My Imbalance

Welcome to my silly little blog. If you're here I hope you're scrolling has offered you some semblance of a will.

Let me know if you'd like to be moots!

I can do IRL moots if you're based in London (UK).

16+ as I am 20 <3

Feel free to browse my thoughts, and witness my shenanigans.

but i want myfriend back i want the friend that used my name and my pronouns and respected me and had faith in me and told me that i was smart and i believed her because shewas my friend and friends dont lie and i dont think she wouldve lied and i really liked her and i want her back

i refuse to believe there is a male loneliness epidemic because they always blame their inability to talk to women like ho is you dumb and then when you ask them about their friends turns out their friends don't talk about anything worthwhile - its all superficial. no woman or human being wants to talk to someone that doesnt tell you whats going on in their life be for real.

and then its your immaturity. i cant be friends with someone that blames you when you rant like it was high-time you got blocked anyway. fuck you and your lonely ass. dont go expecting women to solve your problems

its not the same hanging out at your grave. fucking its lonely. its fucking lonely because no one wants to come with me because its too hard on them but atleast they fucking have a fucking support group and other fucking friends and i have fucking no one and i regret making friends

i shouldve dropped out i shoudlve dropped out then killed myself i should have killed myself before

it takes three hours to get to beachy head. im planning on visiting her beforehand and leaving some yellow and red roses. then I'll get to clapham junction station take the SWR and just bus and hike it from there and fucking jump because fuck this shit and fuck doing my assignments when all i can think of is my dead fucking friend

i'll leave enough money for m rats and my hamster and it doesnt matter anyway because ill be dead and they can all fend for themselves because they fucking deserve it i did everything i did paperwork i called up people despite self harming afterwards because of how much i hate phone calls and talking to strangers I explained shit to them and yet i am the problem

why are you acting like im not sad. why am i acting like im not slicing up my skin why am i acting like im fine why do i have to smile all the time why why why me

my friend is dead. my friend is dead and everyone is just living and im here ready to die finally. my only regret is not dying at 12. or 13 or before now. anytime before now.

i want my friend back. i want to talk to her about shit nobody else wants to listen to. about my eating disorder, about dpression, about dying, about fanfiction, about gay characters that totally should be canonically gay, about essays, about how horrible me hair is and how she keeps her hair nice, about how im hungry, about how shes tired, about how shes in pain (again), about how im in pain (again), about hanging out, about life, about anoying family, about university.

The one friend I liked is dead. i have no one to reach out to.

The other people i am 'amicable' with are near to impossible to hang out with. Cancelled plans. Dead groupchat. Hey wanna hang? No i cant.

no effort to see when they can hangout next. I cant do this. i want my fucking friend back. Im so fucking lonely. I've memorised the journey to beachy head. I have an unsigned will i need two witnesses to sign but i donthave anyone to sign it.

I have an ado and yaosobi concert to go to that I wont be able to go to because im going to kill myself.

i have things on my bucket list im never going to be able to do. Im never going to have a normal life because im miserable all the damn time. I tried. I tried everything. nothing has worked.

My friend is fucking dead. and I have no friends left. everything i work so hard to build falls apart. everything in life is fleeting. memories are fickle. memories of her voice betray me. memories of anything remotely enjoyable betrays me. there is no permanence in my life.

Soooo my friend died of natural causes. I mean thats great really. not like i wanted to tell her a bunch of stuff next time I see her. or like wanted to go to the txt concert with her LIKE WE PLANNED AND LIKE I FUCKING BOOKED (TXT concert in london by the way). o i didnt go with her i thought she was just too ill to check her phone but actually she was dead.

and our lasts text to eachother was me being like 'broski dying' and her being like 'fr' and her being like 'hope i dont die before wednesday' and me being like call the gp tomorrow at 8am and ask for an emergency appointment because you need one, do not wait till wednesday.

and then she fucking goes and dies on Friday because friday was tomorrow and fuck sake I told her to go the hospital on thursday I told her to go i told her to just go but the doctors always fob her off and I told her to go to go to go and I wanted to tell her that I was switching to her course and I wanted to show her my new tattoos and I wanted to tell her eid mubarak today and I wanted to tell her so much. I wanted to tell her that she missed the txt concert and give her one of the banners that I got and I wanted to tell her that I managed to get new rats but she died before she even knew I found two new rats to get and I wanted her to meet my rats because she wanted to meet me rats and I wanted her to meet my rats. and I wanted to go to nandos again together and to write fanfic together and I wanted to celebrate her birthday because I wanted to and I wanted her to and I wanted our friendship group to meet again but they are always so busy and me and her would just hang out and be like man I wish the others would just miss their lessons and meet us because I missed my lecture and seminar to meet them and I wish we could hang out again because I didn't expect her to die because she had so many things I had so many things we had so many things we wanted to do and I wanted us to be friends forever.

