secret gardens

EDWARD BLUEMEL as LORD GUILDFORD DUDLEY in

as he said those words back, it felt like the patched up wound in her heart split open all over again. she had opened this door and already she wished to close it. this was a night of celebration. it didn't need her dramatics. and yet, she couldn't help herself, "you have?" she questioned as she looked up at him. her eyes were wide, searching his. she needed to see if he was telling the truth - if she even know what his truth was anymore. she quickly looked away from him, though, as he continued. "i know you are." she nodded. if there was one thing that she knew for sure, it was that. how sorry he was, was not something which she doubted. if he had decided what it was that he wanted was. that was what stopped her from telling him that she forgave him. she wondered if there was anything which was going to staunch this bleeding.

callum nodded, finally glancing over to find her eyes — his cheeks flushing a bright red, “i have. i’ve missed you more than words can describe.” he hesitantly stepped closer to her, a hand reaching out to take hers. callum gently squeezed beatrice’s hand before his thumb traced her skin — he was anticipating her pulling away, and he thought maybe he shouldn’t have crossed her boundaries, but he couldn’t help himself. he had to feel her touch, even if it was the last time. callum could’ve sworn his heart was about to beat out of his chest as he held onto the one thing in life, the one person that gave him hope. “i love you, bea. i don’t deserve to say those words, but i love you. i’ve never stopped.”

The door slams in the wake of her entry into his lodgings. The courteous thing would have been to knock, and wait for someone to let her in. But Thea was not one for courtesy at the best of times. And this, decidedly, was not one of those times. She was happy for him, somewhere deep down. Knew he had found a good thing. Wanted for him to have his fairytale ending. Really, she did. But that does precious little to stifle the voice at the back of her mind, the one screaming about how unfair it all was. That he would get to ride off into the sunset with the love of his life, while their parents plotted in the background to have her wed off to whatever noble would still consider her. And, perhaps more childish still, that she had to share him. That he would no longer be just her twin, but someone's husband, someone's father. That he would no longer carve out time for her.

"Theodore Robert Alwyn," she says, barging into his bedroom like she lived there. "Please tell me you spoke to father before proposing." A pause, enough time for Thea to stomp her own feelings of prospective betrayal down until it was but dust. "What did she say?" Did she even have to ask? The answer was written plain as day on his face. In his eyes. He was practically glowing.

teddy was on cloud nine; he felt a happiness he never thought possible — he was to wed miss georgiana hermance, he was to wed the love of his life. but, he'd seen the look in thea's eyes when he told her he planned to propose and it tugged on his heart, making it ache. he knew what that look meant without her having to utter a word. she was the center of his world, his very first friend, his sidekick. there wasn't a memory that existed without her intertwined in it, without her laughter dancing like a melody. he felt guilty that his happiness, his marriage, might make her feel like she'd experienced a loss. remorse filled his chest, how was it fair that thea would be married off for the highest bid whilst he got to marry the woman who made his heart flutter with just a single glance. he vowed to never let thea feel left behind. she'd be his other half until his dying breath.

"where are your manners?" he chuckled, his voice low with sleep as he sat up. a faint flush painted his cheeks and he shook his head, "i wrote to him after i proposed." teddy hadn't wanted his father to interfere, to tell georgiana she deserved much better. "i figured they wouldn't mind the surprise," a shrug, though he knew that wasn't the case. teddy had always had a habit of keeping secrets from their parents, so why would he stop now? his face lit up when she mentioned the proposal, a dreamy grin on his lips. he practically had stars in his eyes. "she said yes," teddy hummed, reliving the moment. "i love her, thea. and she loves me. can you believe it?" he asked as he looked at his sister with breathless awe.

