“he’s the only doctor we know. and it would give him some peace of mind, if eren was able to give a second opinion about how iris is doing. and he knows that it might make you uncomfortable, and i tried my best to stop him, but he won’t budge.” mikasa reasons. 

you mimic her motions, twisting around to lean against the counter, optioning to place your head on her shoulder. she welcomes your touch, placing one warm arm around your shoulder and squeezing hard. 

“you don’t have to be here when he comes.” 

you shake your head. 

“i can’t leave iris. even if he’s going to be here.” 

four years ago, you wouldn’t even be able to fathom the current situation you were in – standing in your kitchen, being comforted by your ex-husbands girlfriend, over the boy that you were hopelessly pining over. 

four years ago, you would have still been nestled into the little rustic house that you bought with jean, giggling over the keys of your first adult endeavor of house owning, still two cities over. iris was still six at the time, watching eagerly as jean pulled his hamstring putting together the little swingset the two of you gifted her for her birthday on your first night in the house, and you wouldn’t ever anticipate anything changing. 

except everything had changed. for the better, because the two of you made an extremely amicable split. no hard feelings, no immaturity – just two very dedicated co-parents determined to make the best of the situation. something seemingly antithetical to the relationship that you had with jean – riddled with horrible, rash decisions. like getting married at twenty years old. and having your first child at twenty-one. 

granted, things eased up as time moved on. the two of you shifted from two very awkward people who used to be in love, to being the best and only thing you knew how to be – family. mikasa joined around two years after the fact, and was not only the natural buffer to the arguments that the two of you tended to have, but also a very good friend. a natural edition to your rotation. 

jean pretended to be irritated at how close the two of you had gotten. curling up his nose at the fact that the two of you would hang out without him present, absentmindedly share recipes, and exchange your tupperware from sharing food all the time. but deep down, you knew that it filled him with joy – that she had blended in so seamlessly with the three of you, because more often than not, he knew this was entirely against the norm. 

and maybe even more than family, jean and mikasa were thoughtful friends. spending all of their free time secretly plotting to find the perfect fourth for you that would complete the family. you knew it was out of the goodness of their heart – that a part of the situation tugged at their heartstrings, that the two of them had each other, and you just had them. 

that there was a part of them that felt guilty for leaving you alone when the two of them were together. that it felt like a compensation, that you had introduced the two of them, so in return, they need to hold up their end of the favor. 

enter eren. mikasa’s childhood best friend from back home, who had very recently moved to the city, to complete his fellowship in pediatric emergency medicine. 

the first time you met him, you had every intention to ignore the premise that jean and mikasa had presented to you – that he was single, that he had a good stable job, made decent money, and was extremely intelligent and charming – and decided that you were just going to be friends with him. 

that endeavour proved extremely difficult when you realized that he was trying to do the exact opposite. whatever jean and mikasa had said about you was something that had clearly piqued his interest, something that only intensified when the two of you met for the first time at a small party thrown by the jean and mikasa for iris’s soccer team. 

you two were the only adults besides the hosts, left with an infinite amount of time to speak. 

it filled you with an irritation. that everything jean and mikasa had said was right, only you felt like they were selling him short. because not only did he have a good stable job and made decent money, he was filled with so much passion that it was so endearing to watch someone speak about their calling. that he was intelligent and charming, thoughtful and kind, and almost too good to be true. 

it went well. too well, because soon after, he was slowly melting into different parts of your life. he joined you on the morning runs that you went on, always stopping by for dinner on nights that jean and mikasa had iris, offering to fix up the old swing that was broken and left abandoned in your backyard. 

he was the first person to kiss you in almost six years, and quite honestly, made you realize that you hadn’t really kissed anyone before him. at least not in the way eren did, the way that left you breathless and begging for more, a warm searing sensation that plagued you even when he wasn’t around. 

that was until last week. last week, when he asked to meet iris properly, and you realized that this was too close for comfort. that the deep thoughts you were able to push down when the two of you were hanging out, when he kissed you for long enough and made you forget about everything else, were suddenly bubbling to the surface and impossible to contain. 

that he should have no interest in wanting to be with you, not when you came saddled with more responsibility than the other twenty-eight year olds that he knew. 

for one, almost all of his friends were around his age and in the same predicament as him. armin, connie, and sasha. other twenty-eight year olds who had sacrificed almost all of their early twenties to their career, that resembled you at twenty years old, a little too eager to make the world their oyster, responsibilities be damned. 

second, you came with a child. not just the fact that there was a child whose feelings were involved, but the implications of what the two of you could be were extremely limited by the fact.

