i dont want friendships i dont want to be anyone at allllll

#extradirty
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@seawanter
i dont want friendships i dont want to be anyone at allllll

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self-isolating from other adults my age like an immature overgrown child. how insufferable can someone get
likee i'm surrounded by great and accepting people yet i just constantly feel alienated and ostracized. it's my own problem. i can't bear to insert myself into any social situation, even when the other party wants me there. the rift is suffocating and also completely self-made
the way i've never felt true and genuine connection to another human being π€£π€£
does anyone know what this wall of plexiglass is about hahha. its been here like forever between me and everyone else does anyone know whats up with that hahaha

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funny how i want to π² all the time but then the moment i get a worm in my brain about how i somehow have a life-threatening illness i suddenly dont want to anymore π§π§
how to get over health paranoia fast
im so sick of this im so sick of this
they should invent a body that feels normal to be inside of
no but im so tired of how self-deprecation is always more accepted than self-advocacy. if i say i can't drive because im autistic i get questioned on how exactly that works and given a million suggestions on how to do it anyway and i look like im trying to be special so it's easier to just say im a loser. yeah i don't drive because im kind of a loser lmao. oh well. and people say lmao back and we move on. at worst they say "oh im sure you'll figure it out haha." but no interrogation!! being a loser is more respectable than being disabled. being a loser is something that doesn't make other people feel uncomfortable about their own biases. so no, no im not disabled. i don't struggle to keep friends and do the laundry and make quick trivial decisions and clean my room and brush my teeth because im autistic. it's because im a loser. it's my fault. it is what it is. at least im funny now. do you think im funny? please think im funny

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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i need to get out of this town
jobs for people who cant do or handle anything
Does anyone else have mild psychotic and mood symptoms but not enough to feel valid?
I get paranoid and have unusual perceptual experiences, but not hallucinations. I withdraw from time to time but I'm still sociable. I get restless and sometimes make risky decisions but I always rein myself in. I might sleep for 13 hours and hardly manage the bare minimum for months but I'm still kind of okay. I talk to myself almost all day to keep myself company but only in whispers when no one is listening. I get weird thoughts and think in strange loops and paradoxes for hours straight but I am always aware that it's all nonsense.
Therapists tell me how self-aware I am. Friends consider me the voice of reason. I'm playing a role that doesn't fit my internal reality. And I wish I could just do something crazy to show people I'm not normal.
Of course I won't. I don't mean doing anything dangerous or harmful. For example, I have been open a few times about my bizarre thoughts with my friends. But I don't want people to stop trusting me, or impose their will on me because they think I can't make decisions for myself. So I end up managing on my own, internalising it all, with no one to compare myself to in order to know how normal my experiences even are.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch β’ No registration required β’ HD streaming