“are  you  quite  certain  it  is  no  trouble?  we  might—  well,  i  am  certain  a  single  missed  lesson  shall  not  impede  his  progress  greatly.”  but  ambrose  had  been  most  insistent.  he  had  stood  tall,  squaring  his  small  shoulders  with  all  the  might  he  could  summon,  and  declared  that  she  must  bring  him.  precisely  on  time.  as  he  always  met  with  mister  lakhani  on  such  days.  how  was  she  to  explain  that  the  day  held  other,  more  pressing  demands?

delight had fluttered through avi's chest when his gaze had met charlotte and ambrose — always a welcome surprise, despite avi not being completely ready for visitors. his hair was a bit disheveled; he hadn't had a chance to run a comb through it since he'd awoken. he was focused on reading a new book to get his mind off of the social event later in the day — events always gave him terrible nerves. but this? this was far greater than any book he could lose himself in. running his fingers through his hair, he nodded eagerly, a smile ever present on his lips, "i promise, miss pembroke. it's an honor to tutor such a bright boy...i truly wouldn't dream of missing a lesson. he shocks me each time." getting ready for the elopement celebration could wait, he was needed here. cheeks flushed, he ushered the two inside.

"Oh, we wouldn't dare wound a poor, fragile man's pride," she laughed, feigning distress at the very idea. "There are some lies simply worth letting." Her side pressed into Maude's and she nodded with committed agreement. "Damn the corsets, and damn the patriarchy!" she cried, hoisting a wooden spoon into the air. "Come forty, we ride!"

The ease with which they changed tunes was enough to assure Evie that this would be a friendship that lasted the test of time. But she was tiring of people taking pity upon her. A longing for love did not mean she was without it - on the contrary, Evie had never been more surrounded by more sorts and varieties and iterations of love than she could name or number. Maude's love was particularly unique, and she wouldn't have traded it for any romance in the world. It was both, or nothing. She giggled. "Oh, I know I will."

Thorpe - her best friend was smitten with the cousin of her adoptive sister-in-law (at least, that's the space Juliet held in her heart). It selfishly brought her joy and excitement that perhaps all the corners of her life may intersect, and she would never have to worry about becoming a lonely old maid. Still, she could see the trepidation clear as daylight in Maude's eyes, and she knew the topic would require gentleness. "Love is scary? I fear what you have experienced in love, then, Mo," she chuckled, joking, of course, but the kind of joke that only had wings because of a shred of truth hidden within. Her face scrunched, not quite understanding the questions. "What's all this of 'what if'? Love you back? Firstly, if he is to look upon you with anything except adoration and devotion, he shall meet the smart end of my clenched fist. Second, Mo, and listen to me very carefully - true love does not change its mind. It meets these fears with compassion and softness. Your fears will have a home in someone who truly, deeply loves you. Love is not the partner of fear, it is the antidote."

"men are so delicate, are they not?" she jested with a coy smirk, "with ever the most breakable egos." maude gave evie a knowing look, one that said she wasn't exactly joking. "damn the patriarchy!" she squealed as she threw her arms around evie, laughing boisterously — surely disturbing the the entirety of mayfair's peace and quiet. maude grinned proudly at evie, "you shall be our fearless leader, my dear."

evie's life was rich with love and evie gave that love back tenfold ( with a scoop of ice cream on top ). maude could rest easy at night knowing evie had friends and family who celebrated her, who adored her. but a part of her couldn't wait for evie to find her true love, not because she was any less of a woman or had a life that was empty without it, but because maude so desired seeing evie lovestruck. she simply couldn't contain it — she wanted to watch her dearest friend get giddy, have stars in her eyes, and wear a breathless smile. "i hope you do," she hummed, poking evie's nose, "because i simply can't imagine living one moment without you here."

deep down, despite how wild maude could be, she knew her father loved her. and she knew that the woman who raised her loved her but, her real mother didn't — and that would echo in her mind until her dying breath. that rejection would live in her heart forever and she was terrified of hunter leaving her once he realized she wasn't worth the trouble. the look in maude's eyes was one of utter fear, a look that few people ever saw, but one that she trusted evie with completely. she raised a hand, gently brushing it against her friend's cheek, "you are too good to me, evie huntington." maude let herself sit in evie's words for a moment, soaking them in the very same way she soaked in the summer sun. "my hero," she mused, giggling softly as she blinked away tears. "hunter does that. he quiets my fears," maude whispered, as if she spoke it too loud it would no longer be true, "do you think he could love me?"

