don’t know if i want to.   ❞

❝   you know what that sounds like to me? child endangerment.   ❞

❝   machina! vroom vroom!   ❞

❝   she’s gonna hunt you down, one-by-one, and slit your throat.   ❞

❝   i don’t care about tina! or uncle jack’s party!  ❞

❝  dude! you did it! you won a fight!   ❞

❝  we all die, my strange little friend.  ❞

❝   SPARE ME!  ❞

❝   you yelled at them like it was a parent-teacher conference and hung up on them.   ❞

❝  we’re on the way to rescue our children from the big, bad, fourth of july celebration.    ❞

❝   children! children! children!   ❞

❝   why don’t you two cut the horseshit and get to the part where you admit your sexual feelings for one another?    ❞

❝   WOAH! ❞ 

❝   yes, he’s a brute. i know. ❞

❝   but admit it, you’re real curious what he’s like in the sack. ❞

❝   and YOU! HA! ❞

❝   you’re just a big manbaby who’d rather act tough then show his real feelings. ❞

❝   because the last time you opened your heart you got hurt. OWIE!. ❞ 

❝   you’re dancing around one another with this mind-numbing and frankly boorish mating ritual. ❞

❝  please, for my sake. ❞ 

 ❝  either quit your bickering or pull over, tear off those clothes, and GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY!  ❞

❝   i told them they should have sex.  ❞

❝   did we get that verse right? it’s unfold behind the clouds?  ❞

❝   are you drugged?  ❞

❝   how many times, dad? i don’t DO drugs.  ❞

❝   he says it’s strawberry.  his slurpee. ❞

❝  he did ask for cherry.  ❞ 

❝   you do what this man tells you and you’re all gonna die!  ❞

❝   i’m sorry. why is this four year old talking to me?   ❞

❝   i’m ten, you bald bastard! ❞

❝   not my feet, dumbass!   ❞

❝   NOTHING! THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH NANA!  ❞

❝   is that a new zit?  ❞

[ 📞 ] ‘ say something.’

[ 📞 ] ‘ it’s good to hear your voice. ’ 

[ 📞 ] ‘ are you still there? ’

[ 📞 ] ‘ you’re lying. ’

[ 📞 ] ‘ wait, don’t hang up. ’ 

[ 📞 ] ‘ i need your help. ’

[ 📞 ] ‘ are you crying? ’ 

[ 📞 ] ‘ i love you. ’ 

[ 📞 ] ‘ i’m scared. ’

[ 📞 ] ‘ i worry about you. ’ 

[ 📞 ] ‘ where are you? are you okay? ’

[ 📞 ] ‘ don’t beat yourself up about it. ’

[ 📞 ] ‘ hang on, i’m coming to get you. ’ 

[ 📞 ] ‘ are you in trouble? ’

[ 📞 ] ‘ something happened. ’

[ 📞 ] ‘ it’s me. can we talk? ’

[ 📞 ] ‘ i’ll stay on the phone until you fall asleep. ’

[ 📞 ] ‘ i’m glad you called. ’ 

[ 📞 ] ‘ i’m sorry about earlier. ’

[ 📞 ] ‘ tell me you’re not planning on doing anything stupid. ’

[ 📞 ] ‘ you have to promise. ’ 

[ 📞 ] ‘ i have to go now. ’ 

[ 📞 ] ‘ stop disappearing. ’

[ 📞 ] ‘ i’m always here for you. ’

[ 📞 ] ‘ you’re important. don’t forget that. ’

[ 📞 ] ‘ i had a nightmare. ’ 

[ 📞 ] ‘ leave me alone. ’

[ 📞 ] ‘ i trust you.’

[ 📞 ] ‘ i hate you. ’ 

“I hate demons.”

“And the worst part is, I don’t even have my holy water.”

“I’m going into a demon hole with no holy water.”

“It’s the most haunted nightclub in America.”

“Management is not responsible and cannot be held liable for any actions of any ghosts or spirits on these premises.”

“Obviously enough weird stuff has happened here to necessitate a sign like that.”

“There is a trap door in here that leads directly to the portal of hell downstairs.”

“You’re not gonna believe me if I tell you, so why even tell you?”

