at war, with myself

I hope that in time, (they) know that what course to choose, what job to land and what would make (them) happy.

no. but i'm disappointed at myself for letting things go more than what it should have.

my friend already told me to stop. my brain wanted to do the same thing but this stupid heart only hears more of herself

I allowed him to treat me the way he wanted. To treat me in a way that would soothe him.

The saddest part is, i allowed him to. i let him

We met thru a dating app. I think we clicked that moment. He started giving time. He was awake during my work hours (I worked graveyard shift that time) We would watch movies all throughout my shift. And I enjoyed it. I enjoyed his company. I enjoyed our messages. I felt so seen that time. Until the first warning sign showed up. He asked me if I wanted to be his girl. I told him that I wasn't ready, that I wanted to know him more before I step into this relationship but he kept on insisting. I was too afraid that I would lose him so I agreed. I don't know what to do. He is my first 'actual' relationship.

Second warning sign is that he becomes agitated when I don't do what he wanted. He likes me sending some upper chest nude pics from me. We fight about this. I'm so afraid sending him one because it might leaked and I don't know what to do of such thing happens. But I don't want us fighting. i can't deal with him if he's like that, so I did it. From pictures to videos and me being afraid that something would happen to me anytime. But to tell you honestly, that moment, I felt liberated. Like thrill of doing something illegal. I liked it somehow.

Third warning, he asked me to be part of his business. He had this computer business where he would customized personal computers based on what the buyer wants. He said, he lacked money and asked me to invest half of the computer he was trying to build. Again, with temperament of not getting what he wants. I did helped him. Not sure of having return of what I have invested but for some reason, I put my trust. Blind faith. Until my investment grew still not getting anything back. i am trying to forget the amount that I have spent. Maybe that way, I wouldn't hurt my finance though it really did. Fourth warning, he is not talking to me. Basic updates were okay to him. Good mornings, What are you doing are enough for him but to me, it wasnt and it should not. I noticed that my question were not asked back. I don't get the same intensity when we first started talking. It's like I'm getting to know him more but he wasn't interested in me. I beg for more of this time and I know I shouldn't beg for something that I should get freely. When I tried to communicate this with him, he just dismissed it. Like it is something we should talk about. Like I'm just having my own drama show in my head. Writing this, makes me sad. I am directing this huge affection for someone who doesn't plan on returning it. Am I angry at him? No. But I asked myself why I still pushed so far though he doesn't have energy to give it back. Am I learning from this? Yes.