Diana Blair was of the opinion that a ship at sea was a perfectly terrible place to have a party, and that an elopement was a perfectly ridiculous way to marry, but she was here anyway, celebrating an elopement on a ship at sea. It was a necessary sacrifice to be a member of the ton, to take full advantage of the opportunity that Josephine had given her. Although it was hard to take advantage of anything for the first half hour as she familiarized herself with the sway and swell of the deck. She spent the time watching a handful of over eager couples stumble their way through dance sets, with varying levels of success. The sight inspired Diana and, once she trusted her legs to keep her steady, she set off in search of Callum Sinclair.

They had first become acquainted in the final years of the war, when they were both helping to rehabilitate injured war horses for her majesty’s army. It had been the best way either of them could contribute. Now, Callum was making his debut despite being too old for such a thing, much like Diana, but, unlike her, he seemed ill equipped to do so. She’d offered her assistance in a number of areas, but most relevant at this moment was dancing. 

Callum was exactly where Diana expected him to be, at the edge of things, as if he were trying to hide. She curtsied when she reached him, ever the demure debutant. “My lord, I believe you promised me a dance.” Of course he’d done no such thing, but it was the best way to convey that it was time for him to practice what she’d been teaching him without saying it outright.

there was an unsettling feeling in his chest as he turned to stare out at the water, one that told him he was stuck — between the mysterious, dangerous open ocean and the overwhelming party on the deck. the only place callum felt anything remotely to safe was holding onto the railing, albeit with white knuckles. and he couldn’t help but wonder if he would be stranded in the middle of things forever — never fully allowing himself to live free from anxiety, never finding happiness because he had a tendency to break things.

diana’s voice shook him from his thoughts, his jaw dropping open as he searched for his words. had he agreed to a dance without remembering it? he couldn’t possibly step onto the dance floor in the condition he was in. “miss blair,” he bowed his head, his cheeks flushing as he tried to find his words. “i-i did?” a question that he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer to — not when he could barely walk on the ship deck without feeling wobbly. “i’m not so sure i’d be the best dance partner today,” the look in his eyes was pleading, but if he knew anything about diana, he knew she didn’t give up easily.

A DRESS that fits a tad too loosely and seems to be out of season. slippers that her heel comes out of if there's a large gap between her legs when she walks. signs that indicate maybe she doesn't belong there. that doesn't stop her from pretending. maintaining a facade had come naturally to her and now was no different. with her chin held high, she approached the table of refreshments. in an attempt to appear nonchalant, she curls lithe digits around the first crystalline glass that comes into view. the cup is brought to her lips, parting them to quench her thirst. citrus bursts across her tongue, nose scrunching in disgust. manners go entirely out the window as she spews the drink out, liquid landing on the deck and . . . on someone who had been passing by. for a moment she is stunned into silence with her mouth hanging open. what exactly was the protocol for accidentally spitting out your drink onto someone? “ i i am so sorry ! ” head turns in search of something to aid in cleaning them up. can hear her heart pounding in her ears as she grabs a nearby napkin, holding it out to them. “ i did not mean to you must forgive my manners. i am deeply sorry, really. ”

oliver made his way towards evelina, eager to greet her. it was rare that the two got to spend much quality time with one another with work, and the like. running his fingers through his hair, he crept up beside her, only to be immediately doused in a fizzy spray of whatever she’d been drinking, straight from her mouth. a look of exaggerated horror twisted his features before he broke with laughter.