that not only would the situation have to be extremely serious because she was so young, but that there were too many expectations that came with him being around, too many that you felt unfair to saddle eren with – that he would be expected to be a good role model to her, that for all intents and purposes, this would only work if he could mold himself to fit into the family the way mikasa had when that might not even be what he’s interested in, in the first place. 

and third, maybe most importantly and definitively, you were scared to be with him. granted, this was not the part that you confessed. it isn’t one that he’d ever be privy to, that you were afraid that the two of you would be just like him and jean, a quick and impulsive decision that would ruin something special forever. 

not that you and jean were ruined. if anything, you wouldn’t change the relationship that you had with him for the world. but it was hard at times – hard to reconcile that this wasn’t the future that you imagined for yourself, that you would live a street down from your him and the love of his life, silently remembering that there was a time that you imagined that stable, quiet lifestyle for yourself and it didn’t exactly work out. 

that for all intents and purposes, your original attempt at a family had failed. and you’d rather nip things with eren in the bud, to prevent yourself from ever having to deal with the fact that he might disappear all together – something, you reason, you just wouldn’t be able to stomach. 

“when’s he coming?” you ask. 

“after his shift is over. said he was going to bring a few things, just as a precaution just in case we need them, so he wouldn’t have to run back and forth, if it was something that was emergent.” mikasa offered. 

you nod in response, swallowing down the acidic bile that had risen up in your throat, with resolve about one thing. that this was only one night, that you could make it through this. 

--

your internal clock, the one that had grown too accustomed and attuned to eren, was still intact. because just as you predicted, eren arrived promptly at 8:15. his shift ended at seven, it took him around thirty minutes to switch with the fellow who was on the night shift, another ten to walk to his car, and with traffic, thirty-five minutes to get to your house. 

you couldn’t help but take the back burner when he got here. letting jean and mikasa handle the pleasantries – to deal with letting him in, profusely thank him for agreeing to see iris even though he was most definitely tired from his shift. 

only because you had to deal with the aches that were simmering in your chest, definitely compounded by all the recent stress, and his absence. the sound of his voice, the crinkle of his eyes when he responded – that he diligently remembered to take his shoes off by the door the way you liked, his retorts that he’d come running to help iris no matter what happened, that even though his appearance was betraying him, he’d never be too tired to help us. 

“so where’s my patient?” 

“upstairs, in her room.” you respond. 

eren’s eyes immediately flickered to yours, quick to prompt a warm and almost painful smile in response, as his eye immediately twitched. you could reason that it was because despite the fact that he was the one who had just gotten off a twelve hour shift, it was you who definitely looked worse. 

“lead the way?” eren asks. 

it was hard to not retort in the way that was natural. 

“you know your way around, eren.” you murmur. 

he shoots you a real smile this time, one wide enough to display his dimples, as he curtly nodded and tracked his way up the stairs. for your own sanity, you pretended that you didn’t notice jean and mikasa shooting each other a look, the two of them quietly whispering behind you as the four of you tracked into iris’s room. 

the lights were still dim, the little humidifier going off in the corner, as eren set his backpack down on his feet, crouching down on his legs to lean by the side of iris’s bed. she was still slightly pink in the face from the coughing fit that she had earlier, her eyes robbed of all of their tears and notably exhausted, as eren shot her a polite smile. 

it was hard not to admire eren. there was a part of you that knew deep down that he was good at his job. extremely good with kids, the way mikasa and jean had made an effort to point out to you almost hundreds of times. 

their words did little justice. because in the span of the last twenty-four hours, you had yet to see iris so happy. laughing along with all the dumb jokes eren was sprinkling in with the tests that he was doing – giving her a chance to listen to his breathing the way he was listening to hers with his stethoscope, explaining thoughtfully why she was having such a difficult time with the change of the weather, carefully detailing how she was going to use the new nebulizing treatment that he had brought specially for her to jean and mikasa. 

“and last thing. you’ll want to remember this one when you’re feeling all better, you have to remind your mom that the doctor prescribed ice cream from farrell’s after soccer practice every friday for a whole month, okay?” 

eren shoots you a smile, one that you glare at in response. 

“a whole month?” iris asks, her eyes wide in wonder. 

“maybe even two.” eren retorts. 

you retreat to his side, crouching down on the side of the bed, and jabbing him in the side. you note that he makes a point to exaggerate his wince, earning him a laugh from iris, as you reach forward and press one last kiss to her forehead. her skin was still warm under your lips, eren making a quick gesture to talk outside. 

you reached over and pressed one last lingering kiss to iris’s cheek, before shutting the light off, the four of you retreating back down to the hallway and closing iris’s door behind you. jean and mikasa had already promised to watch her throughout the night – another compensation for the twelve hours you spent fending for yourself watching her on your own. 

