Thin Line Between Lover And Adict

He had a certain presence. Like the tremble of an oncoming earthquake. A vision of plainness, surrounded by exquisite beauty. Not the conventional beauty that you could find on any magazine cover, Or lining the street of just any town. But a handsome set of attributes fitting of some distant Greek Mythology. The eyes of a god, transfixing one in their place. A beauty unpronounced and unprecedented. A flawed smile of utter acceptance, that completed your soul. One that says: I say things to make your heart break and your soul roll with laughter. A face that's broken hearts. A look of confident ambiguity. Quite the paradox, come waltzing through the door of life. And glancing I felt his tremble, I felt the force that was his gaze. And standing there above him, I felt the exchange of souls passing through time. Souls that had been made and formed for one another. In another time, for another meaning. But here the souls, they pass again. Meeting in our gaze. And heart in following after, I knew I had no other choice. To leave the ones who owned my broken heart, instead lending it to a mender who's heart and soul it had been molded to fit to. No choice but to choose the earth shattering, ground quaking beauty of a man and soul which below me stood. Not a single thought has echoed in my head since that day of choosing, That didn't sound exactly like his name or some related entity. Not a single moment passed that I would not be willing to scream my love for him Or throw myself off the cliff of social necessity and manners, expected customs and current stable conditions and into the ocean of his gaze. Cast off the shackles of expectations and into the embrace of true love.

Every day I make the choice to be with you. There are certainly days when I want to go back. Not to days without you. But to days when I was excited about living for that day. Now I have to look so far in the future to find things to be excited about. I wouldn't want it back, not really. I do consider it, I do think about it. Maybe because I was addicted to something and no matter what happened during that time, it will only be rosy in my memory. No matter what I do, it seems that nothing can top that. Nothing accept you. It seems cheesy, but I've never seen anything so clearly. Not only have you replaced drugs in my mind, but you've replaced urges in my heart. The thought that something better may be laying out there somewhere never crosses my mind. You are all that there is, both the beginning and the end. Of what, you ask? I'm not sure, but I know that you are. I'm not sure if I've told you yet, why exactly I'm writing this for you. I want to explain to you how you make me feel. How my heart and soul are invested in this one thing: you. The closest experience I have to feeling this way is being addicted. I've thought I was in love before, but I've found that nothing consumes you quite like opiates. Nothing is as controlling as your own brain when it's relying on something else. You aren't drugs. You don't have utter control of my bodily functions quite like the drugs used to. On the contrary, you are much worse. You are much more potent and powerful. You are longer lasting. You have a longer reaching affect on my person as a whole. In some ways I could say that I'm addicted to you, but not in the negative connotation that typically comes with that word. I just love you with an all-consuming, overwhelming, absolutely thrilling way. You are the first person I have truly loved with my whole heart, no strings attached. The first person I could commit to, no holds bar. The first person I've ever been absolutely head over heels with no reason for doubt. This is the most intense feeling to ever over come me, and that's why it's only fitting that I use my fling with opiates to compare--if incorrectly--my love for you to.

You are my sobriety. I don't know if I've ever told you that... But if you hadn't come back into my life when you did, I wouldn't be half the person I am today. Sure, I drink. But I'm not nearly the live wire I could have been. So, thank you for giving me a reason to quit. Thank you for being the light at the end instead of my relying on substances... Thank you, I love you.

You are absolutely, wonderfully, normal. You are remarkable in many ways, but none that make you ethereal. Its an almost tangible quality, to see you as simply a human. It is new for me, and blessedly so, to see you for the imperfect being that you are--and not after many mistakes and countless heartbreaks did I find this of you. I have always known. Your human-ness makes you so much more real, so much more admirable and lovable. I have never had the expectations that you would be perfect, that you were some soul defining creature meant to complete me--and thus my expectations were never shattered by your inabilities. No, never. And never have you let me down, it is truly commendable. Now, it's hard for me to know if I've reached this thinking by my many failed attempts at making men to be my completion, or if you are simply so remarkably human that I could not give you the air of a god. The only way I can truly describe it is the way that you tell a story--a simple one, an anecdote from your day--and I can do nothing but marvel at how my heart spins because of the simple way you lift your hands to emphasize things. When you speak I become fixated on not only the words that you speak, but how the manner in which you speak those words expresses your simple perfection. Even though I know you are not perfect, I never expect you to be, and that is why your simplicity is so perfect to me.

Don’t worry, I will never compare being with you to being high. Not directly of course. Mostly because that would be an unfair comparison for hydrocodone, because your love is an experience that rivals with nirvana and Buddhists’ enlightenment. Now, don’t get me wrong being high was great, and being around you is also great–but it’s hard to compare a perfectly prepared steak to an almost perfectly written novel. Think about it this way, drugs are purely psychological, they change the reality that you perceive, thus changing how you interact with your surroundings and how it interacts with your senses. But making love to you, just being with you, fills the senses. It isn’t just in my head, it is a physical exchange. It is real, not just a skewing of reality. It takes every sense that would normally be utilized by your brain–which are enhanced by drugs–and makes it real and tangible. Right there. While the late, great Robin Williams once said “thoughts and ideas are reality, it is physical that is the illusion…” I believe the opposite is true when it comes to loving you–you are reality and the only kind of drug I think I’ll ever need.

I realized tonight why I’m having trouble getting to sleep, it’s because it has been so long since I fell asleep to your warmth against my back. I’m sure you’re wondering “why now? So long down the road..” Well, I’m sure you know that with addiction, sure the first week is hard; but once a new habit is set it’s easy to move on with your life–with that new habit. I hope you wouldn’t know, though, how addictions are, or the first thing about relapsing. You see, after this first week and your life is better, you’re functioning, your thoughts return to normal–non addiction oriented thoughts–and you think you’re in the clear. It is about week 4 or five, when this new habit starts to bore you or you see one thing that reminds you of how it felt to be under the influence.. That’s when you break down, you start thinking of the fastest way to get back to that feeling. Cross oceans, climb mountains, leap tall buildings in a single bound–anything. Anything to have that feeling back. Now, I’m not saying I’m addicted to you. But never once did I ever think about driving 8 hours in the middle of the night, disregarding all responsibilities, just to get high. Not even one time. Somehow, though, every time I lay down to sleep–whether it’s 7 in the evening or 3 in the morning, I think of how easy it would be for me to get in my car and drive to you. To your bed where I know there will be a spot for me. To the safety that is your embrace. To the comfort that is your soft snores. Every morning when I wake up and find that at some point I fell asleep on my own, by myself, it’s the same triumphant feeling I got when I realized I had been 2 months sober and the thought of getting high hadn’t occurred to me even once that week. I’m living without you on a day to day basis, and that’s making my love for you grow stronger. I’m not saying I don’t think about you, because I do, at any given moment in the day you could ask me what I’m thinking of and I would, more times than not, say “you.” I think it’s better, healthier, that I can consider throwing all of this life away just to sleep next to you, without going through with it. To me it shows my commitment to you, but also my acceptance of the reality that is my life, that is our lives. I wouldn’t say I’m addicted to you, but your love and your touch are something I always crave–no matter how long it’s been.