"oh, trust me," oliver chuckled, taking the napkin from his younger sister, "you've done far worse." wiping his face, he composed himself. "do you remember when you got so mad at me when you were this high," he gestured to his waist, "and you marched into the house with a bucket of mud and threw it at me?" he raised a humored brow, "i can handle anything now."

theodosia stood quietly off to the side of the ship, her hands resting gently on the railing as she stared down at the water below. the waves lapped rhythmically against the hull, dark and mysterious, whispering secrets only the sea would ever know. the wind tugged softly at the edges of her dress, but she barely noticed. her thoughts were far from the breeze or the creaking boards beneath her feet. they were somewhere deeper—beneath the waves, perhaps. she didn’t mind engagements, not really. it was the performance of it all that wearied her. the careful choreography, the practiced smiles, the way every word was weighed and measured. she couldn’t help but wonder if she was simply not made for such things. maybe she was never meant for knotted fates and gilded compasses inscribed with declarations of love. maybe simplicity had always been meant for her. a quiet cottage. a sun-warmed garden. a life unburdened by expectation or spectacle. she was already twice married now. twice bound by promises that hadn’t she didn't understand. she leaned forward a little, letting her gaze sink into the frothy waves. the sea looked almost inviting in a way that frightened her. not for its danger, but for its promise of escape. the sound of footsteps behind her broke the stillness. she didn’t turn right away. instead, she spoke softly, her voice barely louder than the wind. “pardon… i was only looking at the waves,” she said, her tone calm but distant. “i’ve heard stories of mermaids since i was a girl. tales of them waiting just beneath the surface, curious, watchful. i wondered if i might spot one today.” she finally turned her head, offering a small smile, more wistful than amused. “i think it would be easier to believe in mermaids than in love sometimes.”

with a beaming smile, teddy all but threw his lanky upper half over the side of the ship as he rested on the railing. "miss hermance," he dipped his head, noticing her gaze remaining steady on the water, "don’t tell me you’re planning your great escape.” tales of mermaids — he smiled fondly, remembering the days of childhood when he and his twin, thea, would run from their parents and hide. thea would tell teddy all about the creatures she’d read about and teddy would listen with wide eyes. he still believed in those creatures. perhaps it was naivety, perhaps it was hopeful thinking, or perhaps it was his sister’s story telling — he still wasn’t sure.

"i feel sorry for the mermaids,” he spoke with a smile, as his eyes scanned the horizon, “they must get tired of swimming all day and night, don’t you think?”

her words washed over him, making his heart ache. teddy hoped she didn’t truly struggle with believing in love, but the look in her eyes was said that her words were honest, vulnerable. “do you think mermaids fall in love?” teddy asked, a gentle smile tugging on the corners of his lips.

On a deck he felt the most at home and free than anywhere else. The music was loud, people were dancing but he led the way doing the style of when he was sailor and not the style of society. Much better. Livlier. "It is better to join in than to watch," he calls out to the eyes that hadn't left him.

as guests began to dance, a wide grin curved onto his lips. avi enjoyed basking in other’s warmth and happiness — he just preferred to do so without drawing attention to himself, which meant he would be steering clear of dancing. he was cursed with two left feet and he didn’t want to make a fool of himself. avi’s eyes found one of the grooms and they lit up as he watched him dance. tobias seemed carefree and so happy and avi was thrilled for him — but when tobias addressed avi, his heart sank. “oh…,” he shook his head, a polite smile, “i’m not so sure about that. i don’t even know how to dance, i wouldn’t want to throw everyone else’s rhythm off.”

a wedding celebration was something which was always going to cheer beatrice up. and this one held a particular romance to it, she thought. an elopement, she thought, was a way to tell the world that the love these people had was enough to withstand anything. they could climb over even the highest of walls - together. and as much as beatrice hated the idea of being at a thorpe even without her cousin (not having seen juliet that evening), she couldn't help but getting wrapped into the romance of the evening.

