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I've been putting off writing for some time. maybe today is not the ideal day or the ideal time, as I find myself disturbed, anxious, impulsive and apathetic. less apathetic now. even because I managed to cry a little today, I softened up. when I see myself like this, negative, complaining, ungrateful, insensitive, impatient, rude, and everything bad. I feel doubly bad about how it affects the people I love the most and care about me the most. I keep asking myself why I do this, and deep down I want to believe that this is not my essence. I don't want to be remembered as that kind of person, I don't want them to think I'll never change, that I'll always be like this. and I don't want anyone to live with me for fear that in the future I will act in this senseless way and cause conflict, create intrigue, pinpricks, in exchange for nothing, in exchange for feeding baseless paranoia. a paranoia that has already been talked about and talked about and talked about and understood and understood and understood, until suddenly it doesn't understand anymore, until everything conspires and I need to think I'm right and make myself believe that I need to act like this yes to defend my point of view sight, to defend my authority, to defend my importance, to grow my ego, to defend my worth. "my choices, I know what I do", if it's not my way, I don't like it? if it's not my way, do I not approve? I do subtle manipulations, body expression, suspicious tone of speech, deep breaths, looks. everything very well designed to show what I like and what I don't like. as if the world needed to revolve around me. as if I had the right point of view of everything. as if I wasn't turned off. as if I wasn't forgotten. as if I wasn't naively too optimistic. I need to write more, looking at these lines, I reread what I just wrote and I understood a little better the power that writing has. It's all horizontal. Thought does not get trampled. While with my thoughts, in a moment I find myself both accusing and defending myself. at the same time not wanting and wanting. unable to support decisions in a sane, rational, positive way. surrender to the affliction, even though I am in a bad moment, I keep making the wrong decisions, the wrong words, blaming whoever passes in front of me. erupting, as it grows, the air diminishes, suffocates and propels me. I try to brake. more momentum. I inhale five, exhale seven, inhale five, exhale seven. sometimes it works. other times, it's already too late. the climax subsides, stability slowly returns, and I rethink everything I've said, done, thought. As an embodiment, I transfer the blame for my actions to that person who I don't identify with, but who I transform. and I move on in conflict between apologizing to those who passed my way, and trying to take the weight off my conscience, and blaming actions that even I don't think are right. how much immaturity. how much mistrust. How can I give my word, if suddenly I seem to have forgotten everything that was talked about, decided, if suddenly the will of everything is about what I think, it's about what I think, it's about what I approve or leave to approve. for me, this has a very well defined profile, the profile of a child. maybe that's not what it means to awaken our inner child, certainly not. this metamorphosis needs to be the representation of an intersection between who I no longer want to be, and who I seek to be. but until when? There are days when I'm super confident and feeling prepared to deal with all the adversities that are in the day to day of my relationship, the splashes of insecurities, and up front more problems coming, it seems I'm unbeatable and I'm prepared for all this. But there are times when I just want to hide inside a box, and give up everything. as if I were a fake. how can i give my word and in moments of weakness i want to run away? the ideal is to put a magnifying glass over these moments. run away why? because I feel that I will make a lot of mistakes, I feel the disapproval looks on me, I feel the pain of regret for not being able

to be the person I idealized to be in the future, to be the rational, mature, without impulses person, who loves himself, and knows deal with adverse situations with lightness, simplicity and reason. I think the problem lies there, in the reason. I'm very emotional and impulsive, and rational only when I'm stable, but when I'm unstable, taken by the desire to do what I want, when I want, and why! I'm not rational, maybe not at all. knowing this about myself I decided that I will no longer act when I am unstable, since at least this I know how to recognize when I am not balanced. I can even make decisions, but I will not act. however, not everything is avoidable, typing a rude and impulsive message is very fast, it's in the palm of your hand, how do you throw your cell phone away, take a deep breath and say "calm"? it is complicated How do you stop mistreating people who never purposely treat me badly? people who are there without doing me any harm. Why do I need to mistreat people? Why do I need to feel that people are unfair to me? Why do I think I'm so fucking valuable that people have to treat me well all the time and I can't tolerate being mistreated? I leave my boyfriend always on the brink of fear that I'll get something wrong, he always wants to please me, and sometimes not even when something is his fault or caused by him, he apologizes to me, when the whole situation was me creating a drama on top of a situation he felt guilty about. Why do I always need to be the victim? how emotionally manipulative am I being in my relationship? Why do I want everything to be settled as soon as possible so that I can have the pleasure of living the life I always idealized? On the one hand, I understand that it is taking time, I recognize many points, but on the other hand, I have a person giving me all the support, attention, disposition, and putting too much trust and effort so that everything works out. why can't I be “content” with that? why do i always need more? nothing is ever enough. I can't be grateful for everything I have, since nothing has yet achieved everything I want. … not long ago I started to be grateful for where I am, for what I have, for what I do, but not long ago, and I have done it infrequently. in moments of a lot of negativity, it seems that I can't see the immensity of everything, life seems to be limited to my desk, and the clients and pending works, I fail to see the beauty in the good things that are happening. I'm not charging myself to become a totally alienated and naive person, positive and good vibes. but rather a person more grateful for everything he has. I miss it so much in me, I don't feel light ever again. I didn't want to keep associating it but I felt better during the period I was medicated, but it seems like a trick of fate, every time I schedule the psychiatrist a very real impediment, and nothing flexible, happens preventing me from going. When I don't have time, I have money. when I have time, I have no money. and this lasts for many months. I'm sure if I had kept the treatment, I would have been feeling better, I wouldn't have caused so much hurt in people. I would be passing more confidence through my emotional stability. it's as if with the stress, the bad mood, and the impulses, I was just a 15-year-old teenager angry, with hormones in full bloom. when in fact I already need to act like a 23 year old woman. and that's how I felt when I was in two months with the antidepressant and tranquilizer, through my calm, my lack of impulses and my stress, I felt more like a woman, I felt more valuable, I felt more myself, as if that beast was tamed, the beast that sabotages me daily. but how can I make this beast fall asleep, without needing medicine? when I can't have discipline in activities that are healthy for me? when I live with disorganization, even though I have more than fifteen agendas, several checklists, organization programs, my day is still always confusing, and I see living alone as a solution to all this, a place that I am absolutely sure I will know how to manage

Existe. Se existe.

O saltar de cada passo, apoiado no que parece ser sua única esperança. O olhar sereno de quem não sabe. Não sabe.