Can you give advice on building a community around yourself? It seems like I can't get a grip on it.
1. State what you want clearly. Not even in a big picture way (although that’s good too, just choose your moments), just in a dropping emails to groups of acquaintances that are like, “I’m planning to take myself to such and such movie this weekend, who wants to join?” Do this stuff whether or not anyone joins you; that makes you look confident, doesn’t put pressure on other people, and sets you up as someone who’s reliable and seems cool to hang out with.
2. Don’t hang out with people who are anti-community. We all know these people – often we’ve been these people and then we grow a bit and realize that’s fucked up and work harder at not being these people – folks who view friends only as status and take a divide-and-conquer approach to their social groups. When you discover these people, call them in and expect better behavior or just stop hanging out with them. They can be community killers.
3. Be a fixer. A fixer is not a solver (that can be annoying and unwelcome). A fixer is someone who connects people and resources that can benefit each other. A fixer is the opposite of item 2. When you do for others, they will do for you, and what does it cost you to introduce like-minded people or tell someone about a great resource that’s relevant to their interests, or a job opportunity that fits their skill sets? Hint: It costs nothing. A rising tide really does lift all boats, and we live in a world where we all collect tons of info and random internet connections. Help connect other people to what they need, and they will help connect you to what you need.
4. Put together your own cheerleading/accountability squads. Online, that can be people you report your word or step counts too each day. Offline, that can be people you hang out with and do skills inventory with – are you a terrible cook but an awesome house cleaner? Trade tasks with friends so shit gets done without making you miserable.
5. Enjoy and utilize public spaces. Write at a cafe. Plan outings in parks. Do things where it’s not an imposition for friends of friends to join an excursion. Expanding your casual social circle lets you do more of the item 3 thing. When you regularly partake of public spaces you build casual public relationships with other people in these spaces. They’ll lend you bus fare when you lose your wallet or spot you a coffee on a bad day. You can do the same for them.
6. Don’t think any of this means you have to be an extrovert or have a lot of friends. Community is often just about accessibility and potentials.
7. Tell people why you appreciate them. Especially if the subject of that appreciation is stuff you don’t feel so good at yourself. From “I love how you do your makeup” to “I wish I knew how to organize my schedule like that,” a little praise can go a long way to people showing your their magic. And if you want help, again, go to item 1 – ask.
8. Be persistent. I’m upfront that people have to sort of nag and poke at me because of schedule, brain, etc. Also sometimes I’m just like “whut? why?” because I can barely deal with myself much less a new person. Someone who keeps poking at my areas of interest with clear intent and communication, often gets in (see: how many times did my cowriter have to email me before the thing made sense and registered on my brain and worked? a lot).
8. But be gracious when other people say no. A person who understands no kindly is a person who it’s safe to build community with. Cultivate this in yourself. Look for this in others.
9. Also learn to say no. Maintaining your own boundaries effectively means you can feel safer and more comfortable forging new connections with people, and won’t wind up in interactions where you feel resentful.
10. Recognize that communities are not a fairy tale and that safe space (versus safer space – it’s sort of like safe sex vs. safer sex) isn’t something that anyone can necessarily guarantee. Whether it’s a social circle, fandom, a professional organization, a network of poly relationships, sometimes shit is annoying, stupid, difficult, unpleasant, and imperfect. That stuff, when we deal with it, helps our communities and how we utilize them, get better. But we have to deal with it. And when we’ve dealt with it, we have to shut up, stop post morteming it, and go onto the next thing; try never to say you’re over something until you really are (because then you’re either in a position where you’re resentful or have to go back on your word, and both suck – trust me).
11. Recognize that making friends can be hard in all sorts of places for all sorts of reasons. If you’re feeling frustrated, those frustrations may be for your unique reasons, but they are not fundamentally unique.
12. You can only be who you are. I’m performative, but I’m still me. I’m that I perform, not the things I perform. Don’t try to be perfect, don’t waste time on how long you should wait before you call someone back or answer their calls. I know there are all these things about how to game people that started with stuff about how to catch a husband in the ‘90s and now are applied to friendships and work stuff, but frankly, just engage when there’s something to engage. Scripts are useful if you’re uncertain of stuff and don’t begrudge people who need them to function, but these sorts of manipulation rules are kinda crap. Just do your own weird thing. Someone will dig it.
13. Be honest about your successes and your failures. Is your life aspirational in some ways and a hot mess in others? Welcome to the human condition. Honesty about when you rock and when you don’t makes you accessible and makes finding people with compatible neuroses with whom you can build strong(er) social structures easier.
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