ice queen;

Good afternoon my fellow human beings.

Any particular reason for the weird greeting, or? 

I think Kennedy’s coming down with a cold… And I swear, there’s nothing worse than a sick baby.

I could name a few things worse than a sick baby. Having a baby in the first place being top of that list. 

I still have some leftover scones from breakfast, if you’re interested.

Since when do people have scones for breakfast? Is this some weird English bullshit? 

No catch gorgeous, so long as you don’t mind having to be sneaky.

Trust me, I know plenty about being sneaky. I'll be there in a few minutes. 

I was on Humans of New York today. No big deal.

Did you say something interesting or did you totally fuck up? 

"This is a five minute warning, for anyone of ya’ll that wants to join me in drinking through my brother’s stash of booze."

Free drinks with a hot girl? What's the catch? 

"I think that the past couple weeks have been some of the most stressful weeks I’ve ever been through."

Try getting out of a law suit for accidentally hiring a seventeen year old girl for a porno. That's stressful.

"Yeah. You’re absolutely right. I was a big fucking idiot for believing that under that bitchy attitude and arrogance, was a truly beautiful person. A girl who was fucked up so bad, emotionally and mentally that she had completely shut down anyone who tried to help. That she simply refused to open up and let someone love and care about her. But really, you’re just a major fucking, self-loving cunt. There’s nothing more to you.”

   Perhaps if you hadn't built up so much false hope about the person you thought I was and instead, realized that I was who I said I was from the start, you wouldn't be PMSing in front of me right now. What do you want me to say, Fred? That I'm some broken princess that you can fix? No. I'm not like Kim, or Chloe, or any of those rehab skanks you like so much, I don't have some awful back story that I can spill to you when I feel weak. I'm just a bitch. Like you said, there's really nothing more to it. Are you satisfied now? Because now, you can play happy families with the cute Barbie doll instead and I can continue being a self-loving cunt. We're all winners. 

"Jesus Christ Shane. I’ve always fucking been there for you. I’ve supported your fake ass through thick and thin. Never believed any of  those nasty rumors. But you know what? You’re just as bad as they say you are."

   And what's your point? I've always told you, there's some truth in every rumor, no rumors just come out of thin air. It's not my fault that you were stupid enough to ignore them. Now, if you don't mind, I have new clothes to unpack. It's surprising how much Ralphy is willing to spend these days. He must be raking it in.