☆ ║ ᵍᵒᵈ'ˢ ᵐᶤˢᵗᵃᵏᵉ

❛  and  the  day  came  when  the  risk  to  remain  tight  in  a  bud  was  more  PAINFUL  than  the  risk  it  took  to  BLOSSOM.  ❜  

the  airport  is  crowded,   as  always   —   incheon  international  is  a  bustling  hive  of  activity,   handling  5000  flights  per  day,   18  million  passengers  per  year...   so  to  find  the  one  young  lady  he  plans  to  receive  here  is  going  to  be  tough.   an  extra  complication  arises  from  the  small  groups  of  fans  who  have  spotted  him  despite  his  baseball  cap  and  face mask;   one  thing  to  say  about  his  unusual  colouring  is  that  he  stands  out  even  before  considering  his  handsome  features  and  impressive  physique. 

          still,   for  now  they're  keeping  things  respectful.   true  fans  of  his  know  that  he  hates  being  photographed  without  permission  on  the  streets,   so  a  few  have  approached  to  ask  for  a  selfie  with  him  ( he's  gladly  obliged ).

          but  now  he  takes  his  own,   pinging  it  over  to  nic's  number   —   the  first  photo  exchange  they've  made  since  meeting  online  months  ago.   seems  like  a  reasonable  time  to  break  the  streak.

          it  isn't  like  he's  going  to  drag  his  friend  around  on  a  bar  crawl,   especially  after  what  happened  last  time  they  drank  together   ( yoosung's  infamous  hangover ),   so  zen  is  going  to  keep  a  closer  eye  on  the  younger  tonight  and  avoid  places  where  just  alcohol  is  served.   after  all,   swapping  one  unhealthy  habit  for  another  is  not  constructive.  

          but  that  doesn't  mean  they're  not  going  to  have  some  fun.   and  he  knows  that  the  blond  might  resent  him  for  dragging  him  away  from  that  damned  computer  game   —   he'd  whined  something  about  a  ' raid '?   —   but  in  zen's  eyes,   it's  truly  for  his  own  good.   there's  a  wide  world  out  there,   and  yoosungie  is  already  an  adult:   he  needs  to  see  some  of  it.   live  some  of  it.   they'll  have  a  good,   safe  time,   and  return  home  before  it  gets  too  late.  

a  day  filled  with  stressors.   the  young  actor  leans  against  an  outside  wall,   fresh  from  rehearsals,   reeling  from  receiving  a  significant  rejection  yet  having  also  received  a  lucrative  offer  for  another  production   —   one  he  hadn't  even  thought  to  audition  for,   but  they'd  sought  him  out  specifically,   built  the  character  proposal  around  him.   it's  a  lot  to  take  in  at  the  same  time  as  bringing  his  previous  production  to  a  close,   the  finishing  night  only  a  week  away   ( just  push  through,   get  through  these  last  few;   evening,   evening,   matinee,   evening... ).   zen  loves  his  job,   and  he's  grateful  for  the  work;   still,   even  he  can  reach  a  state  of  burnout.

          minding  his  own  business  for  the  moment,   he  reaches  to  his  pocket,   drawing  out  a  dark  package   —   black  angel  cigarettes,   one  of  his  vices,   particularly  in  times  where  his  head  feels  about  to  explode  with  racing  thoughts.   and  he  slides  one  from  the  box,   holding  it  between  fingers,   before  patting  his  jacket  and  jeans  down  for  something  to  light  it  with.   damn.   

          he  catches  the  eye  of  a  lady  nearby,   flashes  a  smile.   her  dress  sense  has  him  suspecting,   rightly  or  wrongly,   that  she  may  be  able  to  help  him  out.   " you  don't  have  a  lighter  i  could  borrow,   do  you? "   he  jerks  his  head  at  the  cigarette  perched  between  fingers,   making  it  clear  what  he  needs  it  for...   but  then  his  eyes  are  drawn  back  to  it  and  linger  there,   reconsidering. 

PUT  A   ♡  IN  THE  ASK  IF  YOUR  MUSE  HAS  A  CRUSH  ON  MINE.

WHEN  HAD  HE  BECOME  SO  CYNICAL?   to  this  extent,   where  eva's  words  sound  idealistic  and  painfully  naive.   everybody  lies,   uses,   cheats.   everyone  continues  forth  towards  their  own  goals  and  leaves  others  in  the  dust.   ( despite  his  own  desires,   he  dares  not  give  chase;   his  only  lie  is  to  the  life  he's  living,   yet  even  that  he  does  for  his  family   —   or  perhaps  to  spare  himself  from  the  pain  that  would  come  from  their  rejection,   were  he  to  step  out  of  line ). 

          pulling  back  out  of  a  parking  space,   hyun  shifts  his  car  into  drive  and  emerges  onto  the  open  road.   in  the  darkness,   the  white  and  red  of  other  vehicles'  lights  are  dazzling.

          in  honesty,   he  could  trace  his  distrust  back  to  his  school  years,   even  as  young  as  elementary;   the  people  in  the  streets  who'd  take  his  photo,   point,   stare;   the  teachers  who  lavished  him  with  extra  attention,   unwanted,   singling  him  our  when  he'd  rather  just  disappear  into  the  background.   others'  motivations  were  a  mystery  to  him,   then.   not  anymore.

