euphoria

Ughhh I'm having some unhappy thoughts about my body and it needs to stop. I wonder if I'll ever be free forever? I wonder if I'll ever be comfortable in my own skin 😰😰

It's amusing how little I use this site anymore, yet sometimes I need to come back to get something off my chest. Usually it's something that just keeps going on and on and on in my head. And I need it to shut up. If definitely noticed over the past few years my depression gets worse in the winter months. I've always been aware of it, but this year it's really screaming at me. Most of the year I have split moments of being down, but snap out of it quickly. I'll think back to the time I was down and wonder, oh man what was I even thinking! How could I let myself shut people out and withdraw so much. Thinking that maybe I was better and it wouldn't happen again. But then it does. I'm withdrawn, I've lost interest in socialising, going to the gym, going to work is a chore, I just want to lay in bed and watch the days go by. I don't know why and I don't know how to stop it. I know it's getting bad because I'm getting anxiety about my appearance and food. I haven't relapsed in almost 2 years, and I still haven't yet. But it's scary because the thought process is slipping in to my days. I honestly had gone sooo long without ONE disordered thought. But now here I am, battling daily - should I/shouldn't I. I think back to the dears and the deceit and the miserable life and I know I am a much stronger person now. My body allows be to lift things and work and run and live. Why am I striving to be smaller and reach this unattainable perfection? The frustrating thing is, it is all so internal. I'm not one to compare myself to others. I admire people but my recovery has focused on seeing my own beauty and appreciate the things I have been given. Yet there is a dark root somewhere inside me that still doesn't accept that reality. Ugh. But why am I so uncomfortable in my own skin? What's going on in my brain? How can I go from being so positive about life to being an apathetic mess? Where is this unhappiness coming from? When I get like this - I hate anyone asking WHY? that's the million dollar question. Why? I can't blame it all on the stress of my brother cause I don't see that being the root of it? Anyway, that's enough from me again. Xx