Shanaya K

1. For everyone who has ever come begging at my car window, or called out to me on the streets, to never go hungry again. Anything I may have given did more to ease my conscience than to help. I wish I could do more. One day I will.

2. For all the limping stray dogs and cats with their skin thinly stretched over their ribs to be okay. I wish I could take all of you in, but my mother doesn’t like animals.

3. For my maid’s granddaughter to be able to finish school and become a doctor like she wants to. I wish I were earning enough to support that. One day, I hope I will be, but that day, I wish for her to be earning more.

4. To be able to see the world: all the city lights and the mud huts. To meet all the people, go to all the cafes and visit the ruins of all the temples and palaces that now only exist between the pages of history books. To learn to say hello in all the languages and goodbye in none.

6. More rainy days with nothing to do but look out the window, while specks of water drench your face and the breeze brushes your hair away from your eyes, it almost feels like a lover’s touch. You take in the petrichor and smile.

7. So many bookstore and coffee shop dates. Somewhere between the quiet rustle of pages and the rich warmth of caffeine and sugar, you can find magic.

8. To never look in the mirror and feel inadequate. It’s hard hating the body that holds you. It’s hard feeling like you’ll never be good enough, or smart enough, or beautiful enough. I wish to fall in love with all my blemishes.

9. You. Your sun kissed smile, your face buried in my shoulder, your hand in mine. At every 11:11, on every fallen eyelash and shooting star, it’s you I want to wish for. But I stop myself, because you can’t wish for people; they’re not possessions.

And it’s hard wishing for so many things. So I just wish for one.

Happiness.

I remember every moment,

That we spent under the sun.

You smiled at me once,

And just like that,

I came undone.

And the sun,

It shined so bright,

As if beckoning you,

To take flight, come closer,

Just like your namesake had.

Because it missed the way he’d laughed,

As hot wax dripped over his shoulder,

And he hadn’t minded much as he fell,

And he fell,

And he fell,

Leaving the world a little colder.

You’d tell me stories,

Of Greek gods who cursed men,

And raped women,

And were worshipped.

Of heroes who started wars,

But ended them too.

And I had so many questions.

Like why out of everyone,

Your mother named you after a boy,

Who was too stupid to realize,

That freedom came with rules,

And the reckless were just fools,

And you just held your head back and laughed,

Not unlike he had.

And then we'd look at the stars,

Each with a billion stories to tell,

Like the sky’s memoirs.

As I found Sirius, Cassiopeia and Orion,

My questions got lost in the cosmos.

It was only when you traced your fingers,

Along the contours of my back,

Did I realize how it felt,

To burn,

And love every single moment of it.

So I fell,

And I fell,

And I fell,

Into your eyes, Icarus.

There's a boy,

In my house right now,

And he's waiting for me in bed.

But I can't go home to him,

At least, not yet.

So I sit here by the river,

Flicking stones in the water,

Because I can't get you out of my head.

And he makes me laugh,

And he calls me pretty,

He’s memorized the colour of my eyes,

He says the two of us together,

It's serendipity.

And he makes me feel so safe.

And he makes me feel so guilty.

Because I've tried to love him,

I've tried so hard.

But his eyes only remind me,

Of the forget-me-nots in your backyard.

And he doesn't touch me,

Like I'm a piece of art.

I do want to love him,

But I don't know where to start.

Because he still doesn't know,

My favourite kind of whiskey.

And when I'm mad,

I don't want chocolates or apologies,

I  just want you to come kiss me.

And he doesn't know,

That all I want anymore,

Is for you to show up at my door,

With your eyes all misty,

And just say you miss me.

Just say you miss me.

But all I can do,

Is sit here by the river,

In the place where you first kissed me.

And it's so cold and I shiver,

Because you're not there,

To give me your jacket

And I didn't get mine,

Just out of habit.

And I know I should get back,

To the boy in my bed.

Tell him I love bourbon,

When I should love him instead.

But all I can do,

Is sit here with these scars and regrets,

Wishing that all alcohol,

Didn't taste like your lips,

And that I couldn't see your eyes,

In every sunset.

Because the truth is, baby,

I try to forget,

But I can't get you out of my head.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

Someone's walking down the hall.

