super broccoli

Again with the astrology related title but who to blame?

I’m really not good at making coherent words so long short story, this thing I’m pursuing is really hard, and maybe the hormones are currently taking over but I just realized that being unwanted really, really hurts.

I’m not sure, since even though I’ve known for a couple of months, I still can’t decipher his ways.

Sooo apparently this site is no longer blocked or whatsoever in my country? Yay?

Anyways, i’ll be 24 in few days, in three days to be exact. I’m currently on my period, cheers, so this is going to be a wordvomit on a blog basis, unlike the usual tweet form.

Why is that? Because i want to laugh reading it in the future. Well, hopefully.

So i’ve been facing some sorta cliché problem in my life, that it’s my first time having this so called problem, and damn it sucks.

It’s been months, 3 for the first one and (almost) 2 for the second one. Yas, there are 2.

But i’m not gonna rant about that because i’ll be an embarassing form of a human if this gets out, so i’m just gonna rant about myself and blame my hormones for it because nothing’s better than blaming others for your stupidity.

So here we go,

I’ve been scared, like THAT scared, of opening up to people. It used to take me probably few weeks, once i even basically splurged myself, but i don’t know why, and how, that i’ve become this solid rock masked person who’s cautious, and casually walking away from that line of something that could’ve been more than this.

Isn’t it frightening though, baring yourself to people? You barely know their motives, let alone promise you that they will be there once the ship wreck and you suddenly can’t swim. Practically, you’d show how vulnerable you are to people who probably would stay for only few months. It is damn frightening for me. Why would you give this person the key to your happiness? Okay that was too much, but that someone could be the reason for your anxiety and that isn’t scary? For me, it fucking is.

God, i’ve been so bad with words too. How could you force me to articulate word by word, clearly, foolishly thinking that i could spare you the key, that you probably would jump to search for said key, and fuck, i’ve practically bared 1/1927483 part of myself for you to walked away spitting you’ve had enough on my face?

I don’t know whether it was a blessing or a curse, for keeping my guards high, for not giving you a drop of vulnerability, despite the crushed tinge of hope i had built.

24 is indeed the age of thinking and thinking over, and probably not the best age to keep pushing people away.

Or maybe i’m still, still, not ready.

So,

I planned to attend a concert i failed to watch last year. Yes, exactly (around) last year.

And so i just failed again.

I was a crying mess. It was like the whole universe dont want you to be there.

And i get it. It was probably for me so that i have to study these past 2 weeks so that i could escape for 2-3 hours later. It was probably for me to stay until 12 am when everyone's fast asleep. And probably because i did everything, this past week, for granted?

God i swear i wasnt.

I mean this is the first time in my 6 years stanning: stanning never been this heartbreaking.

Because this time (the 7th week of the rotation out of 9), as i, a 22yo intern at this district hospital (that happened to be 18km away from the city instead of other 3 inside), who's having a pre examination syndrome, is having a test on monday (instead of thursday or friday), with patient just being admitted like 2-3 hours before 2pm (i dont wanna thank God for sick people but thank God), and a really caring consultant who was willing to stay till noon just to give us the said patients and still kindly taught us the way it is supposed to be (but why he was there only after 2pm,,), and all those misscommunication between me and my helpful drivers and it IS SATURDAY NIGHT YAY so it was a less than 10% chance of me to get to the venue before the concert ended.

And to think that i managed to decide all of it on a motorcycle in the middle of nowhere while getting hit by the downpour (or is it my eyes), no really i got hit twice by the rain, i'm now a self proclaimed grown woman. Thank you.

(Crying 20 minutes during the rest of the ride home and stop only to get in to my room and continue for another hour are part of how a grown woman cope with a heartbreak for loving a group that barely know that i exist because my love is....real........ and you should know that it is possible for a person to genuinely stan a group)