scorpfam

and not to mention, those days when i cry, why does everyone always remind me "don't cry so hard its bad for the baby" instead of asking me why i am crying. it makes me feel worse. it makes me want to cry harder. why does everyone worry so much about my baby but nobody every worries about me for my sake. i feel like an incubator for this thing that everyone else wants. again, like my body is not my own.

suddenly everyone has something to say about what i eat everyday, or my caffeine intake, or if im taking my vitamins. but before i was pregnant nobody ever cared to call. nobody cared if i was in a depression so deep i was hurting myself.

and really, it still feels likes nobody cares about me, just the life im growing inside me. and it makes it harder. and most of the time i wish i was alone. and most of the time i don't want anyone to call and id rather never speak to most of these people ever again, because they don't care about me. it feels like control, as if i don't have to capacity to carry my son. as if i can't give him what he needs without their reminders. as if i am making the wrong choices and eating the wrong things because "well that's not how i did it"

im sick of hearing peoples opinions on my body and my child and my pregnancy. its none of your business and you never cared about me until i had something you wanted a part of.

what an interesting way to be born. born for the purpose of loving someone, rather than being born with the purpose of being loved.

i think it was a curse. it still follows me around. i still feel the obligation to love her and make sure she's taken care of. but she is not old, and she is within her wits, if not a little nutty. she can take care of herself still.

and then i remember what it felt like to be that little girl, holding up her young mom, making sure her she was okay to get to work that evening. i didn't understand that no matter how broken that momma felt on the inside, it was her job to hold me up and make sure i was okay to get to school in the morning.

your children will not always love you. sometimes your children will hate you and wish death upon you and even themselves. they say "i didn't ask to be born!" and its true, they didn't.

here goes, the journey of a lifetime, right? by the end of the year ill be holding my baby boy, and im so excited. but i can't help but cry. how did i end up here, with nothing but myself and my partner and my pregnant belly.

i miss my mom and i wonder how she ever walked away. maybe i don't understand because i haven't lived through it yet. but there's so many parents out there that don't walk away, don't give up, don't do what she did. but what really can i do? its not my job to chase her, and im too tired now, anyway.

i crave her guidance, her love, her attention. but why am i not worthy?

sometimes i think about how i feel is how she once felt with me. her first baby, the beginning of her journey as a mother. and then i think about what happened to make her give up on me. and then i think about if that could ever happen to me and my first born.

this love i feel, what she once felt, it wasn't enough to give me what i needed. is it something wrong with me? was it something wrong with her? is it something we could control?

i wish i could ask her. but i can't.

well, i could, but i don't think id get the answer im looking for. i would get blamed, like always. and maybe it is my fault. maybe i am a bad listener and disobedient and disrespectful. maybe i am choosing a man over her. maybe i am choosing myself over her. but is that really so bad?

is that really worth leaving your child without a mother?

not to mention the anxiety.

i have always been a little witchy. my partner and i are both scorpios, born 1 year and 3 days apart. it is something we have bonded over in the three years we've been together. so when we got the due date for our son, oh boy were we shocked to hear we'd have another november baby! he is even due on my birthday!

call me delusional, but i do see how my partner and i display scorpio traits in our everyday lives, so i am a bit nervous for our new son. we are both quite dark and brooding, similar to popular notions about scorpios. we can be perfectionists, we like to have control. we are generally quiet and like having a good amount of personal time.

these things being said, i am nervous about how we will parent our new baby in the years to come. i am nervous about how our son will adopt our traits, and i am nervous about the family dynamic we will create with our already very strong personalities.

i mean, i am really nervous about everything at this point in my pregnancy though, and im sure it will all be more than okay. my partner and i have 95% good days and im sure once we find a groove with our new family, 95% of our life will be good too. its just that right now, there is so much unknown.

im a new mom, well not even really a mom yet i guess. im 21, and im expecting my first child this november.

i always heard about mommy blogs or those family vloggers and, while i don't have the desire to exploit my child, i do have the desire to find people like me. and i desire to let some of these new feelings out that i've found in my pregnancy.

so hopefully, in time i can find my crowd. im not here to offer advice, so much as seeking it. but perhaps i can start a community here of young parents who may be able to support each other.