Seasick Sailor

Det er som om alt startet i går. Det er som om det aldri har vært noe annet. Vi er et eventyr. Vi er historien om hvordan man kan ta elleve ødelagte skapninger, bygge dem opp og gjøre dem sterkere enn noe annet. Vi er historien om de som kom seg opp, som ga faen i samfunnets begrensninger og forhåpninger. Vi har bevist at det går an å være en enhet, selv når man er så forskjellige. Vi har bevist at det gjør ingen ting om du er høy eller lav, om du er rask eller treg, om du vil danse til langt på natt eller være alene med potetgullposen. Vi har bevist at det går an å kombinere flinkhet og freidighet. At det ikke er teit å være interessert i noe - det er nettopp det som gjør oss interessante. Ingen kan gjøre meg så engasjert, så lettet, så bra som dere kan. Vi kan hate hverandre, vi kan kjempe mot hverandre, vi kan dytte hverandre så innmari langt ned i søla. Men vi drar hverandre opp, vi dytter hverandre videre, vi gjør hverandre sterkere.

Det er helt utrolig hva vi er nå, versus hva vi var. For halvannet år siden var jeg i tårer hver gang jeg drakk. Så langt nede, så desperat etter å være en jeg ikke var. Nå kan jeg le, nå kan jeg danse, nå kan jeg gå min vei og vite hva jeg kommer tilbake til. Dere har vist meg at det er greit å være meg - det er bra å være meg. Dere har lært meg å le, lært meg å gå på snørra og ikke bry meg om hvem som så det. Dere har fått meg til å føle meg smart, sterk og som om jeg betyr noe, og kan gjennomføre noe. Dere har lært meg å leve, leve litt mer hver dag. Litt fortere, litt roligere, litt modigere. Det handler ikke om de som ser på, de kule eller de teite eller de flotte. Det handler om å være lykkelig, å trives med seg selv og kunne stå for det man er. 

For jeg er ingen sekserelev. Jeg er ikke norgesmester i noe som helst. Jeg klarer ikke pushups, engang. Men det jeg har, er drivkraft. Og jeg er flink, skal jeg si deg. Jeg er ikke flink på den måten de dødssmarte er flinke - tro meg jeg må lese ting hundreoghelvette ganger for å forstå det. Mitt beste fag er matte, men jeg stanser fortsatt totalt opp selv på enkel hoderegning. Jeg er dog flink til å jobbe. Jeg er flink til å bli sint. På verden, på bøkene, på fagene. Men jeg leste en gang at den beste hevnen er å bli bedre. Og jeg skal alltid bli bedre.

Samfunnet jeg lever i sentrerer så latterlig mye rundt det å være best. Man skal lykkes i alt. Dessuten skal man til toppuniversiteter, og ikke faen at man skal studere noe man er overkvalifisert til. Man skal jo selvfølgelig strekke seg høyere enn man klarer å nå. Det er normen. Selvfølgelig faller jeg under den.

Fot jeg vil. Jeg vil inn på NTNU. Ikke bare det, jeg vil inn på den vanskeligste linjen. Men jeg vil ikke det bare fordi det nesten er uoppnåelig. Jeg vil det fordi jeg har et mål om hva jeg skal gjøre med livet mitt, og jeg skal nå det målet koste hva det koste vil.

The sweat will drip. Your toes will be not pink but bright red with blisters, hurting like hell, but they won’t slow you down. You’ll get mad at your feet, why the hell should they act up now of all times? But you’ll keep walking. Stepping harder. Your shoulders and hips will forever complain about the straps wighing them down, you throat will crave the water heavying your load. But you won’t stop, not even for breaks. You’ll keep walking. Slowly, but steadily. Until one day you’ll reach the top. You’ll be there, you’ll be stronger than anyone. Blisters are all gone, your shoulders and hips are tired but still going strong. The cuts and bruises, the fences in your path, they’re beneath you now. So far beneath, you can hardly see them.  The difference between those who make it and those who don’t, isn’t how they fight. Not how high goals they set. Those who make it never, ever lose sight of what they want. They won’t let any roadblock ever stop them. They don’t chase thunder. They simply walk towards their goal. Slowly. Steadily. And nothing can ever stop them. 

