Seb Lester

I watch one cat video for more than 5 seconds. The algorithm decides I’m obsessed with cats and buries me in cat videos. Now I’m obsessed with cats. What kind of voodoo mind control bullshit is this?

I, a quiet, chubby, balding, middle-aged man, just told the man behind the counter at Spud-U-Like in Brighton, while pointing at a jacket potato, that I was “ravishing” rather than “ravenous”. And now I must leave the country.

I followed someone famous, who I have had a huge crush on since I was a kid, and she actually followed me back. Now I’m too shy to post anything, so I need to retire from calligraphy immediately, and retrain as a bus driver.

So it turns out that “Listen, Numbnuts” is not a good way to start an email to a client.

I can’t go viral with calligraphy these days. I might buy myself an unhinged looking puppy, and start filming myself chasing it around the house.

"We are committed to your privacy" is one of the most pernicious lies of the twenty first century.