“Thought you were big tough guys with your guns and your threatening and your cursing.”

“Why don’t you punch me in the face, maybe smack me around a little.”

“I just got startled by a disco ball.”

“She’s a ghost! She doesn’t even know she’s dead!”

“She doesn’t seem like a very intelligent ghost.”

“Do you always have to insult the ghost of the place we’re at?”

“You keep tricking me into talking to them, you dickhead.”

“Yeah, I find that a strange place to get exorcised.”

“I hate the way this room feels.”

“It looks like a room where you’d lose your mind.”

“Open this door. It says, ‘danger, keep out’.”

“If it says ‘danger, keep out’ why would we go in there?”

“It’s a ghost hole.”

“What were they trying to do? How do you go that wrong?”

“Did he ever cut anybody’s head off?”

“I’m 99.9% sure he’s never cut anyone’s head off.”

“Is he thinking about the time he accidentally cut someone’s head off?”

“That’s the weirdest thing to do before you die. To be like, ‘I’m gonna haunt ya! I’m gonna do creaks!’”

“The history of death and violence isn’t the only thing that brings this basement to life.”

“Demon, turn that on if you’re planning on doing something to us tonight.”

“Turn it on if you want to hurt us!”

“Why do you keep asking it questions like that?”

“What is wrong with you, do you want to die?”

“Plunge us into darkness, demons!”

“If I pull on this rope, you pull me the fuck out of there.”

“Was it scary?”

“Yeah, it was fucking scary.”

“I’m going into the demon hole.”

“Hey there demons, it’s me, ya boy.”

“Frankly, I don’t believe in you.”

“I’ll be quiet now, and if you want to pick me up or scratch me or slam me into the ceiling now would be the best opportunity for that.”

“Do try to kill me.”

“Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

“Goodbye, demon.”

“This is the only time I feel comfortable, when I walk out the door.”

“You escaped the clutches of yet another demon.”

“By the way, you are a psychopath for saying all the things you were saying to it in there.”

“Demons aren’t real, so that’s why I tend to be so flip with them.”

“That demon is never gonna find you.”

“We’re gonna catch ourselves a Squatch.”

“This is the one time we get to sleep somewhere nice.”

“All we do is sleep in haunted places and dirty old hospitals.”

“How often do you say you got to be a piece of history?”

“We’re about to etch ourselves into the stone of Bigfoot lore.”

“It was supposed to be fun!”

“This might be the only time I actually believe in what you’re talking about.”

“Do you imagine Bigfoot as someone who walks around in disguises?”

“If you stab Sting with a knife, Sting will bleed.”

“You’re gonna eat that burger, I’m gonna stay in the haunted house all night.”

“My organs are beginning to shut down, I’ll be dead in five minutes.”

“I wonder if that guy will be proud of us.”

“I think I might need to go to the hospital.”

“I’m not a Bigfoot. I’m a human being.”

“Don’t make Bigfoot believe in your ghostly energies.”

“It’s not gonna scare it away, it’s gonna make me look more festive!”

“Have fun getting shot!”

“You honestly think we’re going to encounter a Squatch, the Squatch is going to attack you, and your life is going to be saved because you’re wearing a helmet?”

“I wasn’t fat-shaming Bigfoot!”

“If it’s any consolation, you look like an idiot.”

“This guy is inhaling too many cat shit fumes.”

“That’s the part where we die.”

“This means we live to see tomorrow.”

Send one to…

😴  - Curl up next to my sleeping muse

🤐 - Come to my muse with a secret

🧥 - Wrap a coat around my muse

💉 - Help my muse take a shot

✂️ - Cut my muse’s hair

🎈 - Bring my muse something to cheer them up

🤗 - Sneak up behind my muse and hug them

🎸 - Teach my muse how to play the guitar

🍙 - Bring my muse something to eat

🥤 - Bring my muse a drink

🍻 - Bring my muse an alcoholic drink

🌺 - Put a flower in my muse’s hair

🛁 - Take a bath with my muse

🚿 - Take a shower with my muse

🎮 - Show my muse video game cheats

⚽️ - Teach my muse a sport

🌱 - Plant seedlings with my muse

🤛🏼 - Show my muse how to throw a proper punch

📕 - Read to my muse