Do you know, though? Why we succeed while you don’t? Do you know the reason that your rim-filled life feels empty, the reason that you got there? The reason that we are just now jumping on to our wings, while you’ve got nothing but your ridiculous teen america-dreams?

We sacrifice. We work till we bleed and then we work more. We stay home while the others are out. We cry, we scream, we hate the world, but yet we love it like nobody else can. Because we know, that our work will take us out there.

Never a weekend without guilty conscience. Never a monday morning without a thousand topics to catch up on. Never friday until four o’clock when our work is done. Never a spring without sleepless nights. Never can we truly relax before our report cards are delivered. Never can we look at each other without a hint of jealousy of each others’ grades. Never can we just skip a class, because we’re terrified of what we’d miss.

But nobody supports each other like we do. Nobody loves the art of science as we do. Nobody knows to appreciate a quiet friday night like we do.

As much as i stress about school, i love mondays. I love all-day cram-sessions with complicated mathematics shoulder-deep. I love physics class, when we cooperate with each other and the teacher and we completely change our views on the world. I love how we are so much more fascinated by the laws of nature than the laws of human civilzation. That everytime we see a physical phenomena our minds attack the science behind and triggers us to find out how, what, why.

But most of all, i love how we’ll always have an open path ahead of us. We will have no roadblocks like you always will. We can run in whatever direction we want now. And no matter where we go, we can always run back home and find this home of ours. Together, around the fireplace, late at night, with wine, chocolate and the strongest group spirit ever seen by mankind.

What we have in common, it is everywhere, always. We need nothing superficial to be who we are, we just need each other and our calculators.

You might be bright light, but we are the water. We’re cold as ice, soft as snow, warm as the tropical oceans. And we might disappear for a season or two, but we always come back.

 Here we go. One, two, three and jump. We're stepping into the next chapter, whether we'd like to or not. On a roller coaster with no exit, we race up and down, around and around.

The last year has been amazing in so many ways. I pulled off my mask somewhere along the way, and i've enjoyed the freedom. Choices i made have made me into a girl so much stronger than i've ever been before. I feel like i'm standing on my own two legs wth much more balance than before. The ups and downs and revelations of the past year has made me realize a lot of things, and i feel like i've grown more reflected, ready to take off into the world all on my own. I no longer need the things i used to be bound by. The people that i used to be bound by. 

I resolve to become more confident this year. I'll stop looking at my friends and placing myself miles underneath them. I'll stop looking at my reflection with dissapointment or uncertainity. I can be just as good as anyone. I hope that with confidence i'll gain a stronger capability of empathy - be able to see other's needs and help them get through it. Life isn't easy, not for anyone. 

 I'm scared of being left out. I guess i'm scared of letting myself being left out - pulling away and ruining what i've got. However, what's been achieved over the last year or so is not gonna go away easily. 

I cannot wait till my escape. Till i can run as fast as i'd like without ever needing to stop. I will escapeyour judging eyes. I will be queen of the woods, i'll be the ruler of my own little world and i'll never let you in. I'll never let you pin me anywhere. I'll be the fox, i'll be the wind, i'll be the cold winter weather. I'll be free. 

These months will be a war.

I'm not gonna win it. But no matter what, summer will come. And then we're all gone. 

Poof. 

It's been a long time since she stopped caring. Maybe she saw gold in her hands and felt rich. Maybe she looked too much up to the others to see them as equals; she felt so weak so she drowned in her self-pity. 

The only thing that is for sure, is the fact that she is gone. And she's not coming back. Come fall and she'll be nothing but a whisper in the winds as the leaves fall down. A vague memory: a burst of laughter, late night tears. She goes with the wind.

We all know the rules. When life gets good and the future seems bright, we're destined to be hit by a shovel in the face. Simple laws of nature, there shall always be balance. 