she'd gone below deck, to take a look at the paintings which she had heard about and her heart skipped a beat. she hadn't seen him since that night at the sinclair estate and she wasn't sure if she wanted to run to him or if she wanted to run away. instead, she took a couple of deep breaths, stood a little taller and moved to stand beside him. she studied the painting that he was looking at, letting a moment of silence pass between them. "it's beautiful, don't you think?" she questioned, her voice barely even a whisper. she kept her gaze on the painting as she spoke again, "i miss you." that was even quieter than before.

despite it being a bright and sunny day, callum felt miserable on the deck of the ship and it wasn’t just the sea sickness. he knew bea would be somewhere close and looking at her would only tear him apart on the inside — and he couldn’t help but fear that she’d attended with someone else. she likely had many suitors vying for her heart and with callum out of the way, maybe she’d found true happiness. but the thought of it stung his aching heart and caused his chest to tighten. he felt the panic rising in his body and he knew needed to escape the crowd and find somewhere to breathe, alone. below deck, callum was shielded from the beaming sun and he explored the paintings that were displayed — hoping to escape in them, find new worlds to distract himself from the one he was living in. he found himself standing in front of a painting of a couple holding hands, looking out over the water — their fingers intertwined and the woman had red hair, just like beatrice. suddenly, he was lost in a world where he and bea ended up together happily and in love and a soft smile curved onto his lips. callum thought he was daydreaming when he heard her voice — the very voice that played over and over again in his dreams, the very woman he chased every night as he slept. callum struggled for words. “it’s very beautiful…it reminded me of you,” a soft admission as he glanced at her — terrified, but desperate to find her eyes again. though, she wasn’t looking at him. her next words wrapped around his heart like an embrace, making him all sorts of emotional. “i miss you too, bea,” his words were a whisper, “i don’t deserve to miss you…but i have every second since we parted.” his face was hot and his head dizzy, fear burned in his chest. he glanced back at the painting, cowardly, before adding, “i am so sorry for hurting you.”

It was agony to be here. Of course, she was most happy for the wedded couple. If not quite surprise and confused regarding the younger man. Love, however, was uncontrollable. Even those who claimed to be against the prospect of marriage, such as Tobias, was not immune to love's wiles. But how could one be at a wedding when they could not be with the one they love most? The moment she spotted Avi amongst the crowd on the ship, her heart ached for her to be with him. It ached to apologize for her letter and for vanishing since the Baron's Cup, hoping that he would forgive her. That he would admit that it's been agony as much for him to not have been with her these past few weeks. That he ached for her.

Her heart ached for Avi. Yet her brain, fearful, ran away.

Breaking her promise to Josephine had not been intentional. She had meant to tell him about her feelings. And yet, instead, she foolish secluded herself from him. Disappointing the man and their pupils as well. The image of rejection had coursed through her mind and became far too unbearable. She couldn't tell him how she felt. She was much too afraid to. And now, she's lost him.

Taking a moment in the captain's quarters, Safiye tried to breathe. Sipping away at her lemonade, too anxious to try the rum just yet, while her thoughts kept returning to the man. As always, he looked so beautiful. It took everything inside of her not to kiss the man and confess her feelings for him. As her mind race, she heard the door to the cabin open. The woman wincing and beginning to turn around, believing it to be either of the married couple. "I am terribly sorry; I promise I was about to leave—... A-Avi?"

Her eyes widened and she froze. It was him. The man she's loved in secret for years. The man she has hidden away from since the Cup. The man whom her heart ached for with every beat. The man whom she has missed horribly since she last saw him. "I... What... Wh-What are you doing here...?"

location: piet's ship

when: may 1813

an elopement was surely something to be celebrated — avi loved love. the way he poured over sonnets and love stories as old as time, delved into the love letters of abelard and heloise, and dared to dream of a partnership like that of queen nefertiti and pharaoh akhenaten. he’d studied love as if it were a great mystery — something to unravel and discover. and maybe it was, for he had never found himself in love — unless what his heart did every time he saw safiye was love. and if it was, he knew it’d be unrequited love, the most tragic of them all. as he walked through the crowd, he didn’t speak much — his timidity grabbing ahold of him on the rocking ship. avi stood straighter than usual, not from confidence but from nerves. and his coat was too tight across his chest, he’d forgotten his gloves, and the sun felt a little warmer than he’d anticipated. he was overwhelmed and yet — he watched it all in awe, in admiration, and in reverence. there was an aching longing in his heart that he couldn’t shake. a ache for the trembling sweetness, the giddy smiles, and the and the utter devotion of love between the married couple — something he desperately wanted in his future.