“thank you for coming, eren.” you respond. 

eren shoots you a smile. 

“anytime.” 

“seriously. someone needed to dumb down the treatment so that jean would know how to do it when i’m not around.” you responded. 

your comment earns you a laugh from both eren and mikasa, and a simmering glare from jean that most definitely earns you the next retort. 

“right, eren. it’s too bad your work here isn’t over, though, we’re so very grateful at how generous you’re being. now, you can focus on dealing with your other patient.” jean responds. 

you wrinkle your face in confusion. 

“who are you talking about?” 

“you, obviously.” jean responds. 

jean shoots you a glare, before turning to eren and giving him a peachy smile. 

“don’t worry. she may look like a grown up, but she’s mentally sixteen. self-righteous, self-sacrificing, self-sabotaging – whatever word you want to use for it, the way everyone acts when they’re that age. right up your area of expertise.” 

mikasa elbows him in the side, giving him a glare, before turning back towards the two of you. 

“we’re going to go ahead and set up in the guest room. the downstairs area is all yours, so feel free to go ahead. talk, sort it out, catch up! you know, everything in between.” mikasa states, giving eren a rather insistent glare, that you find particularly hard to ignore. 

jean slings his arm around mikasa’s shoulder, pressing a kiss to her temple as the two of them shuffle down the hallway, and you and eren retreat back down the stairs. you make a mental note that jean was going to hear it from you tomorrow morning. 

upon what you’re assuming is mikasa’s request from that very pointed look, eren very carefully trots behind you into the kitchen, following you back to where you lean next to the candle warmer again, as you fidget with the fraying end of the towel next to your dish rack. 

“i’m not quite sure what she gave you that look for, but don’t feel obligated by whatever mikasa told you to stay. i’m positive you’re tired, and you’ve already gone out of your way, so don’t feel a responsibility to stay here.” 

eren hunches down over the counter next to you, leaning so close that your elbows are touching, as he extends his hand out to you, palm up. you debate the premise for a fact, that holding his hand would mean something, before abandoning thought all together, and placing your hand into his, running your finger over the jagged skin on his palm – a scar that you know he earned from playing soccer when he was a kid and falling palm first onto a barbed, metal fence. 

“what if i want to stay here? on my own?” eren murmurs. 

“i’m not quite sure why that would be the case.” 

eren shrugs. 

“i guess it’s partly about what mikasa told me. but the premise still stands, that i want to stay here, all of my own, because i don’t think i could stomach going home when i know you need me here.” 

the bluntness of his words takes you off guard. the implication of them too.

“i don’t need you here.” you murmur. 

eren shakes his head. 

“i don’t think that’s true.” 

you wait for him to elaborate. it takes him a second, the silence between the two of you elongating, as you rub circles into the palm of his hand, amazed that his hands could be so soft for someone who did such technical work all the time, but then again – this was only the first of things that really perplexed you when it came to him. 

“mikasa is the one who called me.” 

“she told me it was jean.” 

“jean called me about iris. but she called me about you.” eren clarifies. 

despite the front that the two of them had, you always knew deep down that mikasa was the one who was the meddler. and this just confirmed it, that jean was the one who went along with it. 

“you know what she said the hardest part of watching iris be so sick was? it was watching you. that despite the fact that it’s hard for anyone to have a sick child, to be stressed out of their mind and worried that they aren’t making the right decisions when it comes to her health, it’s even harder to watch you go through it alone.” 

you sigh. 

“she said when she got here, while jean was still making his way out of work, that she could tell that you had been crying for hours. that it must have been frustrating, watching her in pain all alone, not having anyone to ask, or anyone to go to when you barely felt like you were doing the right thing.” 

“it wasn’t hours. it was five minutes. and it’s bound to happen, i’m sure jean cried about it too.” you retort. 

eren shakes his head. 

“he didn’t. he just called mikasa.” 

“i get it. i should have called them earlier instead of freaking out about the entire thing on my own. point noted, i won’t wait twelve hours to ask for help next time.” 

eren lets out an almost exasperated sigh, before squeezing your hand in his, his warm fingers crushing yours in his grasp. the sudden nature of the movement makes you retract to look up at him for the first time, at his very piercing green eyes that were filled with an almost endearing irritation as he looked over at you. 

“you’re impossible.” 

you smile. 

