back on my bullshit

Neil spots the car, and his body stutters to a stop. It’s the briefest of hesitations, but he can feel Mom’s eyes burning against his front and Andrew’s piercing his neck. He slides smoothly into the next step.

One. Two. Three. Eins. Zwei. Drei.

He keeps his stare slightly ahead, each beat of his heart circulating the dread in his veins.

She’s going to make you leave, his mind whispers. There’s only one reason she’d wait here for you.

Neil’s hand tightens around the strap of his bag at the thought. He can’t think of leaving, not when it would mean leaving Andrew.

He doesn’t look at the twins when he sits in the passenger’s seat, nor does he speak. Mary says nothing, her silence somehow worse than any words she could say. Neil feels the tension ratchet up as they get closer to the house; his palms are bleeding from his nails cutting into them. Mary gets out with a slam of her door, and Neil follows silently.

He’s just barely closed the front door when his head whips to the side, his eyes watering instinctually as his cheek starts to sting. Neil hates that the violence of it surprises him, that even after 7 years he never sees the first hit coming. Her hand is in his hair next, painfully tugging at his scalp, enough to take out a few hairs.

Neil shudders as he remembers each time Andrew’s hands have carded through it. He blinks away his desire to have Andrew here, at his back with careful hands that have never hurt him.

That would be worse, he reminds himself, desperately squashing any thoughts of Andrew. She’d kill him.

“Stupid boy.” Neil inhales sharply; his mother’s voice in a tone he recognizes too well. She uses her grip to force him to face her. Mary’s eyes are dark and her lips are set in a stern line.

Neil shrinks back, forgets he’s a few inches taller than her now, winces as she tugs even harder at his hair.

“Did you think I wouldn’t find out?” she hisses.

Neil’s tongue feels like lead in his mouth, “I-” She slams his head backwards with enough force that his ears ring. She removes her hand from his hair, and Neil realizes as he stumbles to the ground that she’d been holding him up.

His knees land on the wood floor with a sharp crack. Mary wastes no time in sending the toe of her boot into his diaphragm, and Neil chokes on air as he curls into himself.

“What can’t you understand about the danger of your actions, Abram? Or did you think this was different because he’s a boy?” Neil connects the dots and feels sick.

“If you listened to me the first time, I wouldn’t have to beat another lesson into you,” Mary’s voice is cold as she punctuates her words with another kick.

“I’m sorry,” Neil rasps out.

“How many of our secrets did you tell? Or were you too busy letting him stuff his tongue down your throat?”

“I didn’t tell him anything,” Neil lies desperately, “We were just-” Neil crumples, a pained whine escaping him as her next kick lands on the edge of his face.

“You were just thinking with your dick,” Mary bites out.

I wasn’t, Neil thinks, I was doing something much worse.

“What if he asked? I know you, Abram. Eventually you’ll delude yourself into thinking he’s safe, that there’s no harm in letting a little information slip. You are going to get yourself killed,” Mary doesn’t have to yell for her voice to echo in his ears.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he mumbles, “I won’t do it again. I won’t.”

She sighs, and then she’s retreating, giving Neil a much needed reprieve. His ribs have already started to ache, though he can tell she didn’t break anything, and his face is throbbing as he struggles to sit up.

He hears her running the sink, and then he flinches as a cool rag meets the skin she kicked. He doesn’t look up from the floor.

“You won’t speak to him. I expect you back here every day after classes let out. You certainly do not trust some boy to put his hands on you.”

Neil nods, “I promise,” he whispers quietly.

Mary nods, running a hand through his hair gently, “I’ll grab you some ice.”

Neil walks gingerly to his room. It’s been a long time since he’s done something wrong enough to deserve such a severe punishment.

He wrestles his phone out of his bag, bile rushing up his throat as he opens his messages. He throws a quick glance behind him to make sure Mary is out of sight as he closes his door.

Ok?

Stupid, Neil thinks, that a message from Andrew can bring so much relief.

He catalogues the aches and bruises already forming. She’s never hit him in the face before, but with the news of Andrew and him coming out…it won’t be hard to spin a believable lie.

Fine. Neil replies. You?

Meet at the mill tomorrow

Neil grimaces. He has to hope Mary won't whisk him away tonight.

We’ll have to skip. She wants me home after classes.

Third period

listen i get this compulsion sometimes, to make sure everything is real and what i remember it to be. sometimes its reasonable, sometimes its not. all the same though it has to be proved before i can move on.

so, andrew makes neil sleep on the floor for a week in the summer before his senior year. at the columbia house. neil doesn't complain, doesn't ask why or to switch places. he curls up on the cool wooden floor with a spare blanket and has the nerve to smile up at andrew who's watching him from the safety of the elevated bed.

he smiles like he's grateful for this, to be given a chance to sleep on the floor next to andrew. he smiles like he's been handed a gift the equivalent of the sun incarnated in the form of the hard boards digging into his shoulders.

but andrew needs to prove this, he needs to know that neil's quiet following of his rules won't break at the first crash. so he continues; he lets his apathy shroud his care for the red haired menace.

but at the end of the week, the bags under neil's eyes are just a tad bit deeper; the twitching of his hands a bit more prominent. the hardness of the floor probably reminds him of his time on the run, making sleep harder to find and grasp, andrew thinks.

after this, he'll never make neil sleep on the floor again, even if it means he himself ends up in his place. he refuses to let his choices be the one to hurt neil, even if its willing on neil's part. and he keeps to his self promise

meanwhile neils pov is like: andrew wants me to sleep on the floor for until he says so. he probably wants to keep me in his vision and make sure im safe, he wants me sooooooo bad

neil punching the shit out of riko and wymack having to drag him off

neil repeatedly wanting to hit someone but not allowing himself because he was trying to stay low profile

neil getting back from evermore, realising riko tattooed him, and immediately attempting to carve the tattoo off his face with a knife

neil fantasising about stomping andrews face in at columbia

neil being experienced with guns

neil specifically liking exy because its aggressive and violent

neil grabbing the racket at thanksgiving with the intention of using it as a weapon, then asking for it back after

did you forget when neil absolutely HUMILIATED that woman who was trying to ask him out???? and he didn’t even pick up on the romantic connotations, he did that thinking she just wanted to be FRIENDS.

HUMILIATED.