For Entertainment Everyone Dies
Would you quit a high stakes game of Canasta in Kobernausser to go chew the fat with a boffin in Berlin? No, you wouldn't and neither would Secluded Bronte. However, SECLUDED BRONTE did agree to turn up the heat in Hamburg with an exclusive appearance at the Papiripar Festival.
Not only did they deliver a devastating performance that has become the stuff of legend (soon to be myth) they also changed the ATOMIC STRUCTURE of Hamburg. But how did they do this?
Well, semi-professional music critics have debated this for some time in secret social media chat rooms, yet they have arrived at nothing but florid conjecture that is BORING to read. Professional and amateur physicists have formulated formulas, equated equations, presented papers, but all of it is TRASH.
So, let's look at the material evidence. Three men arrived at Hamburg International Airport at 13.30 on October 3rd 2019. They had travelled to Hamburg from London via Paris. With them they brought two pianos, an exploded violin, an electronic computing device especially configured for the generation of sound waves, a very special electronic guitar, a dented timpani, a shattered glass harmonica, an enormous state-of-the-art sound system, five copies of a long out-of-print cassette album, three monogrammed toothbrushes, tailored clothes, and their magnificent voices.
They were disguised as rural gentlemen. They wore Harris tweeds. Customs officers and border police genuflected and saluted, thrilled to simply be near such distinguished men. Outside the airport a man in the uniform of an ambulance driver approached them in the rain. “The weather is very fine for this time of year”. It was code. The man was Secluded Bronte's assistant, Clive. He lead them to a large black 4x4 with opaque bullet proof windows. It was disguised as a private ambulance. Clive switched on the siren and they sped gracefully towards the city of Hamburg, three pantechnicons containing their equipment in steady pursuit.
As the private ambulance reached its destination Clive switched off the siren, and entered an underground car park. The three pantechnicons continued along Jungfernsteig heading towards Colonnaden. After a few minutes had passed and Clive was certain the car park was secure the three men emerged from the back of the 4x4 and made their way to an elevator. Clive drove off to rendezvous with the pantechnicons at 74 Admiralitätstraße and Secluded Bronte entered the lobby of a magnificent hotel.
Secluded Bronte occupied their usual luxurious suites on the top storey of that epitome of elegance the Fairmont Hotel Vier Jahreszeiten. They drank a few cocktails, caught up with Frank the in-house hairdresser for a trim and of course they enjoyed the welcome amenity of apples and macaroons that the Fairmont Hotel Vier Jahreszeiten provides to all its guests. Then they began to make a plan, a plan that would blow the minds of Hamburg punks and change the atomic structure of that fine City FOREVER!
Meanwhile at 74 Admiralitätstraße Clive and the Westwerk technicians were busy constructing what most people now regard as perhaps the greatest audio-visual spectacle to ever take place in Hamburg. In a few hours a palpable sense of excitement would cloak the air as thousands queued to witness Secluded Bronte's debut performance in Germany.
Now you too can get a sense of that incredible evening but only seven inches of it. But each inch is worth twelve of anybody else's. Psychedelic-No Wave-Go Go-OuLiPo-disco- lipogrammatic-fantasy rhythm and poetry via Gilbert Bécaud & Big Jim Sullivan. Percussive bashment that would make Varèse blush, Pierre Schaeffer weep and Xenakis call the police. Minimalist and brutalist language game hardcore garage punk that laughs in the face of English language. On your bike, Alfred Jarry. GET OUT OF TOWN. Secluded Bronte don't go looking for trouble.... trouble comes looking for them.
Bleitz Rapunzel, NYC June 2020.