“isn’t that your favorite thing about me?” 

“not when it’s against my favor.” eren responds. 

you frown. 

“you’re no fun.” 

“neither are you. you make an awful amount of unfair assumptions about everyone around you.” 

“unfair?” 

“unfair! first and foremost, you're being entirely unfair to jean and mikasa. they weren’t setting you up with me because they hated leaving you alone when they left, it’s because they hate seeing you alone. those are two entirely different things. they know you have a tendency to self-isolate, to be incapable of asking for help, because you’re convinced that you can do everything on your own. and they know that’s no way to live and most definitely don’t want that for you when they care about you. not because they feel guilty for leaving you alone, but because they love you so much. because they want you to have that companionship too.” 

you pinch your lips together in a line, taken aback by the bluntness in his tone. 

“second, regardless of whatever happens between us, you should have known that i would have dropped everything to come see iris. i don’t need to hear about it from jean and mikasa, because you should know – surely, you should know that i would do anything for you, and by proxy, anything for iris.” 

he stops to smile. 

“she’s a sweet girl. just like you said, just like her mom, and it’s why i wanted to meet her so bad. not because i’m trying to force myself into your family, or maybe i am, but i felt it was only fair, that you loved her so much and she meant everything to you, and i love you so much and you mean everything to me.” 

you can feel your throat dry. eren never told you that he loved you. 

“and third. you have to realize how self-serving your own internal monologue about why you discarded me to the side was. you didn’t want to saddle me with the responsibility of the fact that you came with a child? did it ever occur to you that i wanted every responsibility that came with you, especially if it was a child? i’m a fucking pediatric doctor, i spend all day and all night talking to kids, because i genuinely love them. you don’t think that your child, especially your child, would be the most endearing thing to me. was it not obvious that i’m all about you? child, and self-sabotaging and weird ex-husband and girlfriend pseudo-family included?” 

he stops for a second, pausing to mull over his thoughts, and speaks quietly for the first time. 

“i know you think you’re robbing me of some opportunity to go act like the rest of my friends. to spend the rest of my twenties partying or clubbing or whatever it is that they’re doing. did it ever occur to you that you’re actually robbing me of the one thing that i want? which is you?” 

you lean forward, resting your temple against his, the premise of his words, the love laced underneath his very self-righteous anger shaking you to your very core. and instead of saying what you actually thought, you resorted to the one thing that was familiar, again. 

“some pediatric doctor you are. you just dropped the f-bomb like she isn’t upstairs.” 

eren groans in response. you can’t help but laugh, noting that he immediately smiles at the sound and leans back, his warm hand coming up to cup your cheek. 

“she’s sleeping.” he whines. 

you loop your arm around his waist, slightly moving him to point at the little candle warmer in the center of the island, the green oak and moss candle at the center, leaning into his side as you whisper. 

“i’m all about you too, even if i have a really shit way of showing it. i even put the candle on when i was crying because…because it kind of smells like you. and the green on the little decal, it kind of looks like your eyes.” 

eren’s whispering voice is warm near your ear, accompanied by a featherlike kiss to your hairline.

“i did that on purpose so you could use it when you miss me. granted, i didn’t think you were going to send me running for the hills and meant it more as a oh he’s busy at work type of thing, but i’m glad it fulfilled its purpose.” 

eren pauses. 

“i have one like it too. smells all flowery, like your pantene shampoo.” 

you roll your eyes. 

“you hate candles. you made it very clear that you think they’re a waste of money.” 

eren shrugs. 

“not a waste when it reminds me of you. and provide me the pleasure of feeling like you’re at work with me, since i keep it in my office.” 

you reach forward, pressing the little switch on the side of the stand off, before turning back and looping your arms around eren, beckoning him as close to you as you could, before looking up at his glimmering green eyes, that were filled with an almost nervous anticipation. 

“why’d you turn it off?” 

“i have the real thing with me. i’ll resort to only using it when you’re not around, which…which hopefully won’t be that often, since that’s what you wanted me to use it for.” 

eren grins. 

“for when i’m at work.” 

“yeah.” you murmur. 

“because i’m allowed to be here besides that?” eren asks, clarifying. 

you nod. 

“whenever you want. especially since you met iris and -” 

eren cuts off your response with a swift and warm kiss to your cheeks, one that sent a tingling feeling all the way down to your spine and unlike any of the other kisses he had granted you. sweet, warm, burning hot. but this one was different – familiar. too quick, too easy. almost out of habit. 

like it was going to happen hundreds of times, him cutting you off in the middle of a conversation you were inevitably going to have.

--