WhyAmIHere

So here we go again. You’re here; in my life. It’s not a bad thing but being friends kills me because I want to claim you. I want you. I want you to be mine again. I have this sense of addiction when it comes to you. I have no idea why but you’re always in my head. We talk about a lot of shit. Like I said, it’s not a bad thing but I need you. You’re the pain that I crave. Bringing up the past sucks ass but when you left I needed to find similar pain that you made me feel. Similar feeling of feeling like shit everyday or suffering. Tattoos, war, it’s not the same. Yes shit has happened and shit has changed but I need you to understand that I’ll fucking risk everything for you.

We both talked about that song lucid dreams and how we both thought about eachother when we heard it. I still listen to that shit everyday and think about the past. It’s shitty that you’re right in the palm of my hand and I can’t close it to secure you in my life. You know regardless you have my heart and you’re always going to have it. Any other female that I’ve fucked or dated or whatever doesn’t compare. You set my standards. No one else but you can meet those standards. I’m almost home so you don’t have to worry about “what if this” or “what if that”. Every time I leave I come back. Regardless of what it is. The shittiest thing is that I got so deep into this army shit when you left because I needed to get my mind off of it. I needed to keep my head on straight and after almost losing it more than once I know where my head needs to be. You’re still everything to me. Some things you do really pisses me off but it’s not my place to say anything but I show that I’m mad and I try and brush it off. It’s hard but I do.

Still haven’t heard from you since mid day Christmas. Everything seemed so perfect. Christmas Eve we acted like a family again. You even said it felt right. Now you’re not talking to me or anyone else. I don’t know if you’re confused or just trying to push me away again but you know damn well I’m not going to give up on you. I can’t. We haven’t officially been together almost a year and a half. I still think about us. I still carry pictures of us in my uniform. I still wear my ring on my dog tags when I go down range. I just want you and the baby to be happy. It doesn’t have to be with me but of course I would like it to be with me.