りか

i apologize that i look angry all the time.

i took a shower today and i washed my hair again.

you asked me to speak up, but you have never once lived in silence. so when the words fell out of my stitched mouth, you cut them out and fought back in fear of losing your voice from a girl who is younger than you.

oh, my friend,

waking up this morning with anger filling me inside and throwing tantrums at my friends were the worst so i spent some time today hating myself because i got angry. somehow i didn’t get it why should i feel bad and guilty for being angry when something or someone hurt me. guess i really don’t want to be left alone just for being angry because anger means selfishness for me and i hate myself for that.

7:44 am’s thoughts:

and it’s true that most of the time life is so unfair that you even get no time to be startled by the realization of it. and whenever you say that, they will always come to you, telling you the words that you do know are untrue yet you can’t deny the fact that you are also wondering too: am i really not grateful enough?

everywhere is not comfortable anymore. i can’t be alone but it feels like everyone doesn’t want to be around me. at least it’s what they told me in my mind, but then they will also say: it’s just you. you shouldn’t pull yourself off of others. you are the one who is far from them. and perhaps, it is true. perhaps, it is my own fault. perhaps, i am better off alone, all by myself. my presence does not seem to be worthy anymore. my effort can’t be seen as a way to keep trying anymore. it all seems useless, and i don’t know what to do anymore.

there is a place where quiet doesn't mean lonely. my brother used to build a small room of his own under a coconut tree on the side of our house. once, i went there and that was the first time i thought that i could leave my house anytime i want to. my father used to write poems and letters. i found one for my brother when he was one year old. i have never found mine, but handwritten letters are the best gift someone would ever give me. my mom… she does not change much. i’m still afraid of losing her.

a question without a mark: you ever so scared to sleep just because you don’t want to wake up to bad news. i didn’t wish i was brave but i wish i wasn’t scared. when will this get less bad? it doesn’t have to be better. it doesn’t have to end and stop. i just want it to get less awful or at least get used to it and not get tired and sick of it and not complain about it. these feelings. i just want that. to stop. i promise, i won't ask for anything else. i just want that. to stop. when will i get that? can i get that? will i even get that?

you wondered why i fell in love with you but one reason you had to know that you did not see yourself the way i saw you; you did not see that exciting sparkle in your words every time you talked about something that made you love being alive.

the doctor told me to drink more milk because of my anemia, so i did. though i dislike the feeling when the white liquid gets through pass my throat. but i won’t lie that i do feel better after consuming milk daily. and today, i put some ice cubes into the cup before i pour the milk in. i have finished the milk and now the ice cubes are all left inside the cup. they are all slowly melting because the time doesn’t stop.