Seb Lester

Horrendous six hour train journey today on a packed carriage. The drunk woman to my left spent the whole trip picking her feet. The fella to my right spent the whole trip scratching his balls. I thought he was pleasuring himself at one point, he kept making weird noises, but on closer inspection I think he just had a skin condition. Anyway, that was fucking great.

I watch one cat video for more than 5 seconds. The algorithm decides I’m obsessed with cats and buries me in cat videos. Now I’m obsessed with cats. What kind of voodoo mind control bullshit is this?

I, a quiet, chubby, balding, middle-aged man, just told the man behind the counter at Spud-U-Like in Brighton, while pointing at a jacket potato, that I was “ravishing” rather than “ravenous”. And now I must leave the country.

I followed someone famous, who I have had a huge crush on since I was a kid, and she actually followed me back. Now I’m too shy to post anything, so I need to retire from calligraphy immediately, and retrain as a bus driver.

So it turns out that “Listen, Numbnuts” is not a good way to start an email to a client.