quietly, devotedly, and in secret he wanted safiye.

but, her letter had left him with a scar on his heart. not one he blamed her for at all — she had other duties she had to prioritize. avi didn’t deserve all the time she’d dedicated so selflessly to him and helping him tutor the children of london who were most in need. and he was so grateful for all she had done, but he knew safiye was a noblewoman and eventually that would take her away from him. avi missed safiye’s voice, her warm presence, and the joy she brought to his heart. and once he’d stepped foot onto the ship, he’d been looking for her. he wasn’t sure he’d have the courage to speak to her, no, but he just wanted to see her and make sure she was alright.

however, he managed to watch her slip away — and he had to follow. call it madness or blame the love in the air, but avi suddenly had a surge of boldness coursing through his veins and he so desperately wanted to talk to safiye. he wasn’t sure exactly where she went, though, and he found himself searching in rooms nearly frantic to find her. avi opened yet another door, fully expecting to be disappointed by a quiet room but his heart stopped in his chest. she was there right in front of him and he couldn’t find the words to speak.

+ bonus :

REGÉ-JEAN PAGE as SIMON BASSET BRIDGERTON — 1.02: “Shock and Delight” (2020)

"That's bloody majestic."

Of course the confectioner's daughter was fraternizing with the food. The chef gave her sample after sample, not only because she claimed she could not possibly be satisfied with one plate of scarce selections alone, but because the moment she had a taste of bisque in her mouth and rattled off a litany of ingredients she could identify, he was damn near insistent. Even the fruits were delicious, exotic and fresh, and she could feel her palette bouncing from salty to sweet to savory to umami with each new bite.

Evie returned the tasting fork and found herself with another almost as quickly - a cured sausage, smoked, with fragrant bits of rosemary and thyme browned and embedded in the flesh. The ritual began again: a good look at the presentation, for she knew people ate with their eyes first. Then the nose, nearly pressed against it to let the aroma sweep round all corners of her mouth, like the way the bouquet gives one the first flavors of wine on the tongue. Finally, to the mouth, where mastication and pleasure functioned in equal measure to bring enjoyment and conclusion to the flavor experience.

"Oh, hell," she laughed, mouth still full, "that's ruddy brilliant."

She asked the chef if she could have a bundle of any raw, leftover thyme to take with her back to the parlor - it would make a wonderful essence for ice cream. With that, she thanked him, and excused herself to return to the party - it wasn't every day a Huntington had the chance to experience the dizzying heights of upper class, and she intended to make the very most of it.

Still, on her way out, as she made her way through the halls below deck to rejoin the party, she opened her light blue reticule, picked up a stem, and held it to her nose - this would be a night Evie made sure she would remember.

she was thrilled that evie was attending an event — maude couldn’t wait to tug evie along on an adventure. but first, she had to find her. a thought popped into her mind — the kitchens! surely that’s where evie was, so her feet carried her below deck, steps light with anticipation, as if each one carried her closer to her friend. slipping into the bustling warmth of the kitchen, maude casually plucked a few strawberries from a serving tray, popping one into her mouth before turning to the chef to ask if he’d seen an adorable blonde recently — but maude was quickly shooed out of the kitchens, a pout on her lips. where could she be? rounding a corner, nearly defeated, maude’s eyes lit up when they landed on her best friend. “i’ve been looking for you everywhere,” she hummed, looping her arm with evie’s, “what do you say about a little adventure?” a brow raised, a coy grin on her lips, and a pleading look in her eyes.

