ok this is why being trans feels so liminal: in society we pretend like everyone is cis, but then in trans spaces where transness is explicitly accepted and normal, it's almost like cisness doesn't matter or it isn't normal. But as a trans person, when in cis spaces where you want to be normal and accepted, people can often hyperfixate on your transness, pushing you to depersonalize or just pass to stop the questioning. If you are in trans spaces, passing starts to feel, less relevant over time and ultimately meaningless almost? It's like some utopia where you aren't treated like less of a human for your agab body u didn't choose because people believe that you are your gender, and they don't get weird about you not passing basically. It's like in both contexts, we have to exclude some parts of ourselves, these two modes feel sorta mutually exclusive even if they aren't it's just really exhausting. It can feel depersonalizing. It reminds me of people who are of two nationalities only being perceived by an outsider by both of their home countries. Or biracial americans being say too x race for y people or too y race for x people. In a way I see white cishet men are the opposite of this. They appropriate and exoticize other cultural pieces and use them as their own whilst never explicitly accepting their own whiteness, maleness, heterosexuality, etc. rather than having joy about their identity they hate everyone else's identity because they hate themselves. They have shame about who they are but functionally are "prideful" in a way that doesn't come from confidence but fear and defensiveness. This kind of confidence is in-group out-group thinking that doesn't say anything explicit or even acknowledge the individual for what they actually are you are just disapproving of anyone who isn't your tribal identity. Refraining from giving others the benefit of the doubt because you don't see them as the same as yourself (real, good, worth it--what you identify as). This is stupid though because no one chose to be what they were born as, your goodness is defined by your behavior not your eye color or some shit. When you are trans, the reality that tribal identity is arbitrary really does shine bright, so bright that it hurts yet no one else can see it other than you and other trans people IF you can talk about. Trying to pass more doesn't feel like something you would talk about in a trans group, and things you did with your trans friends doesn't feel like something cis people wanna hear about-- but you CAN do it, and it is possible, and it would expose everyone to being and feeling more interconnected... though it destroys the group identity paradigm from the start so people often resist it. But this is what is real, ourselves, our existence, our reality of who we actually are and what we experience. That existing reality is resistance and simply speaking it to other people revealing it as real worthy and good is the best paradigm cracking thing you can do, it's the only thing that works, it's the only thing that's real, it's the exact product we are selling, we are marketing who we are organically no advertising just rawdogging our product into the market of who we are as good people. We are a niche market that nevertheless exists. An ecosystem with its own rules. A system that needs system integration. We need translators between cis/trans people like languages, culturally...we need economic consideration of transgender sigmas and cis people in trans spaces we need to all just make out or sum and idkthx for reading this far
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