IIM: Insightful-Inspiring- Motivating

everyone has time to give advice and talk, but no one wants to show up and hang out [with the sad kid].

It’s really... “I’m here for you”... when i have the time [and you’re not that depressing].

the few times that I do ask, whether for help or company, publicly or privately, the silence is what really hurts. Because what I’m asking for is more costly than words- time & energy. But that’s too much it seems. The cost of a friendship is too much- there has to be trust and effort, so I guess everyone just wants to be acquaintances. Low risk, slight reward.

it feels frustrating [and lonely] to feel like no one wants to truly help. I think of it as I was a professional weight lifter and that maybe I got injured lifting. The injury heals but my confidence and self esteem become lowered and I can no longer lift the weight I could before. A weight lifter will then have someone come workout with him as a “spotter” to give a few encouraging words and assist with the lift when needed. I just need a damn spotter! I just need 1 good dancer, with good energy to learn and vibe out. But it feels like I can’t find a single person to take the time. And after 10 years being around the community, it just hurts to feel like I became so insignificant that I have to prove my worth for just friends to take a moment to be a “spotter”.

I know I’m not alone, I just constantly feel alone.

I hate that I feel like i’m in a losing battle, a constant cycle of feeling bad then failing to accomplish part of the daily task. I sleep, but don’t rest. I can buy groceries, but have no place to put them or cook. And a computer that sits in a box because I have no place for it. 

I know I am blessed to be alive and healthy. It just feels hard to execute on things even for myself, like sleeping, eating, and fitness, let alone finish an editing project and try to choreograph. Here’s the other irony, I’m trying to love what I do for a living (creating- dance or film), but feel a sense of guilt for enjoying it- at least this is one of my stupid mental concerns with dancing. Not so much editing, because I edit for other people. I haven’t had much time to create my own work in a while- between the pressure of needing money plus everything else in my life at this moment, creating my own had become something I talked about and thought about. 

More irony, losing the camera equipment when I was expecting to use it and learn the most. I guess it is my fault for leaving the equipment in the car. 

I know the cycle I want and I know the cycle I’m in- I hate the cycle i’m in. It continues to feel like falling dominos everyday with my mood and motivation being quickly lost. I want an actual bed to sleep in. I want to wake up at 4am (yes I know it’s crazy stupid), go to the gym, take my dogs on a hike, have a kitchen of my own to prep and cook my own food. I know the good habits I want to build but it’s so damn difficult when you feel you don’t have a better grasp of basic essentials. I don’t even know what career to do anymore. I trained for 10 years to be a professional dancer aspiring to be a choreographer and instructor to switching gears and completely learning videography (video + editing). And recently, I have 90% of my equipment stolen, which completely halts my further use, learning, and earnings for the next 6 months at least. 

I just keep getting to the questions “Who cares?” and “Does it really matter?”.... 

constantly feeling like i’m torn between two sides... for everything. It’s like i’m screaming for help... but screaming “fuck off!” to everyone. I don’t want anyone’s help.... or maybe I do. Maybe I want to feel cared about or validated. It’s a horrible fucking cycle. From the outside looking in, it’s like... “c’mon dude, it’s not that bad. You’re intelligent enough, and talented enough to make something happen.”

and yet... here I am. I feel like I see things from 2 different viewpoints and then constantly argue with myself. It hurts even more to go look back at just even 3 years ago and to see that my goals are exactly the same, mainly because it feels like I haven’t accomplished anything in years. My own creativity and negativity shuts out the hope and joy of just creating. Like the intention and start is good, but I lose myself in wanting to just be accepted for my work and hope that I feel validated. I hate it. I know it’s all mental, but controlling it seems easier than it is. It’s like you can see and hear the negative thoughts, and if it were anyone else saying this to me, I would look at them crazy and tell them that they are wrong. But when it comes to myself... I just tend to continue this “You’re not good enough” thought process. I don’t know how to break it. I honestly just want to be able to create are that I am proud of in terms of execution and completion. I need to get these visions our of my head and these feelings off my chest but I get so caught up in 

1) my own expectations- nothing ever seems to be as good as my freestyles (yes, i’ve tried filming it- doesn’t feel or come out the same.

2) fear of being vulnerable. there’s a lot that I want to share for the selfish reason of getting it off my chest, however, there is a huge fear. Trying to be authentic to the moments and movement with such emotional distress is difficult. I often find myself becoming paralyzed while choreographing when I become consumed by the thoughts. And i’ve also never been this vulnerable through dance. 

combine the fear of being vulnerable with thinking you are never as good as your own thoughts or freestyle is dangerous. It’s death to creativity. Like, at this point... I am my own enemy and I don’t know how to stop it. I am doing my absolute best to stay away from any hard narcotics as well as alcohol. But I constantly find myself feeling depressed each day and it’s so damn annoying. again.... it’s like i’m screaming “FUCK YOU” hoping that you care enough to stop and help. Because what’s worse about feeling alone and depressed, is feeling like you’re a burden to anyone who may genuinely want to help. I continue to post to social media only to delete a post hours later. If someone asks, I either ignore it or am short in response. I figure they don’t really care. It’s basically a negative self fulfilling prophecy. I try to keep my expectations down and almost negative so I don’t feel so disappointed when people give up trying. Feels like “I knew they wouldn’t stay around”... shit I mean how could anyone want to stay around when you feel like a Debbie Downer. No one wants to keep checking on you, making sure you’re ok. it’s exhausting, time consuming, and truth be told, it isn’t anyone else’s obligation to make sure I’m happy. Happiness is on me.... I just can’t seem to think it’s ok for me to be happy now. Like I don’t deserve it. I’m too irresponsible, too co-dependent, too inconsistent for my dreams. 

This entire 2018 just keeps giving hard lesson after hard lesson. It feels like a challenge to not be bitter...

2018.... Feels like I am constantly screaming. I don’t know what signs to read or how to read them and I no longer know what the hell I am doing.