because she was one of the first proper friends I made at university and I wanted us to graduate together. because we made friendship bracelets together and she bought be and then brought me posters for my accommodation room and because we baked cakes together and ate them together and sat around the table and ate them together as a friendship group and because I finally finally made a friendship group a group i always wanted to make and I wanted to make one because I never had proper friends before because nobody ever liked me or likes me and she liked me and she said

she said she liked listening to me talk and she liked it when I spoke and she liked to listen to me ramble and she didn't mind having a bulimic, self harming, suicidal bitchy friend with fried hair and hypocritical tendencies who liked to argue a lot and because she was my friend and I liked her eventhough sometimes i wouldnt understand her way of sympathy and I would complain to my mother but thats because I like to vent because im quick to hate but i didn;t actually hate her i loved her because she was my friend.

and now i have no friend that I can talk to. no friend i can vent to in an all-nighter. no friend I can TMI with about my health issues. No friend that I can show how an expensive fancy plaster that looks invisible works. NO friend that I can complain to about my therapy and my keyworker that takes 7-10 business days (exxageration because she takes more like two days minimum and 5 days maximum to reply) she's kinda bad at her job but thats okay because shes underpaid and busy). no friend that will listent o me talka bout food and how much I want to vomit my food out and how i purged every nandos meal we had together except that one time when i told her i do and so i didn't that one time.

and when gloria died and i self harmed she said i cant control it and its okay and thats the first time someone told me that. that it was okay. not 'be strong' or 'you havemore control that you think you do' but that its okay.

I have no friend who's favourite colour is yellow, who is bisexual, who hates the texture and taste and smell of oranges but like Fanta. who is good at digital art. Who writes fanfiction. who can read my work before i submit. who can do all nighters with me over text on whatsapp. who i can play draw together on roblox with. who i can play dress to impress on roblox with. who can be my friend.

no friend that hates AI. because truly she really hated AI. no friend who i can complain about anxiety too. where we can both be anxious. no friend that I can talk about english too. no friend no friend no more friends.

Yasmin Naseem 24.07.2006 - 21.03.2025

Her favourite Colour was Yellow.

She liked Hugh Jackman and David Tennant.

HATED rice. Loved pasta.

DID NOT LIKE ORANGED (hated oranges). Liked Fanta??? and orange flavoured soda.

Liked Nandos Mac and Cheese

I was definitely taller than her.

Can they please just stop like I am begging you to stop stp talking to me and stop being noisy and stop telling me how miserable how I am and stop telling me I should die and stop reminding me of my father and stop making me feel sad and stop telling me I deserve sleep and stop talking t me and stop using my brain as a vehicle and stop whispering to me but most of all stop talking over MY voice its my brain god damn it

and mann she was questioning my on this website I go to (not tumblr) and stuff and like this is a big problem because I really hope they dont find me on that forum I mean im sure its unlikely but like also why did ie ven tell her about the damn site man. i thought i wasnt that mentally usntable but clearly i am that mentally unstable and also ignore my grammar because I am fucked up not that way I mean im fine .

'I felt that I wish it could kill me'

'So it was a suicide attempt'

One day I'm going to just manually stop my heart in front of this psychiatrist.

He also gave me this whole ass speech about failure and how a friend of his got rejected from every prestige medical school in his country (egypt but dont tell him I know that) because his friend had to redo two years of his degree and how everyone thought his friend was a failure and that now his friend is at Harvard.

HOE WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO MOTIVATE ME? TT

Then he went on about how it isn't the end of the world if I can't catch up (IM NOT EVEN BEHIND OKAY IM JUST A BIG PROCRASTINATOR BECAUSE IM TOO BUSY SELF HARMING AND PURGING LEAVE ME ALONE) and that failure is a part of life and thne he asked me if I know of anyone who hasn''t failed and I was like uh theres probably someone out there and he was like I disagree and I was like cooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool ig. and he WENT ON ANOTHER FUCKING TANGENT. Man I was so close to zoning out. I didn't even need a speech I NEED NEW MEDICATIONS brother whatt is this.

Life cannot be real rn. And then he went on a tangent about how no doctor or medical personnel would be an advocate for suicide (side-eye) and then he said the whole thing again about how they are all here for me and that I can ask for stuff and that they will do what they can to support me...

Bear in mind my replies take around 15 seconds and are limited to one or two words at a time and also I did naught look at him once. Is the inability to speak or look at you not enough to signify that I am physically and emotionally unable to ask people for help? TT I can't even ask my damn friends for a favour man you expect me to ask a busy professional for things? Delusional... DELUSIONAL.