See Below

Science Saturday | Week of Dec. 27 2015 - Jan. 2 2016

Every Saturday, See Below gives a list of real science headlines to our editor detailing what happened the past week scientifically. The editor then comments on each headline without reading the article.

“Tiny shark that glows discovered in the deep ocean” - Fox News

Editor: I’m glad to know that millions went towards finding a tiny glow in the dark shark, a toy I’ve had since I was six.

“US military says robotic pack mules are too noisy to use” - The Verge

Editor: The Romans had their legions, the Greeks had their Spartans, and the Japanese had samurai. The US... we have ass-robots that we can’t even use.

“Congress to NASA: Hurry up on that 'habitation augmentation module'” - UPI

Editor: It is understandable why congress would want virtual life so quickly seeing as they’re all dead robots on the inside.

“Rise Of The 'Social' Robots: NTU Singapore Unveils Nadine, The Chatty Receptionist” - Forbes

Local doctor won’t tell us cure for cancer until black ops defeats his fort

Caption Closet | Persian Muhammad, Christ, Abraham, & Moses in Prayer

Every once in a while our janitor will find a priceless piece of art while cleaning out the junk closet. Unfortunately, these pieces of art often have no descriptions, so we send them to our team of world-class historians to come up with historically accurate situations that the art may be depicting. These are the captions they came up with for ‘Persian Muhammad, Christ, Abraham, & Moses in Prayer’.

“Ye are weak, brethren. Lo and behold the fire of mine mixtape.”

“It came to pass, the hot wings did catch fire to the Lord and his friends. And it came to pass, milk of goat did not help, nor celery of the fields, nor ranch of the Hidden Valley.”

“This prank hath gone too far.”

- Image: The Washington Post

Scientists renaming other animals after they name newly discovered glowing shark ‘Ninja Lanternshark’

Bill Underwood, See Below science correspondent

Recently, scientists discovered a shark that glows, and they named it the appropriate ‘Ninja Lanternshark’. The silliness could no longer contain itself with scientists so they went on a drunken renaming binge of the world’s most treasured animals. Here are some of the new names they came up with.

Was: Baboons

Now: Samurai Buttmonkies

Was: Indian Cobra

Now: Cobra Kai Dangersnake

Was: Panda

Now: Kung Fu Greyscalebear

Was: Macaw Parrots

Now: Arrrgh Matey Rainbowbirds

Was: Henry from HR

‘It’s Pronounced Sherbet, Not Sherbert’ says Asshole Who Apparently Knows Everything

Bendasnoodle Crumpherpatch Slated to be Marvel’s Next Leading Man ‘Doctor Strange’

Dennis Rodman Claims his BFF Kim Jong Un is "misunderstood," because he "grew up on the north side."

Romney Butler Fired Friday After Tweet, "[he] is doing just fine now not being prez. he'd rather not have a job anyways"