ScriptedBOMB

Dear young one, it’s okay to be afraid

To be uncertain about the future’s fate

And regret the decisions of yesterday

Oh dear it’s quite alright

To not desire to put up a fight

And let go with screams of exasperation on those cold, lonely nights

To tear down all guards and walls

Allow the tensed shoulders to fall

And to want to shut the world out when it calls

Staying sated however possible in hopes of coping with it all

Episodes of breaking down are needed

Because solely leaning on faith

Sometimes leaves feelings of depletion

When instant gratification isn’t in season

Or those times when forcing out an “I’m fine”

Isn’t within reason

Enduring pain with no supporting anchor

Silent conflicts and internal battles with anger

Making your once-known conscience an impenetrable stranger

Who’s dangling between hopelessness and danger

Never take your own heart for granted while striving for strength and peace

On those days where peace seems out of reach

Yell out all frustrations followed by retreat

Allow yourself to feel and release

Then recollect yourself and continue on your feet

Take these words as remedies from the wise

Origins of experience and real lives

And allow yourself the random tears even when there are underlying reasons why

Feeling battered

Like life doesn’t matter

Because the bags under my eyes

And weight of my silent cries are only getting fatter

Trying to shoot for the sky

But discouraged beyond reasons why

Then the anxiety kicks in

And I begin to cry and say “fuck it, why even try?”

The darkness closes in

And I’m losing wind in my lungs because now all the other issues begin to arise

But I have to push through and keep fighting with what energy I have left because I gotta make it

But some things don’t make sense

Like why do I have to be the one to face this shit

And why can’t someone save me and take these hits

Why am I always the conqueror while still feeling conquered

Because in the absence of peace of mind, only distaste and frustration grows fonder

Then I’m left alone with troubled thoughts and time just only makes them continue to wander

About the past and present and now the episode just drags on longer

I started out worried about one thing

Then everything blew in, in an instance, and made all the doubt stronger

But then I remember I’m a soldier and the trials only fuel my hunger

Then I remember I’m a beast and I fight back like I’m a Mongrel

Because I’ve come this far alone and I’ll still keep reaching

Because hope is my anchor and my reason for breathing

And faith holds me in its embrace and gives me something to believe in

Gotta tell myself to keep going

Because in the end I’ll remain tough

I’ll remember I’m good enough

And I’ll stop worrying about today

Constant excuses of unnatural epitome

Make it easy to excuse

The natural wallowing pity of me

The ones where I lack creativity

And don’t feel as smart as I once did...to me

Those stalking thoughts and taunting doubts whose origin I can’t quite figure out

And even when I’ve put forth the known knowledge

“I don’t know, I could be wrong though”

Still sometimes slips from my mouth

With constant prayers to the most high because “He’ll figure it out”

All sayings with no work

Empty hope and faith with no girth

Has me speculating my worth

Because nothing is really wrong

So why does my heart still hurt?

Because I’ve prayed and asked for signs

And leaned on the Word

I’ve exhausted resources and even contemplated going to church

But alas something’s missing

Hoping someday someone will listen

And offer solace like,

“Well now that you mention...”

Do this like this exactly and receive all you’ve been wishin

And when that doesn’t happen, I begin reminiscing

About those cold, hungry nights that have long become a memory

But nobody understands how currently

Those visions still haunt me

How they’ve instilled an unrealistic agenda of

“If you don’t grind, you can’t eat”

So anytime I’m not working tirelessly

I fear that my plate may deplete

Not plates of greens, yams, and some kind of meat

But of paid bills and achieved accolades being devoured by defeat

And weak premonitions of past episodes repeating with my scripted “Why me?”

So I pray again...and again before I fall too deep

All sayings with no work

Empty hope and faith with no girth

Has me speculating my worth

Because nothing is really wrong

So why does my heart still hurt?

I have a few ideas as to why

A few truths and some lies

See in reality, I see what I want that’s beyond the sky

And it’s so out of reach because my self-doubt hinders the flight

“But I’m God’s child and He’ll fix it all”

Hope answers: He might

But how can I expect Him to just pick up the pieces if I, myself am not willing to try

He has encompassed me in strength with testimonies from this life

So why am I still indulging in the maybes and expecting strife?

When in the realm of complacency one must possess patience and peace

Which has never been a strong trait for me

But only then can you see

That it’s my own troubled thoughts that selfishly stalk and postpone my destiny

All sayings with no work

Empty hope and faith with no girth

Has me speculating my worth

Because nothing is really wrong