bitchin'

The idea of crawling back into bed with only your thoughts to keep you company is too much to handle so instead you leave the now empty glass on the counter and find your way to your couch. Sitting down with a thump you do the only thing worth doing at this point. You grab one of the throw pillows and let out a scream, channeling all your frustration and annoyance into the night air. It doesn’t fix the problem but you can feel your shoulders relax ever so slightly. It’s not as comfortable as your bed but with fresh water in your system, some type of release, and your body’s physical need for sleep you find yourself drifting off to sleep. But not before you can go over the memory of a week ago one final time. 

————————————————–

It wasn’t that you hated parties, it was just that you hated this party. A house filled with people you really didn’t know, the music a touch too loud, and this absolute douchebag who would not leave you alone. This was the perfect storm that you were desperately trying to get out of. You thought you’d lost this guy in the crowd but glancing over your shoulder you can see him approaching you, again. It’s in that moment you make a decision, downing your drink and pushing through the sea of people back to the kitchen where you last saw Steve. 

When you finally get to him you’re thankful he's alone, not sure you’d be able to live with yourself if anyone else heard what was about to come out of your mouth.Tapping on his shoulder he barely has time to turn around before the words come tumbling out of your mouth. 

“Kiss me!” You’ve never seen Steve Harrington look so shocked at the idea of kissing someone but his eyes bulge and he starts choking on his drink. 

All he can do is shake his head, trying to figure out if he heard you correctly or if he’s gone completely insane. He grabs your shoulders, locking his gaze with yours, “Are you drunk?” it’s all he can manage to get out before you’re swatting his hands off your shoulders.

“No I’m not -” “You haven't been gone that long, how much could you have drank?

“Steve I’m not -” 

“I’m flattered but -” “Steve, would you shut the hell up! This guy,” you glance over your shoulder nodding to the incoming asshole who wouldn’t leave you alone, “hasn’t left me alone all night, he won’t take no for an answer. I even told him I was seeing someone and that wasn’t enough. You’re the only person I know at this party. Now would you shut up, help me out, and just kiss me already!”

It comes out jumbled and fast but Steve gets the gist. He takes another look over your shoulder, making sure the guy following you is in view before he makes his next move. With one hand he cups your cheek, gently nudging your face up and toward his. It’s in this exact moment as your eyes lock that you’ve realized the mistake you’re about to make but it’s too little too late, and besides what’s one kiss between friends?

It happens in an instant, lips colliding, eyes fluttering shut. Steve puts his other hand on your hip pulling you ever so closer to his body. You can’t help it when your hands find themselves on his chest, or when one arm snakes behind his head allowing you to play with the strands of his hair. You wish you didn’t like how pillowy soft his lips felt on yours, or how the smell of his cologne and hair spray overwhelmed your senses. It was a scent that was entirely Steve, and it made your knees weak. 

As quickly as it began the kiss ended, both of you pulling apart as Steve looked past you glaring at the man who had stopped fully in his tracks the moment he saw you and Steve attached by the face. He has a look on his face like he’s finally realized you aren't interested in him and he turns quickly to leave the kitchen. You miss all of this as you can’t pull your gaze away from Steve, your eyes widening as you realize you don’t hate what’s just occurred. It’s Steve’s small chuckle that finally pulls you back to the moment.

“Well that certainly wasn’t something I expected to happen toni-”

“I have to go,” it’s all you can manage to get out before you’re running out of the house and hauling ass back to your apartment.

Once you’re in the safety of your own home you keep running through the events of the night, trying to sort through your feelings. So what if you and Steve kissed, it didn’t mean anything and you were best friends that didn’t have to change. But your lips felt like they were on fire, and you were forced to confront the fact that maybe your feelings for Steve went beyond friendship. It was all too much, he was your Steve and you were sure that he didn’t feel that way about you but you couldn’t lose him, so you made the only decision you could. Avoid Steve at all costs until your stupid heart could get itself in check.  ————————————————–

When you wake up the next day you’re not sure if the banging in your head is from a week of crappy sleeps, or the fact that now the memories of the party were infiltrating your dreams. It takes you a moment to realize it’s neither, and the banging is coming from the front door of your apartment. Stumbling over to your door you manage to let out a gruff, “yeah yeah I’m coming” before looking through the peephole to see who has managed to interrupt your sleep. 

The lump that was in your throat last night returns in full force as you recognize the mop of hair on the other side of your door. You let out a breath before turning to try and make your way back to your couch, hoping you can avoid the fact that Steve is right outside. You make it 2 steps before you hear a muffled, “I can hear you shuffling around in there. Please stop avoiding me, I just want to talk.” Unsure if your decision is fueled by your heart aching to talk to your best friend again, or the fact that Steve sounds like he’s slept as little as you over the last week but something leads you to open your door, and usher him into the apartment. 