And if the Queen’s asleep in bed,

Who's that calling for her head?

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

Did you not tell the queen at all?

That poisoned apples still rot.

But a ruthless vendetta will not.

So mirror, mirror in the night,

Do you see snow white skin,

Shining against the moonlight?

Her knife is sharp, with blood it drips.

Where else does she get the colour of her lips?

So run; the castle will burn down.

The fallen princess has come for her crown.

Mirror, mirror, it's best you bow.

Let's take a gentle razor,

To all the mouths sewn shut.

Let's pull out all the threads,

And ask them to speak out.

Snip

Let's listen to their voices,

And hear the stories they tell,

Finally uncover the truths untold,

And god, let them raise hell.

Snip

So let's ask the little children,

With sindoor on their heads,

Who can barely even understand,

When they're undressed and taken to bed.

Snip

Let's ask the ghosts of those,

Whose bodies were thrown in pits,

Whose shoes were found in piles outside,

Not many survived Auschwitz.

Snip

Let's ask all the men and women,

Who had to give up their seats,

On trains, buses, the Parliament,

Who were beaten and broken and accepted defeat.

Snip

Let's ask the ones who loved,

Ask them what they went through,

Because no one knows that love hurts,

Better than the LGBTQ.

Snip

Call upon Draupadi and Anne Frank,

And all the silenced ones,

And make them ask for blood to answer,

For their cut out tongues.

Snip

Make them name their perpetrators,

Make them name each one,

Of the bastards who who took their voices,

And sewed all their mouths shut.

Snip

And let them raise rebellion,

Such that Rome would not have known,

That shakes the very foundations,

Of the world that beat them down.

Snip

And let history hear the echoes,

Of the roars of the oppressed,

So that everyone finally knows,

That the silenced scream the loudest.

You came looking for rubble?

You came to the wrong place.

Take one look

At her pretty lips and her smiling, mirthless face

You already know,

That she is not the Holy mess,

You were looking for,

To salvage love from.

Because she grew up

To the sound of bones crunching

And skin, skin just like yours

Being torn from flesh

You think she doesn't like the taste of blood?

Think. Again.

(she relishes it)

But when she touched you,

Her nails, grazing against your

Soft, easily ripped apart skin

And her fingertips

Going over every scar

Like salt in a wound

And it hurt

But it made your blood taste oh-so-good

You already know

You *will* be back for more

So when she caresses your white feathers

With her hands dripping crimson

It's holier than any mouth singing hymns and

Her bruised lips

Kissing your angel mouth

Is what no God ever felt

In one century or a million

So you decorate her altar

With broken halos and torn wings

And she burns your soul

With hellfire and thorned things

And you, you worshipped her

Because you’d never sipped on sin before

And no one ever told you

How Goddamn holy it tasted

I wake up in the middle of the night,

To a cavity in my bed,

Your smell still lingers between the sheets,

Your voice still echoes in my head,

The clock strikes 3,

And I know you're gone,

I can still hear whispers of what you said,

"Baby, I'm a creature of the night,

You know you can't keep wolves as pets, "

And your eyes whisper blasphemy,

Like sweet nothings in love letters,

They draw me from across the room,

And I should have known better,

The night I decided to dance with you,

Because those eyes of yours won't let me go,

And look at me now, I'm fettered.

When I kiss you, I taste rebellion,

Like crop tops under burkhas,

And the sickly sweet smell of cigarettes,

In the backseat of my car,

I taste moonlight glistening off pistols,

And tequila in abandoned bars,

You taste of inebriation stronger than I have ever known,

It's no mystery how Helen started a war.

You left your shoes behind,

Traipsing barefoot in the dark,

At least this way I know that,

You're going to come back,

And 5 inch boots never did go,

With shimmery gowns or a pumpkin coach,

So I'm glad your lipstick's dark enough,

To leave a stain on my very soul,

Because baby I think it's time you know,

That with vines and thistles I'm overgrown,

And I've buried enough corpses to say,

My heart's too wild for you to tame,

I know you're a wolf, but I'm no prey,

I've already stolen your heart away,

So let's howl at the moon, forget what's right,