Self monologue

The disappointment felt when you try and tell a black and white story, make it clear who is light and who is darkness. Put up the figures onto the board and explain the rules in 5 word sentences. Clear, precise, efficient, how much more lead do you need for the storyline.

The disappointment settles in with the audience's ignorance. Questioning facts and giving opinions that play into theseses never made and never ought to be made.

I tell you about feminism, racism, freedom , equality, rights movements and other things that can not be controversial in this round of friends. I know my crowd, I expect a reaction, you surprise me again. You argue "but..."

I expect yes, so true, right, well said. I expect support, excitement, agreement and positive feedback.

Involving your ego has never been fun never been wanted never demanded.

Let me tell you white straight male, there is not many traditions or old wisdom I will be quoting in your face. Just one thing my friend: talking is silver, silence is gold.

Dear men,

When I talk to you about porn I don't want to hear that I should star in it. When I talk to you about sex I don't want to feel your thoughts wander to me and you. I don't want to be stuck in your fantasies, mate.

I am a woman, I don't want to be one of the guys. I want to be treated with respect without having to be ugly for it. I want to be seen as a person without denouncing my gender. I want to be pretty and nice without becoming an object. I want to be opinionated and heard without having to be repeated by someone with a darker voice and I most certainly do not care to mute myself so you won't be hurt.

With love,

Your beloved

Let me tell you about me

I share my whole day

Share all my life with you

In a better way

I soften my tone

Adjust contrast and brightness

You make my memory now

You make my happiness

You didn't have to be there

None more you need to know

Would anyone consider

Real reality beats show?

One needs to open their eyes

One needs to keep their eyes open

One must only yarn in combination with a full body stretch

One needs to detangle from the blanket

One needs to roll onto the opposite position of how they found themselves waking

One needs to get a bit too uncomfortable by sticking a leg or an arm out from under the warm cover

One needs to open their eyes again

One needs to make a noise (grunt, scream, sigh,...)

One needs to start counting down from 10

At 8 one needs to say fuck it and just get their lazy butt out of bed immediately into the shower.

Done with my own childhood.

Not planning of overseeing anyone else's soon.

Being with someone I love

Not someone to mate.

Being the person I am

Not the person I need to present.

Being no role model no more than a single entity.

Flawed, edgy, wrong, bold, wild, outspoken and loud.

Being a grown up child.

I can't go to the doctors. If I go I will have to tell them what's wrong and for how long it has been wrong. I will have to tell them the truth and I can't even tell myself. I will have to tell them I've had this problem for years and I've had that tingling feeling of knowing what it was.

I would have to sit there and know that I am stupid, that I should have come sooner, that I made it worse by waiting and that it's all my fault...

And then I will become seriously ill. Up until the diagnosis it's just me that thinks there is something wrong, but what do I know? Maybe that leg has always stuck out like this in some people, maybe a lump in the throat is normal and maybe that nail color is perfectly fine. But when the doctor tells me, with the diagnosis, that's when I get seriously ill. They KNOW, they will tell me facts, connect my bare feelings to reality. They will tell me I have cancer, hiv, ms, incurable monster disease!

So I won't go, and have a bad feeling instead. I am still alive, no diagnosis, no illness, just this feeling of knowing something isn't quite right.

Dear grandma,

My CV does not look the way you want it to be, my life looks the way I like it.

25 and about to start a Bsc, how did I get to this point?

By loving life not rushing through it

By living it to its fullest potential not expectations

By doing what I love and not what I must

By being me and not who you think I should be

Watch me conquer the world with open arms and a warm heart. Watch me be someone special my way. Watch me learn what I am interested in and watch me be happy.

Watch me do it all.

At my own pace.

If I was to speak the way I feel most comfortable in, only very few people could understand me.

I would mix English and German midst sentence, sometimes midst word.... Don't even ask how that is a thing my brain feels comfortable with.

Do I have to go and befriend all the Dulwich yummy mummy's nannys to be fully understood?

All I want is to speak fluently, think uninterrupted, articulate clearly and stop losing my wit and and spirit in translation.

Winter depression is over

We say

The spring is here

We lie in our arms and cheer

Hurray hurray

We welcome the spring

We jump up and down

We pat on our backs

Congratulate ourselves

Well done you made it

Rejuvenation awaits

Tress stretch their fingers

Flowers look up

The World looks refreshed

We're here to restart

-

But I sit and stare

Inside of my house

Watch rain turned hail

Pressed against glass

All the light has disappeared

Left me empty inside

I might as well go

In May this year

Veni vidi vici

You think the Aida would have been heard of more often, if they had called themselves "AID Action"?....

Or ABC (Affect Cognition Behaviour)

He brings me coffee to bed, whilst I am still asleep.

Sits down quietly in the corner. I can only hear his hands. Tap tap tap rushing over the board whilst I am still trying to unglue my eyes off each other. He looks over and smiles, he has a meeting in 5 minutes. I sigh, embrace the 2 minutes left before I hastily withdraw, hair dryer, fresh clothes and a hair brush pressed against me I close the bedroom door as the zoom melody appears. I stand behind the closed bedroom door for a second, which has become the office door at 9 am. I wish we could afford a second bedroom.