An uncomfortable silence fills the living room as Steve finds his usual spot on your couch. It all feels so normal and so foreign all at once and you feel like you’re going to combust. You excuse yourself to get changed and brush your teeth but it’s really just an excuse to give you a few minutes to gather your thoughts. When you’ve had a few minutes to yourself you take a deep breath and emerge from your room, ready to see how badly you’ve damaged your friendship.

As soon as you leave your room you’re hit with the scent of fresh coffee and the sight of Steve sitting on your couch holding a steaming mug with both hands, eyes intently staring at your carpet. Without even looking up Steve clears his throat, and gestures to the other steaming mug on the coffee table. “Figured we wouldn’t get anywhere without some coffee. You’re usually pretty miserable in the morning without it.” That’s all it takes for the overwhelming feelings you've been trying to push down for a week to come flooding back. Of course Steve knows you’re useless without caffeine and would go out of his way to fumble around your kitchen to make some for you. It’s one of the endless reasons you hold a special place for him in your heart. He’s kind and considerate, and remembers your little quirks. All you can manage is a weak “thanks” before sitting down, looking everywhere but his direction.

“Are you okay? You look like shit, have you been sleeping?”

Silence.

“Robin said you’ve barely been speaking to her too.”

Silence. 

“I’m just… I’m just really confused because you asked me to kiss you and now you’re avoiding me and everyone else.”

Silence. 

“Can you at least tell me what I did wrong?”

That almost gets you, because all you want to do is wrap him in a hug and tell him it’s not him it’s you. You asked him to kiss you and sent yourself spiraling and now he’s all you can think about. And sure what’s a kiss between friends but you’re certain now these feelings go beyond friendship. Of course you can’t muster up the courage to say any of it so you just sit there, silent. 

“Fine. Just,” he lets out a long sigh and that finally pulls your eyes up towards him. You can see his jaw is tense, like he wants to yell but doesn’t want to hurt you, “just forget I even came over today.” As quick as he showed up at your apartment he’s heading toward the door, and it finally breaks you. 

“Steve!” you all but sob his name, finally letting out all of the overwhelming frustration you’ve been holding on to. You rush after him, grabbing his arm before he can open your door. “I’m sorry. It was shitty to ice you out like that. Robin too, she didn’t deserve it. You didn’t deserve it. I just, I’ve been going through a lot since we ya know? Kissed?” 

You’re not sure why it comes out as a question, it definitely happened and if you think about it too hard you can still feel his lips lingering on yours. He doesn’t say anything, just nods letting you know he’s waiting for you to continue. 

“Look, this is really fucking hard for me to say. When I asked you to kiss me I didn’t think anything of it. Really just thought it was one buddy helping another buddy out. But then… then you kissed me and it was like ‘WOW’ and it scared me. You’re my best friend and I shouldn't be thinking ‘WOW’ after kissing you, I probably shouldn’t be kissing you at all,” and just like that the floodgates break and you can’t stop yourself from getting everything out. “So I ran out, and I shut down because all I can think about now is you. And like not in a friendly way. Like ALL I can think about is kissing you again but if I do then what happens to our friendship? When did I start having these feelings for you?  Do you even want to kiss me again? I feel like I’m going insane!” 

You have to stop yourself, taking a big breath before the tears can start. Maybe you didn’t handle any of this well but you’ll be damned if you let Steve see you cry right now, that won’t fix anything. There’s a moment where you’re about to say more but before you can Steve lets out the smallest chuckle. All you can do is look at him in confusion because for all the times you ran through this scenario you definitely did not anticipate Steve laughing at you. It’s like he can read your thoughts on your face because before you can ask him not to laugh he’s pulling you into a hug.

“I’m not laughing at you, I promise. I’m just happy.”

“You’re happy that I’m going insane?”

“No! No. You’re not going insane. I’m just happy you want to kiss me again. At least I think you do, as cute as you are when you ramble it’s kind of hard to keep up with how fast you talk.” Stunned silence is all you can manage. “Look, it was easy to kiss you at that party. I’ve wanted to do that for years and I didn’t think you felt the same way so figured I would take my one shot. Then you ran off and I thought maybe I should have told you no. But for what it’s worth I don’t regret it.”

“Oh. Oh! Oh my god Steve! I’m an idiot,” and just like the weight that’s been holding you down for a week simply vanishes. “Are you saying this whole time you’ve been into me?”

“Yup.”

“And we could have been making out like this whole time?” “Yup.”

“Huh. Hey Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“Kiss me?”