Thayer believed for a maddened moment that his mind if playing cruel tricks again. Sleep, denied for so long, has finally intruded and conjured Kit from the depths of longing. A ghost with color in his cheeks, fury in his voice— it's an echo of nights that they thought would be their last, laced not with desperation but a need he'd never quite understand. He was something in the midst of this pacing that he could walk toward, or run from.

But dreams do not burn like this. The sun is always cold wherever his mind wanders to, and Kit's hands feel like nothing at all if he thinks of him then. His presence, the heat of his breath, is all real in this moment. Too warm, too sharp, too alive to be imagined. The room feels small, and the fields he had longed to return to are nothing compared to this. He feels like this is home, even if the foundation is falling apart in front of him.

Exhaustion leaves him in brief admiration. How many days had passed, how many cold nights?

Thayer doesn’t flinch when Kit presses a finger to his heart. He catches his wrist instead. It's gentle, as if the fury wound tight might shatter if he held too tightly. Slowly, deliberately, his fingers slide down to the back of his hand and press Kit's palm flat against his chest. He laces their fingers together like a lifeline— no, he knots them together.

"It is not my intention, Kit, please—what are you doing here?" But he doesn't push him away, doesn't even want an answer. It's part of some facade, some habit he breaks from. "I am trying to keep my word to you, I mean it— I—"

He cannot bring himself to say it, but not because he doesn't believe it. If he says it, Thayer knows he will relinquish every other promise to only hold that one in his mouth.

kit’s breath caught in his throat — from surprise, from the way thayer didn’t push him away. thayer chose kit’s touch, despite the anger behind it — thayer chose to pull him closer, to steady him gently, when kit felt himself coming undone. as his palm rested against thayer’s chest, he swore their hearts began to beat in synchronicity — and the heart beneath his hand was his entire world. when thayer intertwined their fingers, an emotional sigh slipped through kit’s lips and he squeezed the other’s hand — thayer was his tether, his anchor and he needed to be tied to him forever.

“i came because…,” he stumbled trying to find his words — he knew his feet had moved faster than his brain. “because i needed to see you. i needed to make sure you were still here, even if you don’t want me.”

all he wanted was to bury his forehead against thayer's chest, be enveloped in his arms, and beg thayer to kiss away the pain. "you don't have to do it right, thayer," he begged, "you do everything so well, so much better than you think. but you don’t have to do everything perfectly.”

"you need time," kit repeated thayer's words solemnly, letting them fall from his tongue — heavy, bitter. "all you have ever needed from me was time. when will it run out, thayer?" he felt like every moment thayer needed was time stolen from them and he knew that was selfish, he knew thayer couldn’t devote himself to kit — but he couldn’t help but feel robbed of a full life with thayer. the man he’d love until his pulse stopped, even if he was the cause of kit’s death, even if he held kit’s barely beating heart in his hands and dropped it. kit knew he wasn’t blameless, but gods he was trying to repent. he was fighting on the frontlines of thayer’s army — taking every bullet, wincing through every slice of a sword. and he wondered, when would it kill him?

“i love you, thayer. can’t you see that? can’t you see that with each breath i take, i am desperate to show you how adored you are? how sorry i am for every bit of pain i’ve caused you?” kit’s voice was a trembling plea. “i love you,” he sobbed — the very vow he wanted to whisper into thayer’s lungs each morning and each night, in this life and in all the rest because kit knew in every universe, in every dimension they were soulmates. “i love you.” hands found their way to thayer’s cheeks, his thumbs brushing against thayer’s warm skin, “i love you, but you need time.” dropping his hands, kit took a step backwards — immediately feeling unmoored when he wasn’t clinging to thayer for dear life. his throat grew tight as tears formed in his eyes and he cursed himself for being so emotional. “and you know i’ll always be here desperately waiting for you to love me back.”

a tear fell, kit’s heart jumped, and he closed the space between them again, collapsing against thayer’s chest. “i love you and you don’t want it.”