          " do  you  believe  that  about  me? "

          as  he  asks,   the  doctor  pauses.   the  question  his  own  then  begs  is,   does  he  believe  it  about  her?   evangelique  has  never  been  anything  but  a  delight  to  have  in  his  life,   certainly,   but  then  again,   he  still  struggles  to  understand  why  she  sticks  around.   he  has  plenty  to  offer,   but  all  of  it  lies  in  status.   he  doubts  that's  what  motivates  her,   but...   what  else  is  there?

          " i'm  not  sure,   myself.   i  don't  think  i've  ever  felt  that  way. "

There were times when Zen could be a bit… what was a good word for it? Narcissistic? Or maybe… self-obsessed? He may even spring for something like cringe-inducing at times. There were times when he opened the chatroom on his phone while walking between classes, only to see a selfie posted with more than a big of bragging, and a bit too much encouragement from Jaehee. But, at the same time, there were instances when he truly did feel like Zen was a reliable person. Someone he could come to with his worries who would support him. A shoulder he could lean on. More than Seven, who might not understand the severity of his problem, or Jumin, who was probably the last person anyone would seek out for any sort of emotional support. Jaehee, too, was too busy. She had enough on her plate already. When Rika's arms were no longer held out to him, and he distrusted V too much to even consider him an option, he found Zen waiting for him. There were instances, too, where Zen tried to offer some unsolicited advice that wasn't taken to heart. Little things about how he needed to quit playing LOLOL to get a girlfriend, and how he needed to change his diet and work out more. These were often ignored on his part, dismissed outright. While they weren't untrue, they seemed like large steps. Too large for him to try and take reliably. But… he recognized the thought behind them. That Zen was speaking from a place of concern. In that sense, Zen was a bit like an older brother to him. One who would tease him on occasion, sure, but who was still there for him. He was someone who could be relied on, someone to run to when things became a bit too much. So, at the end of the day, the encouragement offered here still retained its weight. 'Keep trying and you'll succeed,' he could say, so casually, with so much certainty. How could Zen sound so sure of something that was so difficult to predict? There was no way to know, was there? There was so much uncertainty in the future, so much he couldn't know until he let go of the past. As hard as that felt, he couldn't hold on forever. He needed to keep trying. That was the key. He wasn't there yet. “You… think so?” he asked, searching for any semblance of that certainty in his own tone. “I hope that's true. I really do want to find a way to succeed. Even after everything that's happened… I can keep trying, right?” Even if it seemed difficult. Sometimes even impossible. “And someday, I'll find a way to bury her in my heart. Like Jaehee said.” He drew in a deep breath to steady himself. “Thanks, Zen. I appreciate it.”

THERE   WERE   OPPORTUNITIES   open  for  zen  within  the  rfa   —   more  than  gaining  publicity  to  fuel  his  blossoming  career   ( though  that  doesn't  hurt ),   it  gives  him  a  rare  chance  to  right  some  of  the  wrongs  he'd  been  cursed  to  endure  in  his  earlier  life.   with  the  younger  members,   he  can  be  the  older  brother  he'd  never  had,   but  always  needed;   an  encouraging  voice  and  shoulder  of  support.   in  some  sense,   he's  gaining  redemption  for  his  abandoned  family  members.   found  family  is  what  truly  matters  to  him,   now.

          recognising  the  uncertainty  that  shakes  yoosung,   and  has  been  quivering  through  him  for  quite  some  time   ( even  before  rika's  absence,   perhaps? ),   it's  only  right  for  the  actor  to  step  up  with  reassurance  and  guidance.   he  remembers  how  it  felt  to  lose  his  family,   though  the  circumstances  had  been  rather  different.   still,   that  doesn't  change  the  loneliness  that  followed,   nor  the  sinking  into  respective  vices   ( himself  into  thrill-seeking  and  alcohol,   yoosung  into  online  games  and  pushing  the  limits  on  his  university  studies ).

          what  he'd  needed  back  then  was  an  older  brother  to  keep  him  safe.   stable.   he'd  eventually  found  that  in  v,   though  it  had  taken  a  few  years  for  them  to  meet.   perhaps  he  can  help  yoosung.   at  least,   he'll  try.