What pisses me off, though, is the thought that som people are apparently, for some reason, excluded from this balance-thing. Like, they succed at every fucking thing they do and they don't even work for it. Their success is so damn visible all the time and it kills me a little to look up at them. However, i know that for many people, i am that person. Perhaps it is not easy for the common stranger to see my weaknesses.Perhaps the toodamnedsuccessful people have other dark sides, perhaps they're successful without knowing where to take their success, perhaps they're succesful but have no one to feel successful with. 

I think everyone needs to keep a balance. Sometimes i envy those with lower expectations, because i can't even imagine what not feeling like i'm carrying a thousand kilos of pressure on my shoulders feels like, it must be so friggin liberating. But i guess those with low expectations never aim high enough to get a real thrill off of succeeding, either. 

it's funny how, all of a sudden it's all here. All our lives we run, leaning forward to see what's behind the next turn. And suddenly we're there. We're at the crossroads. We race through them. 

I've been waiting for my future. Waiting for this time in the unreachable future where i'd get to use this person i've become and make something out of my life. I didn't realize that the future would actually show up at my door one day. 

The last week, everything has changed. In the matter of less than a week, i've been faced with decisions and challenges like i've seen before. I've made choices, i've progressed and i've grown. I'm not a little girl anymore. I'm a young woman with the future in her hands. With a fucking driver's license in her hands! 

It's wierd how it all just works out. I feel successful. Independent. A little scared. But tempted. In two weeks, i'll make a decision that will decide the next couple of years of my life. This decision will lay ground for the rest of my life. Who will i be? Where will i go? I thought i had made up my mind about the future, but then new opportunities came along. 

The scary part is, it might not turn out as i think it will. Special circumstances appear faster than these opportunities. I know that when summer comes, these choices that i'm about to make will be put on a test. Perhaps i'll fail. But i think i'll make it. 

I feel strong. Oddly so. i live off of the mountaintops. I'm vulnerable as i used to, but these people around me help me get up so much faster than before. 

Life slaps you in the face sometimes. But it's time now, to feel it. To let ourselves be strong enough to fly. In seven months, we're on our own. 

It’s wrong, how people tell each other to stop pretending and be themselves. I find it wierd how we think we know each other better than we know ourselves. How do you know i was not being myself back then? I see different versions of people all the time, as they talk to different people and experience different situations. However well i know someone, i don’t know who they really are, deep inside. Nobody knows, not at this age. So we should stop pretending.

What i’m saying is, do not tell me that i wasn’t myself before. That it’s great that i dare be myself now. How do you know that this isn’t an act? That the person i was before i even came to this town, however weak i was, wasn’t as true as i am now?

The clock keeps ticking but it seems some aspects of our social development is standing still.

Every year i forget, and every year i am reminded of who i am and where i belong. Because i know that nothing in the world makes me feel more free, than standing strong in the mountains. Feeling the wind biting my cheeks, piercing my eyes. Seeing the snow, no matter what time if year, whisking around between the withered rocks, desperately fighting against the stubborn, green pieces of moss. I love the feeling i get at the startof a brand new day, barely seeing my path going up, up, up miles ahead. It never stops fascinating me how these two sticks we call legs can carry us nearly anywhere we’d like to go. Up there, you’ll find no bullshit. Your cellphone will stay at the bottom of your bag. Even if you wanted them, no signals would find you there. I feel like i enter the mountains with shoulders chin-high, with my head full of stress and everyday nonsense. When i leave, they’re down low. And that is not just because of my beloved backpack. The worries, they have no use up there. During hours upon hours of trekking through the strong nature, they will just work themselves away. That way, when you finally reach the peak, you’ll be able to truly see the nature and appreciate it. Or maybe you don’t appreciate it a all, just snap a photo and head back down because your fingertips are slowly turning into popsicles, and you feel like it had been days, if not years, since you last saw a slice of bread. Nonetheless, up there, you stand free. You can escape everything, brightening your heart and soul whilst doing so.